I'm NOT a Foodie

More.

2009-04-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

Quickly I found myself falling, fighting, failing deep into the ravines of life. But there was no ground to catch my shattered bones. I continued to drift until all light was given away to the call of night, the surrounding engulfing black.

It consumed me. Removing myself from that, extracting what good was left out of that is just the tip of what's happening.

The rest will follow.

A Little More Food (or Swamp Thing Soup)

2008-08-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time...I had a food blog. Sadly it only lasted for a whole of two posts. It wasn't particularly bad. I just didn't find the time for it. I started, got a new job, moved to canada, came back, went BACK to canada, came back. Add to this, I rarely use recipes. I just throw things together and wing it, hoping for the better. I make a ridiculous amount of leftovers and love breakfast. Really now, how many recipes for poached eggs before it starts to seem a bit ridiculous. To start it again would seem slightly wasteful of internet space so instead I'll give you all just a little more food on here. My dramatic and whiney personal blog. Where I address the internet like it's some sort of personal audience with only a twinge of sarcasm.

I give you.

Swamp Thing Soup.

An accident in the making this soup is losely based on a soup I found on 101 Cookbooks. I happened upon her recipe for Edamame Soup (from A to Z Vegetables) which sounded so easy and simple, that I set out instantly to make it's velvety goodness. Yet upon further investigation in my freezer I found my one bag of edamame (which had been in my freezer since I first went to Canada in 2005) had been divided into a smaller bag. How can I make a beautiful velvet green soup without a full bag of edamame! It would be thin and listless, like one of those box soups trader joe's makes yet never sells.

I dug further. Settling upon another mysterious half bag of peas (probably vintage 2006) and decided that their green nature was close enough of a family relation to work. I also never have owned creme fraiche so...sour cream it is!

Thus, Swamp thing soup was born, titled so for it's similar color to the murky bogs not all that far from my house. Thanks to my freezer for holding onto mysterious frozen vegetables. It needed a little crunch so I made some floaters from mysterious pine nuts I found on row 3, in the back, behind carrot cake ice cream. As well as some nice cheesy toast boats to suck up all that extra goodness.

Swamp Thing Soup,

Serves Four.

The Bogs

1/2 bag Frozen Edamame
1/2 bag Frozen Peas
3 small red Potatoes
1/2 sweet farm onion
1 liter containor of vegetable stock
1 teeny clove garlic
1/3 cup sour cream (or plain rich yogurt)

The Floaters

1/4 cup Pinenuts, Chopped Coarsely
1/2 slivered (like really fine) Red onion
1 tsp jarred harissa (I used the Sonoma williams one, which is very lemony and oily because of a large dose of lemon confit in it)

The Rafts

Good Bread, sliced 1/2 inch thick cut into 1 1/2 inch strips (however long you want)
Butter
Parmasan or Asiago (Store bought shredded works good)

Start by heating a tbsp olive oil in a four quart sauce pan over medium heat. Dice your potato and onion in a hearty chop. Add the potato to the pan, stirring frequently until it starts to grap to the pan then add the onion, mince the garlic and stir into the little pan concotion you got going so far. Lower to medium low heat and saute until the onion starts to soften (translucent).

At this point add the peas, edamame, and stock. Bring to a boil, then simmer over medium heat until the Edamame is tender. It's okay if the peas keep cooking they're really not the main texture here and help add a little smoothness later. This will take around 12-16 minutes (sometimes longer I've found upward of twenty so keep an eye on it).

In the meantime (get to work again!) start by slivering off little slivers of red onion. In a seperate little pan ( I used my baby cast iron skillet) Heat a teaspoon olive oil over medium high heat until it starts to shimmer, then add the harissa and onions and stir until the onions are nicely coated and start to take on a red color. Continue to lightly fry these babies until they start to show signs of browning, yet still aren't sticking to a pan (well-seasoned pans work great for this) Add the pinenuts and drop the heat to medium low, until they just start to toast (you'll smell it) Remove from heat and set on a cold burner.

Butter the bread with a good light coat and top with a bit of cheese, toast in a toaster oven (or broiler) until the cheese melts and starts to brown.

After the edamame is tender remove the soup from the heat and blend appropriately either with a food processor (cool a little first), blender (with a removable top insert covered by a towel instead), or hand blender (my choice!) until starting to look smooth. Add the Sour Cream (or Yogurt) and continue to blend until it reaches your desired texture.

Serve topped with Floaters and Boats on the side.

Enjoy and Tell me how it was.

So many Filters.

2008-08-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

More often than not my posts here don't end up published. I start a thousand things, but honestly lack the guts to follow through. Everytime I get near pressing that little orange button I frantically slam the backspace---quickly followed by a slap on the forehead for doing something just quite that dumb.

I worry incessantly. Every minute a new worry pops into my head, but recently something new has found it's way in. Thoughts. Brief yet bright, quick little firey bursts. My proverbial wheels are dusting off some of their gunk and going for a testdrive. Did I mention brief? It's not that I'm crazy or anything but the past few years have been quite the battle as to what I really think. A new, or not so new thought came up again, and keeps coming up.

What if I just said it. All filters off, words spewed violently across the page. What would come up? What sort of good could be produced from this sort of vehement verbal vomit?

Did I mention brief?

Don't Get Comfortable

2008-08-06T19:50:00.000-07:00

There is this one Shawn McDonald song that has haunted me recently. Whenever I'm alone, walking along somewhere enjoying perfectly good silence...it pops into my head. To say it's a catchy little ditty is an understated understatement. "I need you" it cries out in my head, breaking through my focused concentration. "I cannot do it all on my own" it responds. Over and over it starts, breaking my whole thought process away into pieces---invading my brain. It's a song with such presence and this undeniable rhythm permeating through every thought I try to conjure. It wraps me up in it's momentum and drags me along for the long haul.

But of all the songs to have a presence in your head I could go for far worse. Over and over it tells me that I can't do it on my own, take my hand God, I need you, I cry for you...I can't do it alone, it gently reminds me. It's this promise, between a man and god. A silent shout. I see this song as a conversation. One that could be held without any sound. Honesty in it's simple expressions. No hesitations.

Then like a whisper it fades out on the winds, as I'm brought back into life by stunning reality.

It's been a while people. The few who read, but mostly me. I haven't had an outlet for anything...a dangerous situation to put me in, one might say. Against all that I am when people have asked me recently: "how are you?" my brain would shut down. Some robot somewhere was responding for me, mechanical, dry...lacking in all forms of warmth. I would start to come through and this automated program would rush me away on a conveyor belt knocking the wind (and words) right out of me. Afterward I would twist around my words, writhing with the pain that I have become such a creature, created in the aftermaths of morning after morning of continuous monotony.

I want my brain back! To become this is crazy for me, I am the real answer guy---and all you're getting is this half-assed response I give a hundred times a day with no variance. Someone has switched my brain over to filter, and only a trickle's coming out now.

"I'm Fine." my robot answers...'but I'm not! I actually feel like crap AND I struggle to get up every morning knowing the joy has been sucked away like my energy as I deal with you people, YET AGAIN!' I am screaming inside, taking all the force in my body to make some sort of sound but nothing is coming out. I just won't tell you that, because that would be wrong to say, or inappropriate. My voice is becoming smaller and smaller as the conveyor belt whisks me away into it's dark endless motion, shrinking into the horizon line.

Why must we always be appropriate. Screw appropriate. Some people make me screach inside. They bring up something that I haven't felt in quite some time...a rising force, a vigorous passion knowing there is something better coming. Something somewhere inside me is waking up after a ridiculously long nap...and it's getting right to work. It's showing me things I've forgotten. It's reminded me of things I've ignored. Take my hand it tells me. You can't hide from me, it offers to my ear with gentle kindness. This thing, this voice...it knows me in ways no one else does. I recognize it, it's voice soft and familiar like a good old friend. I think this voice might be god again.
My lips are dry, parched as if they haven't said anything in quite some time. Just like speaking for the first time, it's very hard to say.

I need you, God. I force out with all the gravity of the world.

Hello World. (on how I became an uncle)

2008-08-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Elowen Ann B.

Seven Pounds, Eleven Ounces, wow.

You're here! Finally. It's been a long nine months I'd say. You look like your mom and your grandpa...and you have the family eyes.

I guess this means life moves on even when you're stalling. It's safe to say that's what your uncle has been doing. I hope when I get to know you, I'll be a better person. I'm not a fan of this life I've been living. The just enough mentality. I'm going to change for you. A more together person. One who shows you God's uncountable love with everything I do. I promise to work on all those messes I keep getting in. It'll be a while, and it'll be hard...but just like learning to take that first difficult breath---it's something that needs done.

Just a note.

2008-06-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know how to change your username?

and...what the hell is Ouran High School Host Club, and why is it that there is a big straveganza leading up to the announcement of the cast.

I don't quite get it.

Kinda like I want to buy P3 FES but am not sure if it is an altogether different game than Persona 3.

So out of the loop.

Honesty is a policy...

2008-06-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

You've been warned. I don't want however reads this to think that I am this deeply depressed person, but I need an outlet again. Something. So here's a piece of it all.

A lot has happened. I have changed, my life has changed. I have seen things that I will never forget, even if I try. I have seen things that I will not forget, because I can't let myself. You know, the other day I was just fighting it out with my mom. Shouting and fighting because I didn't know what to do. These past few months have been harder on me than I could ever imagine. I have gone from extreme to extreme, and no one would be expected to remain healthy under that strain.

I was shouting, and fighting...because I did not know what to do, or if I could even do anything. Because it feels like every time I come home, or every time I leave I am on my own. It feels like I am left behind and forgotten and that is something damn hard to deal with. I try to stay in contact with people, but it seems like it is all too little too late. I have had so many restarts, do overs, second chances, and I have burned so many people in my destructive path. I should be in therapy, some sort of therapy somewhere with someone, but more importantly I should be going back to god on this. Instead I'm here. I'm writing it out just to make it that much more tangible, so it exists somewhere outside of my inner turmoil. Which there is a lot of, I'll have you know. I have serious issues, that when I bring up stop people in their tracks. People worry that I will continue to break beyond repair. People worry about me. Now that is just unexpected. I have things that I am just going to have to deal with head on, I have people. These people want to see me stay changed. They don't want me to regress into a hole. I have a savior, and he is watching out for me.

I took this picture in Vancouver. It's a simple self explanatory picture, and probably one of my favorites. Fire, is one thing that forces change. It burns and manipulates whatever it touches until it is otherwise unrecognizable. Instant change. You can't hide what it does either. A lot of times you have to start over after a fire. It does what so many of us want to do, but can't find the will---all without a second thought. Sometimes though things just have to change, we don't want change, we don't think we can handle change but life moves on with or without us. Life burns us, saves us, helps us. So here I am, changing, being changed and I would like to share my changed life just a little more.

This is an odd feeling.

2007-10-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

I think it would be less devastated if they were just gone, in some wierd hard drive crash. Nope.

No, I deleted them all, by mistake---I thought that had them all on my computer, and I didn't check. I didn't check...I don't know why. It's not something I can get over easily because I had some great photos from some really fun memories.

Like the amazing race, those were such good photos. The rain was pouring all that day so we were all soaked, but I was with sam and laura and my whole group was an oddball group. We ran around robson with our bare feet in the rain stopping at every stop. Those were such wonderful shots....gone. I took some amazing shots of these people wandering Vancouver and if I tried to replicate them it just wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be me knowing...I know these people, I like these people. Hilary is right, great photos comes from friendships.

How do you get over something like that. I was so excited to share those memories, they were really special to me and now I won't get to, now I'm fighting just to bring my camera out---with everyone looking at me like I'm a voyeouristic jerk or the papparazi.

Gone.

Goodbye September 30th, 2007 - October 08, 2007

The Last Hurrah, or Goodbye Ohio Seeya Later.

2007-09-24T02:22:00.000-07:00

Well. I agree with one thing I keep hearing from people. It seems like forever when you're waiting, but when you get there it's almost too soon. First I hung up my deli apron and cap back in august, then my familiar green apron was put to rest last wednesday...and now. I have about an hour until one of the longest waited flights of my life.

At this point people have stopped asking what I'm doing going to Canada for four months followed by two in an unspecified country. No, by this point they just ask if I'm scared. To which I have concocted a rather resounding answer of: 'yeah, sure as hell I'm scared---but I'm a thousand times more excited as to what god will do next'.

It's almost surreal at this point. I slept last sometime on saturday at this point and the wafting scent of my neighbors arbys breakfast crossiant is both nauseating and delectable all in one fell swoop. I haven't flown in such a long time, and you can tell by how ridiculous I packed. The only comfort is the fact that My mom made my recipe for Banana Bread (affectionately called Dirty Chunky Monkey Loaf), which will meet its swift fate from my coat pocket...the minute I finish this. Every few minutes, there is a very unenthusiastic voice reminding me that we are now firmly in the orange. Oh, how I love national security and their paranoia of toothpaste.

To aid all the sorts of disenergized, the collective group behind is speaking korean. I only know this because she asked her daughter if she was still hungry...the fact I know this makes me glow a little at my very limited korean vocabulary. Now the person to my right started speaking a very loud russian. Such Internationals in Akron, Ohio. Ah, I best be off...this entry is really going nowhere, except for toothpaste which gets its own tag.

I'm coming Vancouver.

Goodbye, Akron...I'll see you another day, another time.

One Step.

2007-09-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

Now what?

Is the most hated question to ever grace my ears. Upon hearing it I am instantly sent into a tizzy of squirms and fits. Now most of these are internal but if you were to look closely, you may just see me twitch.

Now what, though?"

For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. 13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. 14 I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. 15 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. 16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

Ezekial 34: 11-16

"If there is one thing that I know is true", is that he will love me as he always does whatever happens, but is it wrong for that not to be enough right now, right at this moment? I am more stressed than I remember being stressed in a long time.

The truth is I need prayer. Not just normal prayer, atomic super duper prayer. Tomorrow, I have to present to my church a proposition. I have to go in front, where I hate to go, and tell them I am called to missions whatever the heck that means, and pull out all bells and whistles so they know I am not one of the crazy ones.

But really...I am one of the crazy ones!

I have been know to stare at people freakishly, analyzing them--- imagining their stories as they go about life. I have a ridiculous passion for food, and an ambitious approach to trying everything I can in my life, learning through food the traditions and history of a culture. I hate people---yet I love people more than anything and would have my heart broken on a daily basis when I lived in Vancouver. I am mean! It's true, abusive almost, explosively...but only out of frustration at god.

Frustration at god that I know above all now is the time to go back. Now is the time to approach everything I have been running from or trying to internalize and make it a me and god thing, when really I need to make it more real, more tangible. Frustrated with god about my finances, when he could easily just give me all the money I need.

So what do I need...first, I need prayer.

I need a lot still, a little over a third. Around Two thousand dollars, but that is budgeting no money for spending money (something I would like but not a big problem). I also need supporters who can commit to helping me pay my school loan interest payments monthly. I need supporters who can commit to praying for me. I need support to help pay for health care and insurance. I need supporters who can pray for my mental stability as being stretched like this is driving me crazy...yet driving me somewhere at least. I need a backpack still for outreach. I need the support of my friends, yes you non-christian crazies whom I love so much.

I need people to have my back so I won't fall so hard when I do fall.

Most of all I need to do this.

To the Moon and Back

2007-08-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

19, originally uploaded by penguinscanfly.

September 24, 2007

Sending a Prayer: Gordy Guiboche

2007-08-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

This man is Gordy.

Gordy is a crazy guy who roots for the Calgary Flames, he comes from a troubled background (if you want the details ask him, he can give you a real honest story) but has moved on with god in his heart to create what those on the drive affectionately call chili wagon.

He has a heart for the drive, formally known as Commercial Drive in Vancouver B.C., so every Tuesday...and I mean every Tuesday, Gordy makes a gianganormous pot of chili and serves it to everyone he can. He serves and he commutes all out of the goodness of his heart. Recently though the Chili Wagon has come under fire. Critically some are saying it attracts the wrong kind of crowd---the homeless and damage of Vancouver. But these are the people gordy wants to reach, the people he used to be and wants to help move from the purgatory of homelessness to a real life, a real job, a real relationship with Christ.

But now they are after him. Attacking his integrity, his heart, his family. There's even a smear campaign all over the drive boycotting chili wagon.

Pray for this man, his heart, his ministry, and for hope that he can keep going.

12Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. 13But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known ⁾the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;

2 Timothy 3:12-16 (NASB)

September First.

2007-07-31T10:22:00.000-07:00

One Month.

That is my deadline as set by those above me to raise all the money for this thing.

Let's do it! FIGHT- O!

Off I go.

2007-07-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

I think that I might possibly have a bit of a problem with wasting time on the internet. Kind of like it's this mindless escape after working twelvish hours a good portion of the days in the week. I've had to ask myself: "Where did those last five hours go?". That's the point where I usually have to go to some sort of meeting center where pins are involved.

I don't like pins. I stab myself with them every freaking time. So instead I'm going the other route. I'm road tripping it. More importantly, I'm going to try and reconnect into my family.

As in not my sister, mom, dad or grandma.

Hello, Virginia. The state I mean, oh the state of the state we put ourselves in.

Maybe I'll see you all when I get back. I've got a few ideas brewing...oh, and I didn't take that picture---someone on my dts did. I added a few punches though.

Freaky Fourth of July

2007-07-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah So. Found some old photos. More on this later.

Dak Bulgogi (Fire Chicken!)

2007-06-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

Notes, for archiving purposes Only

Bulgogi Marinade for about 3 or 4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs.

1 Tbsp Soy Sauce
1 Tbsp Sugar
1 Tbsp Rice Wine
1 Tbsp Light Sesame Oil
1/2 cup Naturally Sweetened Gingerale (white grape or pear) or a strong firey german ginger ale
1/2 water
2 tsp Korean Red Pepper Paste
1 tsp red pepper flakes
1 inch piece ginger grated
1 large clove garlic grated

- Grate the Garlic and Ginger into your mixing bowl
- add the paste and flakes and stir the paste until well combined
- add the liquids a little at a time, whisking roughly to mix well.
- let sit for an hour or so.

- Heat a large skillet
- Dump the whole thing in, on high until the liquid foams on top, stir and cook for about four more minutes after that. Pour half of the liquid off, and continue to simmer on low until the liquid reduces a bit, about another six - eight minutes. Remove the chicken and continue to reduce the sauce. when down to a nice consistency, add the meat back and and toss to coat.
- Heat Through

Serve on Rice. (or in bibimbap!)

I thought you all left!

2007-06-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

The funny thing about when I don't update my blog...it seems like at that point everyone starts to finally read it. Now I know blogging shouldn't be about getting people to read what you have to say, it's kind of like a diary, but more public...or at least mine tends to be that way. That said it is really nice when you get viewers from all over!At the moment though I am playing around with my computer trying to solve some issues for my camera, in addition to starting a second job working nights at the mustard seed.

Hello Korea! Prince George, BC! Kettering! Kitchener! Germany! and last but not least Brooklyn...who do I know in Brooklyn. Well, welcome. Do not be frightened by my grammar, or especially the weight this entry carries with all it's darn commas.

I'm coming back soon.

Nine Betweens.

2007-05-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

1. I have been summoned for jury duty. Number four.

2. I am in the market for a second non-starbucksy job. One interview, and a few harrassing calls later, we'll see this through yet.

3. I have been sick for the past two weeks. Dizzy, nausea, and a bit of headaches...an no it's not due to the fact that I am on minimal caffeine. By the way I'm on minimal caffeine which means...er...whenever I can manage none. So far so good, I worked a double with barely a milligram of caffeine in me. I think I was snappy.

4. My voice sounds like a smoker who throws flames on the side after he's done recording stock screaming clips for the house of horrors.

5. I passed both of my classes! I didn't make the dean's list...Darnnabdigity.

6. Akward turtle moment! @___@

7. I had my first french style macaron. It was hard and I felt like it stuck to the back of my throat and I am questioning how they managed to sell them for 35.00 dollars a pound. (mine was free, although I want my money back) It was from West point Market, a gourmet market usually known for great pastries. I'll reserve my judgements until I get to go to pistachio on thursday in columbus.

8. I have a vacation this weekend!

9. My job is only going to schedule me nights all through jury duty.

The Finals.

2007-05-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ah.

Yes.

Finals.

As many times as I will distract myself with thousands and thousands of recipes in my house that I want to make. I will commit.

Homework.

Three days.

...then I will tackle you my frondly friend named frodo the fennel.

Oh, anyone with fennel recipes? I'm clueless.

Someday I'll get it.

2007-04-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have that feeling that you're fly is down? Egg in your face? Toilet paper on your foot...even when absolutely nothing was wrong.

It's quite irritating.

It also accurately describes my ability to interact socially. Imagine this feeling every time you talk. You start off thinking you know what you know, but in the end you are just so unsure of why you said what you said in the first place that you don't even want to finish. All the while people are too nice to tell you that there is an enormous snot slug hanging from your left nostril. Ah, that and they forgot to pay attention to a word you were saying.

Maybe I'm just a little slow, but someday somewhere somehow, I will learn to shut my trap.

I'm ready, I am! --- Part Two

2007-04-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Recently I spent sometime in the project, and honestly I couldn't think of anything better than a camera and a few eclectic residents to get you thinking. Like this one girl, I didn't get her name but as soon as my and my friend pulled our camera's out she hollered out the window. She wanted us to take her picture!

It was rare.

Usually if I pull out a camera I get a select few reactions.

A - No pictures! No pictures! *smothers*
B - PEDOPHILIA! *insert screaming mother*
C - *insert a long string of profanity and a swinging bat...true story*

Yet here's this girl, just looking her best. Fixing her hair, strutting her stuff. No real bad intentions, she just wanted someone to capture her big smile. What does it take to get people to be that open, though?

Thinking about it, this openness is really lacking in our world. You think you're open until you realize you aren't. Hell, I thought I was open to a couple things. Honestly though...somethings in life you think you were always ready for; some things you have to prepare yourself for; and some things...no amount of preparation would ever help.

I am talking solely about the latter at this point, and last friday I had my first real date...and quite possibly my last ever. This is all strictly off the record by the way.

The set up: not only classic, it was downright surreal. It all started with a simple seat arrangement. I had been asked to move tables to give room to someone with a larger project and a need for space. Moving to the only available space sat me next to her. Now she was essentially an interest to start with, conveniantly placed in my class we would flirt occasionally, but it was all just harmless, witless banter.

Cue the catalyst: unnamed to protect his identity, this large jolly fellow has a solid grip on his surroundings.

Oh Noes!"

an exaggeration has been made with this dialogue for dramatic effect. In reality the catalyst is a real mumbler.

"What's wrong, man!" I respond.

"I have two tickets to see this magnificently wonderful show known as RENT (all rights reserved), but alas I cannot attend. What dismay has this world brought unto me?"

"Good Golly Grief man! Pull yourself together!"

"But...way off off broadway calls!"

"I have a solution!"

Enter the girl.

"I'll take them!" she says suavely, swooping in quick successive seconds to snatch the singing show's stubs.

*GASP*ed. Our gentlemanly ways were shocked by her forwardness.

"But I must attend in this kind fellow's honor!"

"Well...she might have plans" suggests the jolly man catalyst.

"I do...Do ya wanna?" She offers.

"I wanna".

There may have been some exaggerations with the sequencing, but it ended accurately. Honestly I had no idea what I was doing, this is something that has been constant with me in my life. I do not date. Why do I not date? I am asked that same exact question, every single day of my life. At least once, and I am really not exaggerating. I haven't quite figured out a solid answer to it, despite it being a constant topic.

So one little date won't hurt right?

Just one?

I told myself something along these lines over and over, but really the shear akwardness of the whole thing still makes my ears ring. I guess I was just infatuated with the idea of going on a date, and less so with my actual date. Not to downplay her beauty, she is quite the looker if I do say so myself.

It started off bad. Her "mom was in town and she didn't know if she could make it, she promised her mom she would meet her for lunch" which turned into "dinner", so there goes all of that small talk. Then she doesn't think she can make it, so I have to drive from work to pick up my ticket for a musical. We wouldn't want these tickets to go to waste right? So by the time I get home I reek of coffee and sweat and want to just...give up. But despite my tardiness I still try to make it. So now I look bad, because she decides to call and tell me she's gonna wait by the door for me. Forget the fact I am twenty minutes away and haven't even thought of parking.

Eight minutes left, I leave my ticket at my car in a parking area that's way off the path. Dashing back we make in the door to say the least. Our seat isn't on the first set so maybe it's up?

Not the second flight?

What about the last one...no really there's an elevator up to there?

Yeah, we went to see Rent. A musical that really is not to my tastes. It was showy and loud and we had quite possibly the worst seats in the house. Seats that I drove an extra hour and ran clear out of breath for. We hit intermission and there is no small talk, nothing. We have the lasting chemistry of water and oil. That's right, I ran to the bathroom because I felt like I had food poisoning and she ran to smoke as many cigarettes as humanly possible before they dragged her back in.

I didn't even know what to do afterwards, dinner, food, drinks? I'm not suave, I'm debonair, and most certainly am having intestinal malfunctions. So we just kind of part ways...

Yeah.

Somethings you really aren't ready for, dating for me is one of them. It's not just because I had a bad date. It's because when I do date, I want something to be there. I want to be able to understand the whole biblical side of it all. I want to not pursue something for entertainment purposes, but really put myself out there. Last thing I want to do is play with their heart. Right now, that's all me dating would be for me. God made women to have beautiful delicate hearts, I feel I should respect that for now.

I'm out.

2007-04-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

Food blogdom is over for now, I'm going to still occasionally post recipes on my normal blog from now on, but for now a food blog is not the thing to focus on.

check me out at

theoverworkedbarista.blogspot.com

"I'm ready...I am!" - Part One

2007-04-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah.

It's true.

I'm coming to Vancouver in September. I will be attending the Drive DTS. I will have a majority of my former classmates as staff members. On top of it all I have authority issues.

Hot Dang, what the hell am I doing? Holy freaking crap!

*INSERT LOUD EXPLETIVE HERE*

Holy hell, I'm doing it this time.

Must. Resist. Urge.

...To think too far ahead.

*twitches*

Found in the Footnotes

2007-04-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever really looked at the footnotes, voluntarily? In high school we dreaded footnotes our senior year because our evil term paper required it. The eleven years prior to that point, we were only asked to type up a simple (yet in reality entirely inaccurate) bibliography. So why now? Why must we bludge through the painstaking process of numbers and real sourcing!? Screw accuracy, score quotes, all sources are mine! Riot I tell you, RIOT!

Oh, how the times have changed.

Now...I kind of like reading the footnotes. They are like a long running commentary to help me really understand what I am reading, plus they usually lead me to something equally interesting to read. So I encourage you to read your footnotes! Mark it on your daily list, along with brushing your teeth, plotting world denomination, and fighting for a better pay! It will fit right in I tell you. So I present to you a first for this blog, a series---"Found in the Footnotes"

Taken From Sex God By Rob Bell "God Wears Lipstick" note 13.

"Recently I saw my friend Josh, who teaches fifth and sixth graders. He was preparing the lesson for that day and had his supplies with him: a large glass bowl, a can of beef, fatty tissue, sauerkraut, a jar of olives, some anchovies, and a hundred-dollar bill. I know---I was curious too. So I did exactly what you would have done. I asked him what his lesson was about. He replied, "I put all the ingredients in a bowl, including the money, and then I mix it together. then when it doesn't taste good, I pretend I'm going to throw it all away. At this point the kids go crazy, telling me not to. I ask them why I shouldn't, and they say, 'Because it's valuable.' And then I counter with, 'But it smells and it's disgusting.' At which point they rush to the front volunteering to reach into the bowl and pull out the hundred-dollar bill. Actually, I may have to start using a twenty for this lesson, because the last time I used a hundred, they trampled each other to get to the front. I then read to them from Genesis chapter one about how every single human being bears the image of God and how no matter what else is mixed in there, a person still has limitless worth in God's eyes."

Some days, I need little stories like this as a real reminder of what I should be doing in my daily interactions. Customer after Customer comes in daily, and all I seem to be able to do is judge them more and more each day. I had to actually walk into the back room the other day because I wanted to slap myself for what my mind was doing. I kept judging this frighteningly shrill and creaky woman who comes in every day and is just impossible. She is an older woman of an indiscernible age with small wisps of peroxide blond hair poking out in random places. Normally she is disheveled in an almost non functional way causing me to wonder what she actually does with the rest of her day, and her voice cracks and creaks like an old door scraping a rough floor. Regularly in at an early hour, every day she orders a coffee in a cup the size up, today I got it ready for her as she was walking to the counter. Smaller mistakes have been made, but the reaction wasn't a good signal to that. She accuses me of trying to sell her old coffee, so she changes her order: "I want two medium coffees in large cups". We pour her two fresh cups and she throws her hands up: "I won't drink stale coffee!" and she runs out the door. This isn't even the first time this happens, but she still comes in day after day. I've heard the people at work say they hate her, and that she's a ridiculous old bat. Truth is, I've thought the exact same things over and over. I want to hate her, but that's just too easy. There's got to be something behind it.

I want to understand. I really want to know what causes someone to get so frighteningly disconnected from reality, and to be able to care for her the best a barista/christian can and just maybe help her have a better day than the day before. I actually want to make a customer happy! Maybe I'm just trying to understand this concept: god loves equally, the diseased, the downtrodden, the depressed, the happy...or maybe I have just been there myself.

Disheveled, disconnected, and discontent with my surroundings. Those people we distance ourself from really aren't that far off when you think about it.

देवास्ताशन or Devestation.

2007-04-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

Confession # 4 - I haven't watched a Hockey game in well over a year.

P.s. My Blog went hindi all on it's own and I had to retype my post!

Flash Flood Freeze Frame

2007-04-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hey!

I have a food blog!

I just forgot about it for a few months.

So, since I forgot about it let's remodel a bit here and there, and honestly I think I need a mission statement.

*contintues to plot the revolution*

Truth to the Fiction

2007-04-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

Respectful Designer

I stole this quiz from Audrey's blog, Then I saw it on Ryan's and Hilary's blogs...I've just been working loads of doubles at work. It is quite an interesting quiz, with multiple levels of differences and very in depth analysis of your personal observations. I don't agree with all of it but some of it I do. I mean, I have some sense of style right? RIGHT?

*punches the silent crowd vigorously*

here that is...

According to it, I am an observer. Something that if there was any standard truth in my life that was it. I watch everything around me. I am fascinated by the way things are put into their own force of gravity. Sometimes though, I feel like I'm just not there. That faded into the distance feeling. The other cool thing about this little quiz was that it tells you something you can do to change the way you work. Simple suggestions, such as I am an observer who needs to experience a little more and watch just a wee bit less.

For some odd reason this specific thing reminded me of the title character in a movie titled "Train Man"（でんしゃおとこ）. The main character being this ridiculously shy nerd who really just can't seem to function on the same level as everyone else. Sometimes I feel like that. It might just be a cultural thing, but it seems like he doesn't really have any incentive to change in his life. He's not in the best situation, but the daily routine to him seems comforting. It gets him by moving from day to day, but still just a going through the motions. At some point in the future maybe things will change, or push come to shove he could stay the same the rest of his life and not really feel much chagrin over the whole ordeal. From the opening scent though the first thing they make apparent is that this man is a watcher, he knows and understands reactions better than anyone else.

He notices the couples, who pass by on the train stop and the stories of romance he watches in privacy. All the while, he wants to stay the watcher as long as he can. It's easy, you can see it from the outside and walk away from it ready to continue your day. He even listens to an ipod, as he people watches, something I very much can relate with.

Then something changes him.

For the first time in his life, something takes over. Something drives him to become part of this player's act. I like you, train man. He tries to save a girl from being groped by a drunkard. He shuns common sense for an oh-so brief moment and dives in as a man! Only quickly to be pushed away. But he still did it, he acted as a player in his own theatrical production. Now See something else the quiz does get right is that as much as we crave personal interactions and relationships, real solid relationships...we're very much afraid of taking any sort of step. I say we refering to both me and train man as we understand each other foo'. We truly lack confidence and usually this is only because at somepoint in our life we have been so broken down that we always feel this need to try and prove ourselves. A fruitless effort really.

After the interaction in the movie though this crazy dude called Train man finds himself reaching out into empty space---the internet. He posts on a message board of his grand tales, he met the girl of his dreams and all he had to tell was his computer. Shorty after though he gets one response, and then two and then a hundred! The movie smartly focuses on the lives of six really distinct charcters though. Each of them has someone in their life that reminds them of train man. He turns instead from a random along man into a brother, a lover, a friend and son. They want him to succeed with all their life and guide him along his mistrials and adventures with the woman on the train.

Now when I first looked at the results I disagreed with the comment that I have trust in others. Then I remember some of the people I have encountered in my life, as well as the instances where I may have indulged into more than what they really wanted to know. Truth is I have a lot to say and once I start I go on and on and on...and on. I trust people a lot and this has been my downfall. I really do listen to what people say and respect their opinions, I want their opinions---to grow and learn. Everyone should also have the chance to have someone listen to their story. I remember the people on hastings who would light up just to be looked at. Who really just wanted someone to shut up and listen to their story.

Train man ends the movie with the idea that: "Yeah, I can move on now"; Feeling like you've watched someone grow into who they were meant to be. I kinda like that.

You can find out how I really did here, and see if you agree =D

Lies about style, all lies I'm stylish some days...

A Little Bit

2007-03-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough."

- Psalm 30:9-12 (Message)

Someone recently was asking about songs to make for a dance mix, and immediately I thought of a whirl of what I would put on it. I thought of the rises and falls I follow faithfully, that's when I am completely alone. I mean COMPLETELY by my lonesome.

Then I dance.

I move to the grooves of life in it's moment, I waltz for London and it's little symphony. I swing with the many mad men who know love better than the rest, and sway with a few lovely sirens, all the while raising that one fist in complete defiance to whatever be the most worth defying. Because happy or sad, sometimes you just have to move. I know I am all alone with really only god to see how stupid I look---and really how stupid do I look. When you feel a little stupid though it helps bring you back down, so you can feel a little bit better. Afterwards I feel almost invincible...at least for a little bit.

At least until I look around, I come back to the world facing me.

The wedding was this past weekend, and it was weird and wonderful as any wedding should be. I made too many scones, and the ones I made didn't taste terrible. I really look up to my sister at least for one thing, she likes to keep moving even up to the last minute! We got there and were thrown our own additional responsibilities. Then she took her bride (she did marry a man, just ask the pastor though he seemed to forget and I quote"Do you take her to be your lovelyhusband?") and ran. You think during weddings you're involved in that you happen to be the only one who is going nuts. Oh those silly lies we believe. I think there should be a full documentation of the bride during her wedding planning phase just so she can go back and see how crazy she drove everyone. It would be a magnificent tenth anniversary present, we could hold a private screening!

So for lack of a better phrasing, it's OVER! My sister knows I love her despite it all, and I gladly welcome whathisface...*ahem* Michael into the family. The rest of us will all step away and leave it up to Beaver, first though I have to see if I can think of 100 more jokes about the fact she is now a Beaver quite literally. Now though I have to get back to homework. The facts, the hard truth, the unsurmountable odds towering over me with its looming shadow leaving me with plenty room to hide.

Truth is...I am a twenty one year man who is loosing a life long fight with PAPERWORK! Come on now, how ridiculous can you really get? It's not like it has any special moves or that final left throw, it's just paper. I say I tried even though I really didn't, because my mind was thinking about how much I had to do and even more about how much I didn't.

I'm in a bit of a pickle here. I know that I need to just start, somewhere. I just want to stop feeling so darn stretched first.

EDIT: Just so yall know, I love this picture. It's of a scarf show from about four months ago that was held in a small gallery. It was such a crap shot and after I figured out color correction...it POPPED. I love it.

Once In a While

2007-03-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes everything you thought could go wrong...didn't.

Goodnight peeps.

Closing In

2007-03-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

"...Sometimes the person who needs help the most is the last person to ask for it."
- Shannon Leone Fowler

Confession #2 - Most of the time I really do need help, but am far beyond stubborn to ask for it. Chalk it up to my stubborn nature or maybe even just my lack of the ability to process everything as fast as I'd like...I just plain am in need. A lot of the times I should be able to do something but I'm too caught up in my little web of lies to admit I was wrong. I even attempt to put on this faux, everything together act; despite my acting background, I'm rather bad at this.

Truth be told, with the exception of the occasional moment of clarity---my life is a complete mess. I really need to work on that.

A Spoonful Weighs a Ton

2007-02-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

"Those who make the worst use of their time are
the first to complain of its brevity"

- Le Bruyere, Characters

So.

Three months haven't passed, and I'm blogging again. God forbid this ever come a regular thing, that would be like...a real blog!

I know!

I KNOW!

Honestly I really do have a purpose.

A couple of oddly interesting things happened this past week. Firstly, I seemed to actually communicate with a certain individual *ahem* mark *ahemcoughhack* whom I just never seem to be able to communicate with these days. Letters would fly between the wires, questions asked, but rarely answered. But without asking, I received a wonderous response, making me look forward to fall a little bit more and really cut back financially wherever I can. All it took was a little give on my part. Well a lot of reflection, and a give in attempting to control the uncontrollable. It seems to go without saying I'm as stubborn as three day old baguettes.

Really though, I think I'm ready to go back to that place there. Unlike the thrusting reentry into the USA, I have ideas. I have hope for something else than what is turning into the mundane and ritual. We'll see. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket or something quirky and not really insiteful like that, right?

I'm oddly enjoying writing a little bit more, and I've found it and other things to be oddly calming. So I decided to change my blog a bit. Template number four for this budding blossom of a bloggity nook, and finally a picture (albeit the absolute worst I could find) to go along with all nine of the languages you might be able to read my blog in. My writing looks pretty in Korean!

I haven't a clue if it actually makes any sense but sure, play with the buttons in the upper right corner and have a ball.

Working on a few things here personally though. One of which was really being able to ask questions of people without seeing them. Not one who readily flung their lives into a mad phone text flurry the minute they hit the market; I am a hiding texter. I lurked and hovered. Adding to that---the person I was on IM was a completely different person than who I really was in person. The merging of the two created an overliterate long-winded gobble. I was trying hard to ask questions with weight without making it seem like these are little blippy boxes on a screen. Yet recently It's just been different. I realized I can't change the world with the text message; more likely that I can't make someone like me either. It can really be great to hear real news from people though.

Acceptance of this was an attempt to throw away surface conversation, but without it how would I be able to be the chatty barista I've caught myself being recently?

I guess it helps to not be in control all the time, and just let things flow. Now about that whole authority issue...we'll get to that soon!

Random bit. I watch Grey's Anatomy religiously by the way, and am continually impressed with the filming production on that show. That pass in the hall between Denny and Izzy was amazingly shot and really captured the emotion. I was slightly less impressed with this recent arc, although it was nicely cut into chunks to keep drawing me in and almost caring about Meredith. It helps that she finally slapped off her wishy wash attitude and confronted her mother. So dark, so twisty.

I Turn My Camera On

2007-02-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things just have to come down

“What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing;
it also depends on what kind of a person you are”
- C.S. Lewis

Truth be told. I've been thinking...

...and you all know what happens when I THINK.

There are few things in this world that truly get me going. By nature I am as lazy a being as one could expect from a twenty something aimless undergrad; by nature I have no motive. Which is for the longest time I thought was true. Then presented before my eyes were millisecond long blips of hope.

Simply Ideas. In and out with barely a spark of reflection. Almost as if something, somewhere was trying to just tell me something; usually something I know, have always known, and just really needed a nudge in some direction. So one day at a time, I try to fight nature. I thought I couldn't get a job, I got a job. I thought I couldn't get up in the morning to work those five o'clock opens, I haven't missed one yet. For some unknown reason though, when it comes to seeing the light in any given situation---I seem to only see it in everyone else. I don't expect anything from me. Keep with me, I do have a point.

So what do I do when I find something a little maddeningly enjoyable. I think I can't keep up. I make excuse after excuse. And then not surprisingly, I fall behind. It's my vicious cycle of life self destruction, and this unusually selective warpath knows right where to hit me. Despite this, I'm going to give some things I left behind another chance. Heck I even looked things up in the BIBLE!

"But I have raised you up ^[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. "
Exodus 9:16

So yeah. I still have a point.

This past may I bought a camera.

Now I had almost all but given up on art but I felt the need for a creative output. My photos started off crappy, and I didn't really have much faith in them. This camera is my first real camera. I picked it out and I bought. Since then, I tried a little harder. Now they are just a little bit less crappy. Who knows! Maybe in the future I would consider them subpar (as I am my own worse critic). The point being when I turn my camera on, something in me is slowly changing for a positive direction. The photos that go along with every entry were always taken by me. Crappy or not, I couldn't bare to use someone else's work alongside my dribble, changing their intention---so I had to take action. If I can't use something I get, then something had to be created. I even urge you to take a look. It's been a slow learning process, but it's an awe-inspiring revelation when it something just clicks---quite literally.

Recently though, it seems just a pleasure to learn about anything. I still want to know when I do a good job. I want to know how to take that compliment, but more importantly I want to know when I don't. I want those failures, and missed chances. They are becoming less of a burden and more of a repurposed force. I was directed back to a church that I felt slightly burned on. Big, showy, flashing lights, and overinflated egos preaching to hundreds of hormonal teen christianese shells. Well since I've been gone, the old pastor has moved on. They have a few less lights, and a few less bodies...but they seem to want that connection now. It's like maybe the spirit is coming back to them after they turned off some of those shiny bright lights. Horrid, Blasphemous, insect comparisons aside---I think I can understand them a little now. I even went so far as to join a life group.

Now if only we could do something constructive, despite how fun monopoly and Wii Sports can be in a group setting.

One day at a time, right?

Word of the Moment.

Repurpose (re-pur'pes)tr.v.
re·pur·posed, re·pur·pos·ing, re·pur·pos·es To use or convert for use in another format or product: repurposed the book as a compact disk

That Was the Worst Christmas Ever! - Part II

2007-02-05T18:49:00.000-08:00

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey

I distinctly remember baking and rushing my last batch of christmas cookies, god knows they tasted awful.

Somewhere someone told me that with anything you create, your emotions can determine the outcome; this was the case. Somehow I managed to make them wrong (normally taking ten minutes they took 30 just to set up). Internally I was thinking of just going out on a good note, but in reality I was just trying to stretch my time and stay there---just squeezing in that last ounce of the atmosphere I was about to leave behind. I just wanted to stay.

The ride to the airport was quiet, on my front at least, but everyone else seemed to have something to say. They had their questions, stifled with an unabashedly akward silence. All the while I was just trying to hold back from crying, something I had done quite the fair share of in the few days I had between the announcement I wasn't ready to attend out reach and the flight date home. We said our goodbyes, and like most good Christian people we hugged. Out of All of the hugs in my life, those hugs lasted just a little bit longer than usual; as if to say: ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Don’t give up’, and a thousand other forms of what is the one-two punch of guilt and regret.

I remember when they first told me that I was not going to go. I looked like a patient about to be forced into a psych ward---minus the straight-jacket. Flailing aimlessly, angrily screeching; something in me was dying...and then I crashed. I couldn’t handle them telling me that, and I was digressing into my most basic animal instincts. I was fighting it both inside and out, feeling as if an unbearable poison was forcing its way through my veins, paralyzing all rational thought. Over the next few days I mellowed, or more so I was tranquilized by irrational fear.

I was going home a failure, a then incomplete mess. Standing in front of me was the daunting fact that everything, and I mean everything I had planned for in the next months was going by the wayside. I was returning to Ohio---but I wasn’t supposed to be back yet. I was seeing my family---who weren’t expecting me until March. I was turning twenty and thrust into “Happy Holidays” mode, but I honestly wasn’t happy. I was pushed back into my life, my reality, questioning everything that had happened in the previous months. I was home. The sad part though is really just how hard people tried to make me happy. It was like trying to warm over a slab of marble. Something in me had felt like it died, and I was regressing into the stages of grief; or maybe it was a good grief I just don’t know.

"This is what I'm thinking, this is my point."

When I got home, when I decided I wanted to be a little better than I was last year, I took off like a rocket. This past year had a definite direction to it. Despite being severely depressed for a majority of it I was a force of movement. A week into it I had a job, that same week I had two, and then I just took off. I wanted something and I wanted control over it. There were times this past year where I was ridiculously angry. I tried not once but twice to retry a discipleship training school. People would say they were proud of me, but I knew that it wasn’t my time yet. The first time was in October, I had hoped and prayed for a school, finally finding one that just screamed me. It was in Montreal, and I was enchanted by the idea of attending a working internship of a school. It was my first big rejection in a while, but they where honest---they felt they couldn't help me. So I talked to Mark, which took forever. Only to hear from Hilary in a Newsletter the school I wanted to attend was canceled. I almost applied to another school, they actually called me three times, but I didn't go. Looking at my situation left me a little troubled differencing reality and determination, holding on to an archaic tendency to move in that fixed direction. Something about the fixation to leave a town combined with the impatience of being stuck in a town really throws you.

It’s weird looking back at mistakes made, because initially I would have just dwelled on not being able to correct them---but now? Now I have this innate want to hold onto my mistakes, to actually…learn from them. I know now that I want to learn, I desire to learn. That’s probably the healthiest habit I’ve ever picked up in my life. So as the one year mark came around I was feeling just a little bit of a failure. I was finishing up a semester, and slightly worried of failing. I was at one job for the longest period I’ve ever been in my life, and slightly worried of being fired. Was anything really wrong? No! Nothing big, I just didn’t want to be at this point at this time. I wanted things to work out slightly differently. I was quite literrally worried because I really had nothing to worry about, go figure.

So I procrastinated a little...then a little more...then a lot until today really.

So what has happened since---November?

I went on vacation, a real honest to god vacation with beaches, gelato and everything! It wasn't quite wonderful, but it was something. Especially our last meal---easily the most gourmet meal I ever had (and I picked it). I learned a bit about Gullah. I've watched fifty Korean movies (eight Japaneses, two chinese and one soap opera too). I survived the three month mark at my job, and now the six month mark. This is a landmark of commitment. I stayed home...so far. I catered the deserts for my work Christmas party. I went to North Carolina, and realized Durham has a street that looks like Commercial Drive. I saw my family again, they're all a little older---yet exactly the same. Christmas came, Christmas went, and then I turned twenty-one. Heck I went out and bought a SINGLE beer. It was bitey, with hints of coffee and the color of Guinness. I passed with a B, and signed up for two more classes. I realized I liked photos, and even started a page for them. I watched an entire movie in a theater without talking, and with smuggled cheesecake. I made Sugar cookies from scratch; gingersnaps too. I also chased seagulls.

So here I am. A little over one year later, a little bit older, and not so much the wiser but all the more eager to try a little more. What have I learned...well. God is slow. Painfully slow. In perfect conjuction, I'm obnoxiously impatient.

So he continues to push my patience just a little bit more. Maybe I'll see some of you in September?

That was the worst christmas ever!

2007-01-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

All at Once

2006-11-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

So. This Picture has nothing to do with the post, but I refuse to waste it, now...

I really want to be selfish. It's true, I really want to be mean and spiteful and full of hate, anger; I could go so EMO right now it's not even funny. Unfortunately though, in this situation It just wouldn't be right.

So this post is about my sister, first a congratulations, because she is getting married. I really hope that my sister respects me and doesn't read this because despite the fact I know where her blog is, I won't read it. It's something personal, and a side of my sister that isn't for me to see. Knowing this, you have to know that despite me not reading the rough equivalent of her open paged journal, I still do know something. I know when she has trouble, I can tell. I know when she feels ganged up on, and when people think everyone is against her. I know everyone of her little ticks she does when she's aggravated and I can call it to the second when she'll break down.

Truth is her and me are both painfully alike in that aspect. We each have different insecurities, we both had different problems growing up, but we are both very visual. Creatively and annoyingly we tell our problems before people can even ask. We tell it by our pained expressions, our upset looks, our posture, our silence. Who needs words with all of this glaring you smack in the face. The worst part though is that when it comes to confrontations, we have somehow managed to be opposite types. If someone really does bother me, I will go up to their face at any point and tell them the best way I can that they need to do something about it. My sister, when she's mad she goes away. She retreats until she knows what she wants to say. I process things aloud, sometimes while walking around. She processes things internally. Now---put these two in a room and let them disagree---GO! Many of our friends can attest to this monstrous and immature display.

Despite our fighting sometimes we still can't really understand each other. Currently this is the situation.

My sister is getting married. My sister is getting married! You have no idea how happy I am for her; despite this though I have a predicament. I don't think my sister is quite ready personally to join with another in holy matrimony. She knows she has issues, but I just don't know if she's open to seeing them all. Her roommates can seem them, her family can see them, but why is she is blatantly unaware. When I look at how her and Mike get along I trust they want god to be a big part of their relationship, but I also think that they're strong emotional attraction has but a bias on their views of each other. I know I seem skeptical. Maybe that's another big character flaw on my part, or maybe I'm just being a brother. I just had to ask myself, Is this the best thing for her at this time, or will she need more time?

Bring in more to this equation my sister has set the date for her wedding in March. When she is married she will know her fiance Mike for one whole year. One whole year. What do I know really, what experience do I have in dating and relationships? The real answer is none, which further adds to a malicious motive some may skew me towards. Truth is by my sister having a wedding it further puts me in a financial straight shot situation of not knowing what to do. I want to go to a school in January. I need my parents to help me with that. Key Words: I want. What I want doesn't really matter at this point, except for the fact that I want my sister to be happy.

" 9known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." 2 Corinthians 6:3-10 (NIV)

This is phrasing that was quoted through somewhere, I'm not sure where, but I remembered it involved patience. I remember that it talks about dying, where at times it's honestly what I felt was happening to me. I could relate to that feeling of dying, of part of you thoroughly wasting away with every heaving step. Yet we live on. It seems I've been saying I'm sorry a lot lately. Now though, I need to say again...but to god. I keep telling myself that I'm ready. I keep telling people around me that I have changed and grown enough that I can do this again. I keep remembering things that made me so sad to see, like when I was in Manitoba. I was so sad to be there and not have that connection everyone else had. I was jealous they had the freedom to move on while I had still more work to do. I was jealous of a connection I lacked amongst them. At the very same time I was ridiculously happy, I saw them moving on with their lives and I saw that they were affected. It's frakking beautiful. However there is nothing I can particularly do now except hold on and wait. I love god, but dang him for making me wait.

It better be worth it.

So. Back to my sister to end this annoyingly hovering and long long entry full of depressing typed diarhea spewed on to the page. My struggle with her is that, I wish I could be more happy for her. So to do that, I'll pretty much have to wait a little longer for my stuff to happen, at least until god tells me something else. I want her to have the best wedding she can, because you only do get one...if you do it right and make it count. So my parents shouldn't have to worry about my school and the wedding at the same time. It's annoyingly easier, which makes it harder for me to do.

Now. Someone please, knit me a sweater, it's COLD.

"Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 (the Message)

Food Makes All Apologies a Little Bit Easier...

2006-11-05T15:39:00.000-08:00

It should be known that for any sort of apology one must present an offering of sincerity...which is usually food. In all honesty I couldn't think of a sweeter (pun intended) way of saying.

I'm sorry.

Might I also add I'm new in hopes that I can salvage my grand audience of two?

How about an explanation. I've been blinded by Wedding Bells, and my sister has decided to get married---in five months! God Bless Her! Now I congratulate her for this great step forward in life, but at the same time this caused me to shrink back and realize I really don't have much in my bank account. So I was faced with one of those whats-a-ma-call-it "life choices" and regressed to my ignore my blogging ways. Really, It was wonderful almost to not cook for three whole weeks. Then I realized I really really wanted to cook, because cooking is for lack of a better word, therapeutic. What was missed was a Chili with too much spice and Muffins that while sweet and lasted a whole day unfortunately were so complicated it made me scream. In other words true failures that I just wasn't ready to admit too. Am I in denial? Probably...I mean, yes, but that doesn't give me any excuse. In fact I make a lot of failures but every once in a while I hit a streak of pure gold. It just so happens that recently that streak of gold was from the flesh of some sort of slow-roasted vegetable. So enough with the sincerities and time for the real presents!
I don't know why, but this time of year...I am obsessed with squash. Maybe it's just us Americans or an obscure diet staple of upper midwest americas or what, but anywhere you go this time of year you will see a variety of fall-hued stemmed monstrosities. Children Carry around Plastic versions of the more popular ones, while our grocery aisles suddenly have endcap aisles devoted to Libby's Moneymaker. Our Coffee Shops create drinks devoted to them, our bakeries thrown them in cheesecakes and muffins and cookies, oh my! You cannot go anywhere without running into them, that's because any grower knows that when they really go to fruition they breed like happy bunnies and gerbils.

So I present a gift, orange and sweet and studded with crunchy pecans, this is loaf that is it's simplest form, frakking awesome! The best part is that it is from an old Cooking Light so it's almost good for you...well, admittedly eating a whole loaf in one sitting won't help your wasteline. I'd like to note I really couldn't bring myself to add water to a loaf recipe when you can really add something more flavorful, after a try I opted to add buttermilk to balance the flavor. (Which for a quarter cup it adds about 30 calories to the whole loaf and very little fat...which I should really look up)

I hope in the future after a stunning amount of butter consumption in preparing my first recipe I can actually slim down in the future. Think of this as a positive step in the right direction, a new effort, a season resolution so to speak.

AND Maybe...just maybe I'll figure out how to use my gorram camera some day too.

Pumpkin Cranberry Loaf (Adapted from Cooking Light - November 1995)

2 cups all-purpose flour
2/3 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 3/4 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
(or Sub 3/4 tsp Ginger, 1/2 tsp Cinnamon,
1/4 tsp nutmeg, and 1/8 tsp cloves)
1 cup canned pumpkin
1/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 egg whites, lightly beaten
3/4 cup coarsely chopped cranberries

1/2 cup chopped pecans

Vegetable cooking spray
5 x 9 Loaf Pan
Wheat Germ or Flour for Dusting

Preheat your Oven to 350 Fahrenheit, (someday I will look up Celcius, but until then remember I am american and we all run on the "our system is the way" measuring system) and spray and dust your pan with whatever your choice of dusting items and fat. I use good old Canola Oil Cooking Spray. I spray the bottom, then add a fitted piece of parchment paper followed by more spraying along he sides. I usually dust with wheat germ, just because I think it really marries well with muffins and loafs (and my mother told me too), again I say use whatever you normally do.

Now, before you really do anything else, seperate the three eggs and leave the whites in a medium size bowl for later. Now Measure and Whisk Together all of the spices, the baking powder, salt, flour and sugars in a large bowl until combined. Now stop and clean up before you go any further because if you're like me---you just don't want to do this later. Now back to those egg whites; whisk them until right before they form those soft peaks; you want a thickness but not a meringue. Now fold in the pumpkin (or butternut puree if you're feeling bored yet adventerous), buttermilk, oil, and vanilla extract. Create a well in the middle the dry ingredients and add the wet to that well and fold lightly. Now just after the dry really starts to marry to the wet (but while there are still large streaks of flour) throw the cranberries into the fold. There should still be large some streams of flour when you decide to walk away. Just walk away. Let this baby rest and clean up any residual messes amongst your kitchen.
Spread the batter into that already coated 9 x 5-inch loaf pan, gently. Sprinkle the Pecans Evenly over the top and using whatever you used to spread the batter to just gently tuck in the pecans. Bake at 350° for 54 - 58 Minutes depending on your oven, I typically take it out just a little bit early. Let it cool in the pan for 15 minutes on a wire rack; remove from the pan, and let cool almost completely on wire rack before slicing. Resist the Temptation to eat it all the minute it comes out, a burnt mouth really ruins the experience, and that added in-pan cooking time seems to help it set.
Each Slice depending on the size from a twelve piece loaf will have around 225 calories, and about 6 grams of fat. Mostly Good fat, and there is nothing better than good fat.

Yield: 12-16 servings (serving size: 1 slice)

Handle With Care

2006-10-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

"Why Am I afraid to dance, I who love music and
ryhthm and grace and song and laughter?
Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the
beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth
and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to Love, I who love love?"

Eugene O'neil
The Great God Brown

Commercial Drive. Did anyone ever know how much I hated this place? How much I despised and loathed all of it. You knew I loved it, but did you really know that I hated it more than any other place in the earth. Heck, I thought I was done with it. It was like an old photograph, in that it found it's beauty in it's character and grime; It's life in it's nooks and crannies and down the alleys you never should go. The sky was beautiful, hell...the people were all gorgeous. All the while something so ugly, so hideous had tainted my own love for Vancouver. Now before I go any further I must say that I really do love this city, more than any I've been to...now continuing.

My crappy pride. My terrible evil inner self that caused me to be such a bratty child, all the while I would attempt to present myself as calm and composed. Have you ever seen a bratty child try to act grown up? It's a little cute and well-intentioned but all the while a ridiculous scene that never ends with maturity. I hated that I was not a good person there. I hate that some have considered me to be abusively angry and at times for no reason I would just be so mad, so mad. I know it seems silly, but I really can be that mad...at myself. You see it's all because of pride that I forget things that I love. I love to watch life happen, yet I'm afraid to live it. I love love, yet I fear and hide from it more than anything or anyone I know. I just didn't understand the concept of love.

So recently, I went back to something else biblical I didn't quite understand. The severity of the cross, so I listened to one of the most graphic, insensitive, vile, no mercy sermon on it. I loved it. It was by a speaker named mark driscoll, and he delivered this speech at the reform and resurge conference in Seattle this past august. I think because all of my life the cross was this fluffy happy symbol churches gave to you. It was on all bibles, and ornate necklaces but I never really understood it. I never understood just how much pain he had to go through. Looking back, it forces me to see myself as just how selfish I'd been. So I started reading Luke, again, and this time I'm working through it slowly but surely. I've never really read the bible through a whole chapter so bare with me, this is new.

I've learned something though, if not it was drilled into head by my mom, my family, my friends, my job, my own brain---which overworks every stinking thing. As much as I hate this terrible evil crappy place known as Ohio, if god wants me here...that's where I'll be. Where we have the coldest winters, and the hottest summers. Where drinking and watching men fight to the death uniformly over a small bundle of mess wrapped in a sheeth of rubber is the most popular form of entertainment, and the fumes of an old factory makes you dizzy with anger at the polution we cause. I hate rubber town so much, that if god really wants me to stay here, than that will have to do. Heck if God wanted me to spend the rest of my life in an amazing city, or a polar ice cap, or even the dodgy side of london in the back alleys---SO BE IT.

Because I would hate it more if I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be. In this spirit of travel...I applied for another school. This time you may have heard of it, although I hear they're getting a new building and moving a little down the road; you might have passed them at some point walking through Vancouver. They would walk the streets wearing funny aprons and spouting silly promises, or better yet, I think you've tried their soap. Yes, my friends I have applied to that fun city you all know I hate.

More specifically I talked to Mark, which took a lot out of me. I haven't written a blog about it, simply because I wasn't sure. I think I'm sure. I've tried to apply for other schools because I just wanted to go somewhere, anywhere. Drats though to that crappy mean bully of a god who wants me to go somewhere specific, who pushed me in the direction of a city I had never heard of in the first place (in a country with play money none the less). Then to top it all of he sends me back to Ohio, because I wasn't ready yet. Darn him, but I think he knows what he's doing. I'm trying here, to see the plus side to it all. Ohio isn't a terrible place, I think people even move here because it isn't. We have great produce, and culture in our cities. We have an abundance of resources to dabble in, and places to create our dreams. Heck, Akron invented Purell, Instant Oatmeal, the first breakfast cereal, and the first graded school system among others. Alchoholics Anonymous originated here! That means Ohio was the first group of people to try and get help, so maybe it is a place for the refugees of life. Come and deal with your problems, before moving on and such.

Then after the first time I tried to post this message I get a post card from someone in San Fransisco, suggesting I apply to their January DTS. Go Figure. Like I really need anymore help second guessing myself, come on. Honestly! HONESTLY, GOD---you bully!

I want this Vancouver school to happen, key words though: I want. If it doesn't happen, I will wait, because I'm the only one who can make myself wait. A few things need some prayer though, first---It will need more students for a school in January (which they're are currently one other than me that I know of in both Vancouver and San Francisco) and secondly I will have to pull the funds and make it happen. I need God's help in this though, because I just can't have someone donating me a 1000 dollars at the last minute despite they're good intentions when it isn't supposed to happen. It's like the first picture I took in this post, where the statue is holding on to the water and it's just slipping through her hands. You don't try to grab water. You can help it a little though, to get where it needs to go. God will have to make it happen, and I've give that up to him. I'm just going to wait at the stop sign until then. So Hey God, won't you be my traffic light? Heck, why not drive the car, I'll just take a nap now.

Word of the Day - Clemency

Clemency is an associated term, meaning the lessening of the penalty of the crime without forgiving the crime itself. The act of clemency is a reprieve. Today, pardons and reprieves are granted in many countries when individuals have demonstrated that they have fulfilled their debt to society, or are otherwise deserving (in the opinion of the pardoning official) of a pardon or reprieve. Pardons are sometimes offered to persons who, it is claimed, have been wrongfully convicted. However, accepting such a pardon implicitly constitutes an admission of guilt, so in some cases the offer is refused.

Keep Looking Up

2006-10-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have so many different stories to tell that they roll over into other things. In this case I've created a food blog...and it's THIS BIG as the lady claims.

Check it out sometime, I should update it once a week for now.

http://imnotafoodie.blogspot.com

Cookies Remix, and an Introduction of Sorts.

2006-10-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Not Only Have I had multiple starts at this, I never in fact expected to start this. So here it is, and with the first requested recipe. I read too many freaking food blogs, and I just have to put forward and try. If you want a little more info on my just look to the side and I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for at this time.

Now for the meat of this start, although there isn't really any meat involved.

The truth about this recipe is that I hated making it to start with, as it came from epicurious.com and was quite evil and incomplete. It was really a risk because I needed something to serve that had something to do with the scots. See, these are just basically chocolate oatmeal shortbread cookies. However, they use Steel-cut scottish oats. The first time I made these it turned out perfect, and formed just fine. I was forced to do a presentation with someone I didn't really trust to work with so I figured I could blind people with food. It conveniently worked. The second time they took 30 minutes longer to finish, and turned out cakey and bitter (surprising as they have no eggs in them). I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I did wrong.

So I set the stupid evil recipe on the shelf and hopefully would never have to look back.

Unfortunately though, it just bothered me I had screwed it up so bad. So I adjusted the recipe, and I tried to add moisture to what has to be the world's most freaking crumbly dough without actually breaking down it's delicate chemistry.I added one teaspoon of milk, that's all. They spread like the fat lady who sings at the end of everything over a child's chair. They tasted good still, but it just...something was wrong. Truth is they flew off the plate regardless, so I figured it was worth trying out.

I mean...it just looks to good to resist using these good ingredients. I use a good quality dark chocolate chip or just hack at a bar of high cocoa chocolate. Speaking of which, when I was in Vancouver I just used Frye's Cocoa, which I think is a good all purpose cocoa for baking. Now in Rubber City we have lots of Amish near us, and a large dutch population So I just stick to a good quality Dutch-Processed Cocoa.

"Dutch process chocolate is chocolate that has been treated with an alkalizing agent to modify its color and give it a more mild flavor. It forms the basis for much of modern chocolate candy. It is used in ice cream, beverages, and baking. The development of the Dutch process by Dutch chocolate maker Coenraad Johannes van Houten, along with his development of the method of removing fat from cacao beans by hydraulic press around 1828, formed the basis for cocoa powder and simplified chocolate culture"

DO NOT USE HERSHEY'S...EVER.

Sorry, the red mist got in the way.

Now, It wasn't until I was at my sister's house though that I really figured how to get the cookies to form. I started with the oats (which came out like pellets) and soaked them in cold water for about an hour or so. Other than that I found if I compacted them (see diagram below) that I could get the tight balls I wanted. It's really quite fun, and could easily make these with other people.

It worked! They looked pretty and were great (see above) and were like I remembered. They are also a quick recipe to make once you get a hang of it, but you only need one cookie or so as they aren't light on calories. These are the cookies for chocolate lovers and whenever I can I use a dark chocolate bar and chop it instead of the chips. If you give these a spin give me a comment. This is my first recipe ever posted, anywhere. I will say thought that I have slightly adjusted these every time, each time just a little bit more oats (I like them oaty =D) and make sure you watch them like a hawk as they will quickly burn.

Chocolate Oaties
1 cup all purpose flour 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 3/4 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 tsp. Vanilla Extract (or Vanilla Bean Paste) 1/2 tsp. Almond Emulsion (optional; can use Almond Extract instead) 1/4 cup Steel Cut Oats ( soaked in cold water for about 45 minutes then drained) 1/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips 1/3 cup Chopped Raisins (optional)

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a Jelly Roll Pan with parchment paper. Whisk Flour, Baking Soda, Salt, and Cocoa in a medium size bowl and set to the side. Now take your room temperature butter and cut it into small pieces and using a nonstick spatula abuse the heck out of the butter until has a slightly creamer consistency, add the sugar, vanilla, and almond emulsion (optional) and continue the abuse until it's relatively fluffy. (You could use a mixer, but why miss out on the fun?) Add flour mixture and beat until it starts to darken, this dough is very dark. Mix in oats with that spatula until evenly distributed (dough will be crumbly but if you squeeze a small piece of it it should hold together like good snow). Add chocolate chips (and raisins if you have them) and mix the best you can. Using lightly floured palms, shape 1 generous tablespoon dough into ball. Then flatten slightly and knead into a small patty. The dought should stick together, but it may crumble a little even after you put it on the pan, that is okay! through the crumbs back into the bowl to get in on the rest of the action. Place on the jelly roll sheet; repeate with remaining dough, spacing rounds about 2 inches apart. Bake cookies until center is slightly firm and top is cracked, about 14 minutes. Cool on sheet.

The Inside Tip: Old-fashioned oats have been cut, steamed, and flattened with large rollers. Steel-cut oats are not as highly processed and look like tiny pellets. They produce a more al dente result. they look a bit like bird seed in the store and are also known as coarse-cut oats, pinhead oats, Scotch oats, and Irish oats. Many people feel that the Steel-cut oats provide better flavour than rolled oats due to the lack of preprocessing. Usually due to the fact that they are not preprocessed then dried, Steel-cut oats are often packaged in a vacuum tight container (like a coffee can) to seal in freshness, but sometimes in bulk stores.

If you absolutely cannot find them anywhere, you can use regular old-fashioned (not instant oats) just skimp out on the soaking and adjust to your tastes. It will not be the same cookie, but I never said it wasn't just as intriguingly rich in flavor.

Makes 12-16 Cookies (and goes great with coffee).

Decatur, or , round of applause for your stepmother!

2006-10-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, those are soybeans, yes I take all of these pictures, and no I do not know what decatur means...

thus.

WORD OF THE MOMENT:

Decatur - Decatur is the name of several places in the United States. Most, if not all, are named for Stephen Decatur, U.S. naval officer, known for his exploits at Tripoli against the Barbary Pirates and the toast "Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be in the right; but our country, right or wrong," often shortened to "My country, right or wrong".

Sorry you haven't heard from me in a bit, a lot of different things have happened, but I really want to wrap up my projects for midterms (and waiting on a little bit more info for something) before I really dish. Yes, I hate that last word, but it's appropriate...blame the smiley beast.

Minature Disasters

2006-09-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

Crashing into someone else is the most indescribable feeling in the entire world...and I've had it happen, what? Three times now? When it happens, as you run right into the other person...and you hear the metals crashing, breaks screeching, everything stopping at that very second. Then for just a small second, the world stops. When it starts again your mind is going faster than your car before it happened, your brain is plotting out your next move, you cry, you go nuts, and then you stop again.

Wait.

...and then it's right back in there with the clearest head you can imagine. You have a course of action, you have a plan, a story, and a split second of the truth all rushing through. It wasn't until I was in the Police car that I couldn't help but hold back the laughter. All these minature disasters, you'd think they'd be the death of me. Too bad when they really come after me, it's like they wake up the fire. I have a plan, and that plan is to not make plans. It's to have ideas, pursue all of them, and hold onto the one that gives. I---for the third time in two years of having my liscense, have totaled my car---and I am more than fine. I'm alive.

My work was praying for me, my family was praying for me, and who says prayer doesn't work.

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

Good God Jesus, if you need my attention God all you had to do is ask. I took my first step backwards today, both literally and figuratively. I talked to my pastor today, finally. I told her my story; it wasn't perfect but the world kept turning. Afterwords I had some time to myself, I watched a great movie about changing things while you still can. It's a horribly cheesy movie with lots of bad eighties moments but the chick is hot and it makes me smile. It reminded me of a few things; to remember I loved running. that amazing feeling of not being able to catch your breath, knowing god is there holding you up by your strings.

The verse is from a crazy little Korean, I danced in the darken streets today just a few minutes ago. Crazy things we do when we're doing better.

EDIT: I actually did have the accident on wednesday morning, I just wasn't sure how to write it without sounding all angst-child. =P

No More Keeping My Feet on the Ground

2006-09-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

There is an odd process and ritual to the way I do things. When I write a blog, I always find one song first to suit the entry. When I watch a movie, I always get the chocolate, then the popcorn, then the drink...in that order. We are creatures of habit are we not? So do when we do bad things is it out of habit, out of ritual?

So I thought today I'd change things up.

Today is a challenge, to force yourself not to do something you know you shouldn't do. Today is the challenge to stop keeping your feet on the ground.

Maybe it's just the time to stop ordering that grande 2% carmel macciato, doubleshot, heavy on the carmel or something random like that. Maybe today, you won't be late. Maybe today you'll make breakfast instead of leaving it up to the deep freeze at your local place where the caffiene resides. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something new about yourself.

Maybe today. Hell, why not today? Right?

The View From the Afternoon.

2006-09-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

NOTE: At one point when I was mulling over what to say in this post, I initially had a lot to say...but I decided it against that same post I had originally thought.

So here's the revised version of my thoughts!

The past week I spent a good amount of time wandering about Akron. When you live so close to it but never actually take a time out to look at it, you would forget this place is still essentially a city. Full-fledged baby city, complete with homeless people and a good healthy amount of broken businesses and equally broken buildings. I took this time out because I wanted to see if there was something worth investing in this city. Is it worth my time and effort. On that front I haven't decided, but I did decide to explore it further. Specifically I am exploring our Ethnic Offerings.

Now anywhere in Akron you can find a cheap Chinese takeout place, that much is true, but what about the other Asian offerings. I was determined so to speak. In my exploration though I headed off slightly north, where I find the ONLY Korean restaurant south of Cleveland and North of Columbus...it makes me sad. You just can't find the good Kimchee I require for sustenance. Speaking of which I've been contemplating buying a giant jar for a while now to last me a bit. I saw it at walmart and nearly passed out. I remember seeing it and just standing there staring for a good ten minutes, scaring small children in the process. I mean I can't find it at a lot of Asian food stores here and then I go to Wall-mart of all places. Twisted Reality, man. If you care very little about food I have formated this differently so you can skip down to the rest of the entry.

Seoule Garden - As the only Korean Food Source within an hour of Campus, this one very small and slightly out of the way establishment is known to every Korean International Student on Campus (one of the ways I found this out) and resides in the Under tapped Ethnic Resources of Cuyahoga Falls. When you enter you hear what can only be known as the fluffiest music in the world and are visually attacked by the contrasting bright stickers serving to brgin the only real color to a very dull interior all the while advertising various dishes in Korean and English. Prices are as can be expected from a minority in ethnic food, but from what I've seen will get you a lot either way.

Initially I didn't have the most positive reaction to this place. I had visited it a first time ordering a lunch special (which was fine, but rather minimal) and was treated to sitting in a very empty room with a very lonely Korean man lacking true English skills. The second visit (which is usually where the cracks are seen more visibly when visiting a restaurant) was actually what made this a good place to visit. There were people there! *gasp*ed! I was shocked but not really, and you could tell the owners where in an infinitely better mood. This time around though I strayed away from easy for American fare and delved into the more traditional bits.

WARNING...VERY FOOD CRITIC-ish FROM HERE ON.

I was ordering for two but was still shocked at the amount of food. I had ordered relatively basic dishes, one of which came with sides (five kinds of kimchee!) for two people. The first dish---Bibim bahp or Mixed Rice Dish---consisted of a base of rice and a generous heaping amount of hot pepper paste (the Korean ketchup, yay for spiciness) and topped with a melody of bahnchans (prepared veggies and sometimes meat and tofu, in this one meat) all of this is topped with either a large fried egg or an egg that is scrambled, cooked paper thing and julienned. Personally I require the Fried Egg because it's the mixed yolk that really gives this dish it's signature texture.

I felt with this dish you could see that the cooks, two very straight-faced korean women ( I think mother and daughter) really put a lot of work to make use of what's available in the Ohio area. The banchans were well seasoned and each added a new depth of flavor. Most you would expect (Zucchini, Carrots, Soybean Sprouts, mushrooms, kimchee, and others I don't remember) but there was also a twiggy looking brown thing (which was surprisingly good) that I haven't seen in this dish before. Apparently this root only grows in Korea and is usually picked by wandering old ladies on their daily walks to use in everyday food, in America's case it is dried and shipped. This reconstituted root had some tooth and fibrous texture to it, and I felt it helped give an unsually earthy (yet still pleasant) undertone to the whole dish. As a whole when I ordered this it was like I was no longer the annoying American and the owner seemed to perk up. Flavor was magnificent, if I haven't mentioned that, especially the fried egg which was heavenly fried with added sesame.

The second dish was Tak Bulgogki (Chicken!) and came with sides which are typical when ordering in at restaurants. In this case I had asked for extra kimchee the owner promptly gave me a good amount of every kimchee offering he had available (radish, something else rooty, cucumber ---also called Oi, traditional, and I think...onion) as well as a fish-flavored tempeh (texurized soy protein). After much debate I decided I like the Radish Kimchee and it's sweet flavor. As for the dish, seasoned and barbecued chicken with extra peppers and spices in an almost barbecue sauce wasn't as sweet as I'm use to, but that may be due to a fact I've eaten dumbed down Korean when it came to Bulgogki. It was flavorful, yet not too much, still though it was worth the higher cost and very filling (enough for two easy) I could see myself eating this again.

The overall experience was a very positive one, with a more warm reaction and the chance to watch those crazy koreans interact in such an animated matter while they eat, I would do this again. It's amazing how it seems all Koreans need to feel at home is food and a good conversation, just watching them alone was worth the cultural experience. Just stay away from the lunch specials.

Total Price for Two (and my dinner as well) = $17.83

Seoul Garden Korean Restaurant

2559 State Rd
Cuyahoga Falls, OH 44223
(330) 929-9971

Oh dear god I think I just reviewed a restaurant...there is no hope for me. I had another review, but I think I'll save that for later and get back to life. I've been wandering about a bit really, religiously and I promise that isn't as bad as it sounds. It means, in short that I have been re-evaluated what I knew about God and the bible. I found I was annoyed at a recording simply because I disagreed with the fact that he put so much faith in the bible as word...yes I did just say that. I was shocked with myself. "What the hell was I thinking?" was the phrase of the day after that. No worries, it was a temporary lack in judgement and I'm trying to remedy this by reading more of the word. Again I am attempting to work my way through Luke, albeit slowly, but surely.

I'm still thinking about doing a DTS, but was wondering what it would be like to go to a truly different country. One where I would never have to cook, but the food would always be different. On top of that I have found one of the nicest Korean food stores in Ohio, which was both well-stocked and well maintained by a very nice man. A nice man who is introducing me to what can only be worded as a Korean Language School (which I am still hunting for in Akron, he gave me directions but I need to ask again) and I think it's something I want to do. I've wanted to learn another language for a while, and I know this may be it. Pray for me with this, please?

I think sometimes when you have so much to do and so much on your mind you forget to really tell about the dulldrum every day things. Such as...I like my job (starbucks) . Despite the fact I work for the man, I am very well taken care of at work. I hope that I start getting longer hours and more hours training with advanced training because I just don't want to sit around. Sometimes I seem a bit too determined but after having six jobs in two years when you sit down and work you don't stand for holdrum standards of life.

For those who don't know, I am in one class, and it's a doozy. Anatomical Life Drawing, where lots of flesh is not to be seen is seen in full view. I thought this class would be so hard but when you just sit down and draw it like anything else you start to really enjoy it. It's so much more than drawing still life, because you get to search for things in the model. I wonder, what's her story, where does her emotions lie, is she cold? I've done some surprisingly good drawings too, and almost wish I could do more...and that can't be a bad thing when it comes to art, now is it. Yes I am drawing FULL LIVE NUDES (wonder if those will get my some search engine hits) but they are just people in their rawest form. Nothing hidden, nothing sacred.

All in all, I'm in a better attitude than I've been in. I'm a little frazzled because Christmas isn't far away, and a year ago last christmas I was coming home as a failure. I will have been home a year and not gone very far or even where I thought I would go. I hope though, that maybe I can enjoy this coming year just a little bit more.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." - Deutoronomy 7:9

Edit: No Word of the day, it was going to be Existential, but everytime I tried to post it HTML errors would appear

Throw Me a Rope

2006-08-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

I owe a post. I also owe my apologies to the world of bloggers for treating the blogosphere as if they were my own personal audience. Truth be told a lot of what I write is just mental diahrehea. When you least expect is you just have to put it somewhere.

So I wasn't accepted into a school. It's been done before, it's all happened and I've been through that. I've dealt with rejection all of my life. So why the heck was it harder this time? Well, truth be told it wasn't rejection. It was oddly an acknowledgment of understanding. See the director has spoken with Randy before about me, and with Mark. The school did above and beyond an outstanding job of respecting my individual case. In the letter, which I won't post here, but if anyone wanted to see it just ask me ( It's just a letter like any other) They told me that It wasn't the right school for me. I could go the route of saying---"Well how the heck do you know what school is right for me, huh...punk!"---but really that wouldn't be realistic an it would have a simple answer. They don't know what school is right for me, they just know they aren't it. They understand what they as a school need to really make the school successful and build people up into missions, and they want to do that through missions---head first style, and to respect what they know and trust is all I can do.

I wanted to go to Montreal so much. What I want, unfortunately isn't always for the best. People don't know what they want, they rarely know what they think they need.

I was people watching today. Because...well I had nothing better to do, and well, I like people. Now the funny thing about people watching is you usually do your best when you least realize it. You notice things about people, and the way they interact. For example, I bought running shoes today---finally. I've been in the store before but I never seen this particular salesmen before, he was an oddball really. He comes up to me and right away I notice he has this accent...I just couldn't place it. He continues to talk, and chat. He knows a lot about shoes. In fact I'd go as far as to say he truly respects shoes as much as people. I had come in thinking I knew what I wanted and he got me something else. Usually this is just the sign of a good sell, but I felt like I could trust the guy. He was training today, and when you're watching people interact with new people it becomes a real show. Mate (his name...which I forgot but later added in here =D) had this amazing ability to adapt to people. He would speak with someone for a minute and then he would just sort of know how to tell them something. Everyone was different. All the while my curiosity with accents was kicking me to ask. Eventually I did. He was from Hungary! I shouldn't exclaim that but that was the last place I expected.

Foreign People make my day.

Later I had stopped by Borders to say hello to Melissa (old friend who is old but not really) and decided to sit an try and finish my tea passport for starbucks in one sitting. I was determined, but was distracted by the wandering children in the store. See there was something off about this one very vocal little girl, she was wondering around as if the store was her castle. I was waiting for her to declare my kingdom for a scone, when I realized she was from the united kingdom. She reminded me so much of Lola from "Charlie and Lola" that it was just uncanny.

Again I say, foreign people make my day. Especially when they are five and they have the confidence of a hardened war general.

EDIT: Just a note, I actually try to write her quite often...but I don't publish all of them. Some I just write as mental notes and such which would read something like.

"You must wake up early tommorrow and write letters, finish the draft for the artist pages, bake scones, be abducted by aliens, etc."

Others I save until I can go back and finish them and sort of tone them down a bit. Like Today's Blog (Posted September 5, 2006 ---hey what can I say it's been busy.

Word of the Moment!

Viscous vis·cous (vĭs'kəs)
adj.

Having relatively high resistance to flow.
Viscid; sticky.

[Middle English, from Old French, from Late Latin viscōsus. See viscose.]

viscously vis'cous·ly adv.
viscousness vis'cous·ness n.

Everybody is Someone

2006-08-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was as of today officially not accepted into the Montreal Urban Cultures Discipleship Training School. I'll make another post later with what I think on this, but I'm not quite sure of that at the moment.

...I'm okay so far though. Just to make this a little less than not cheery, I give you the word of the moment.

corroborate \kuh-ROB-uh-rayt\, transitive verb:
To strengthen or make more certain with other evidence.

Whenever I can, I interview family and friends extensively both to corroborate the history given me by the defendant and to gain insight into his behavior and personality.
-- Barbara R. Kirwin, Ph.D., The Mad, the Bad, and the Innocent: The Criminal Mind on Trial

He said that when the jurors confronted discrepancies in any of the prosecution witnesses' descriptions, they used the testimony of other prosecution witnesses to corroborate the chronology.
-- "Most Jurors Thought Schwarz Aided Attack, Foreman Says", New York Times, August 2, 2002

As we have no public notoriety, no concurrent testimony, no records to support and corroborate what we deliver, it becomes us to keep within the limits not only of possibility, but of probability too.
-- Henry Fielding, The History of Tom Jones

Joggin' Gorgeous Summer

2006-07-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

I held it in my hand. On the cover page there was a stain, and on others --- the marks of a long day's coffee. It consisted of only a few pages, but I held off for so long. It's light and simple, and just looking at it you wouldn't know it had the most intricate and intimate details of my life tucked neatly inside of it's tattered stocked pages. I was scared really, of trying again. Here I sit with my happy tripped out music (The Islands) and think that maybe, just maybe everything will work out in the end. Either that or I just had too much Raspberry Fudge Swirl. Either way, it's on it's way now and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

...and now for the grand word of the day!

surreptitious \suhr-uhp-TISH-uhs; suh-rep-\, adjective:
1. Done, made, or gotten by stealth.
2. Acting with or marked by stealth.

The monitoring is not surreptitious; on the contrary, the defendant and his or her attorney are required to be given notice of the government's listening activities.
-- John Ashcroft, "National Security; Prevention of Acts of Violence and Terrorism", Federal Register 66, no. 211, October 26, 2001

While men's appetites are driven by availability, women's are often driven by cravings. A dab of chocolate here, a pinch of sugar there, and some surreptitious
-- Wendy Hubbert, "The skinny on male/female dieting", Redbook, October 1, 2001 midnight Dairy Queen runs lurk behind a woman's oh-so-virtuous bran breakfast, salad lunch, and grilled fish dinner.

Now she made a surreptitious glance toward the doorway into the hall.
-- Naeem Murr, The Boy

Blueberry Boat.

2006-07-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

...and today's word of the day is: Scuttlebutt

The nautical term Scuttlebutt originally (and still) means a water fountain or water cask on a ship. However, it is now more commonly used as slang for "information" or "gossip".

The cask of drinking water on ships was called a scuttlebutt and since Sailors exchanged gossip when they gathered at the scuttlebutt for a drink of water, scuttlebutt became U.S. Navy slang for gossip or rumors. A butt was a wooden cask which held water or other liquids; to scuttle is to drill a hole, as for tapping a cask.

How's that for the real "scuttlebutt" of the world, eh? Yeah...Off to the post to do important post-y type things!

Oh, and I have a job.

I miss you.

2006-07-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's been really hard to get started this week. As some of you know, monday I had to say goodbye to a dear friend. My cat Max. We weren't exactly sure how old he was becuase we adopted him from the street, his estimated age is somewhere between thirteen to seventeen years of age (which is quite long for cats I suppose). This is the same cat who no matter how you treated him just wanted loved. I loved that about him, he just didn't care, but thrived when people gave him the time of day.

On his last day...Max had multiple tumors in his system. Three that we knew of, in his gums face and stomach. He had his eye removed earlier and it caused him to go blind in his other eye, we believe with one eye removed it just released cancer into his system. After he went blind, the first few nights he came home he just made this sad sound. It was like he was asking where everyone is, and it got more deperate and frantic, until someone would pick him up. We should have let him go at that moment, but we loved this cat too much. On his final day, you knew he was ready. He just lie there on the counter.

We buried him in between all of the rain on monday...and I truly miss him. I have a lot more to talk about, but I'll save that for another time alright? This blog is now again officially active, as I had to return my computer, with reasons to come soon.

The Festival was amazing...

2006-06-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

Until I came home. =P Honestly.

I will have a big update soon, I've been at my sisters too so this is my first day officially back. Today, was a much longer day than it had to be for me.

Let's try again tommorrow shall we?

Stupid Monkeys.

2006-06-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

OKAY.

I am a bit irritated, mind you that isn't anything new, but I would really like to have my computer back and working because I really wanna play around with the layout for this more.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

I'm doing something next week, well it's not final, but it's something. I'll be volunteering at the local christian music festival...ALIVE. Riveting title eh, well their site ( www.alive.org ) has all the info, and three of my favorite christian bands are playing (David Crowder, The Afters, and Sanctus Real) and, well I dunno it's chance to be with people who won't hate me or look down on me because I'm christian. It's a chance to be in just a step above my normal everyday spectrum of unusual people. I've been feeling off I think for the reason that I have little interaction with churches at the moment or christians of any sort. Except for Choir Practice and Sunday, I rarely do anything christianish and I miss that

...and I made biscotti! They turned out great. =D That and I decided to just keep both of the blogs in this account for now.

Oddly enough "Dead Like Me" makes me smile these days. I think for a show that has so much heaped in profanity it actually tries to look and do something others dare not touch. Plus it does it with a good jab to your side to make you laugh at something that normally brings tears. I respect that about it.

A Death and a Closing.

2006-05-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

In all honesty I know I have issues. What I will be doing soon though is closing this blog, and starting not one but two new ones. The first one will be a new personal blog, but with a commitment to being more positive. It will also be the focus of missions work, as I'm about to start in a slurry of support raising for a new school or whatever I will be doing with my life.

The second I was testing, and will start later is devoted to...FOOD. Someone wanted me to start doing full reviews of CD's again as well, so I may throw a few in there with a lot more in depth notes as opposed to the short blurbs I have every now and then.=D

Yes I am in fact starting a food blog, my addiction to cooking has grown since I've been home and I've been on a bent to learn everything I can. So, like many others before me I shall devote a blog to food and such.

...and a final sad note. As of May 22, 2006 Kaylee has passed away from stress and brain activity. Soon, she will have a replacement, and no...it won't be the same. It will never be the same, but I hope her follow-up will at least have the heart that Kaylee had as she just tried too hard to do everything I ask.

For this I say, Good day and God Bless.

Now I must go reboot my life, I believe it locked up on me.

See I can smile sometimes...

2006-05-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hi.

This Picture is actually from my new love. Her name is Kaylee. She came in from China Yesterday. She take's pretty good pictures, eh?

Man this makes me miss Photoshop though, I'm going to trade in my windows copy tommorrow.

Funny Thing about Memories.

2006-05-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, memories are my downfall. They are the controller to my emotions. They determine how I react, how I think, and how I know when something is right. When I can turn them off though, rare as that may be, I can truly be at peace. Right now, I'm at peace. I have no job, I have just enough money to get by. I am wearing a three dollar shirt from savers (a mexico soccer shirt #89) and above all of it I feel great.

Funny, eh? I've missed people, honest to god, just missed people. Oh, the angst. Anyways. These past few days have been productive, yet good. On Sunday, I had one of the longest drives of my life by myself. I also tried to learn some French. I think I could hold a very short confusing conversation (by myself) now, although it would be impossible with regular french speakers (So fast!). The day after me and Adam Roadtripped it up to Mines-o-ta. Where we are now shacking it up with Laura and Her Peeps.

Then on Tuesday, a long day might I add...we ate more than any two men should actually have to eat. It started with breakfast. Simple as it may be, I ate at about 8:00, then ate some more toast when Laura and Adam got up at around 11:00 (which they are still not up as I type this might I add. Lazy Arse...) We started our interesting and adventurous day. First up, Canoeing! We explored her lake, then her little mini-river where she showed us her fort that she used to hide in when she was a kid with a rifle and shoot unspecting runners in the feet. Twisted, but I guess everyone has their own personal kicks. Then we rowed back, where we tempted fate by suggesting it would be interesting to dump the boat over (thank god we didn't). Then...to the zoo! Which was fully entertaining, especially considering it was a very lame zoo in which the most interesting item of the zoo was the one giraffe who had an infactuation with the concrete wall. He brought a new art to crazy licking. Then he ramped it up a notch as if to show it off more. Followed by the zoo (which Laura secretly despised because she worked at the dipping dot's booth for one day next to a dead bird) we had...meal #3. Now I knew we would have to eat when we went home, because I was up when Laura's mom was prepping Japanese style fried chicken, but it didn't stop us from going to buffalo wild wings (affectionately known as b-dubs) where I had the fast food equivalent of what we would have for dinner later (asian zing, a very kick-arse flavor might I add).

Post this adventure it was a journey back to the house, where chilling and guitar-playing was done. Followed by an invite to bible study with Jessa (and what we found out was meal # 4). Me and Adam---and Laura until she tried to run me over with a van---played a rambunctous game of basketball. Apparantly you aren't supposed to rocket the ball into the woods past the hoop with my amazing shots of gravity-defying klutziness. Go figure. I met Laura's younger brother (the invisible teenager) for about three seconds where he then dissappeared. Off to our next adventure with Laura off to work. The bible study. DUM DUM DUM! We were told there was just snacks. JUST SNACKS. Instead we had Italian-sausage stuffed baby portobello's with Hot Deigo's (an italian open faced burger) followed by fruit and all the (deliciously fresh) swedish fish we could muster. We also had worship, and despite the fact I can't really sing...I really enjoyed it. Good worship doesn't happen that often anymore for me. THEN. We went to visit Laura at her work, for Chai Tea Lattes and ice cream samples (an in between snack before the battle of meal # 5). Off we go, and there she is ready to heat it up for us, Laura's sweetheart of a mom, how could we deny. We tackled it like champs. I actually prayed over the food silently that my stomach wouldn't turn on me. It was really good too. Following it all after Laura returned---with our two favorite ice cream flavors in pints.

Churning of the stomach has a new meaning now. Yet it was all so good, even though I never in my life want to eat that much again.

Artist of the Day - Sam "Leslie" Phillips - I'm finally getting back to these things. Today's Artist or this blog's artist as I may update later, is Sam Phillips. Known for her work on Gilmore Girl's as well as various movies Sam or Leslie Phillips started her career as a christian pop singer. Now sadly, she did fall away from that, but by being burned by label complications. She did however change and fall into a very relaxed folk style. Her husky voice is a beautiful companion to her varied use of instruments (mostly acoustic) melodic driven lyrics, and sweet reflections on the world.

Suggest Albums - "A boot and a shoe" and "Fan Dance"

WOO HOO~

2006-05-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

Soon the canadian dollar will be worth more than the US, we have hit 1.10! Unfortunately I finally found a use for that student Mastercard I got ages ago.

Soon you will all meet my new love. =D

Bad Day

2006-04-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

A moment of silence.

the current USA to Canada exchange rate is one american dollar for every 1.12 with no signs of increase. When I was in toronto it was at 1.43. When I was in vancouver it was at 1.27. The second time it was at 1.19, it has not dropped that low in decades.

Rest in Peace, american dollar, it was a rough fight. You just gotta face it, you've lost this battle. We need a new strategy.

and that is...GET MORE MONEY! MUAHAHA!

Total needed for Montreal to date = $8953.04 USD estimated.

My Struggle.

2006-04-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to be blacklisted by your friends. Is my honesty really that off-putting? I wish someone would just tell me and end my misery.

There's a gathering of YWAMers sometime in May, and no one is telling me a thing about it. The sadness. I guess I just won't get to go. I'm not big on party-crashing.

I will, try to make this area a little more positive, yes it has been down, but this is not only a public blog it's what I'm thinking, and that means it's not always put together with kindness and good judgement. It does however mean my mind is as random as you all thought.

Wish you all a happy birthday in may, then. =P

Oz.

2006-04-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Coffee.

I miss you, I dearly truely do. You where my first true love and it seems as if every day before you was just fabricated to make me feel comforted in that I had life without you. Sadly I don't have that great life. I had you, and you were all I ever wanted. Sweet Tempting, yet warm and bold like a rustic wool blanket by the fire with a warm cup of...you.

All my good memories this past year involve you. You were everywhere in my life, you busy mistress you, with me, the koreans, even a kiwi occasionally. You kicked my first love of tea out a window. While horribly unkind, she was comforted by the acceptance of a brit or two down the road.

Now though, I just miss you. Someday when I can have you again, will you be mine?

Sincerely.

- An Overworked Barista.

Purpose for my Life

2006-04-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

Mood music. Makes the world go 'round.

Day Fourty - One (Cont.)

Okay. Feeling alive is good, and while everyone still thinks I'm crazy I like being alone at night running around like the crazyness I can be. It's my release, because some days a lot can happen that will wear you down. I'll get back to what I started before with the whole keep your mouth shut but right now I feel to disperse a theory. Today...was rough. All it took was just one little thing and then the world seemed to fall on me pushing something else down. Those Dreary Domino Days. Truth be told, I have a theory about domino days. Unlike the game I feel they start in the middle of the board and you can go either way, but like the dominos once it's started, you just can't stop it. Now the good thing about domino days is that you they are just that, one day, or many days, but nothing more. You can have the good, but then you have the bad. If I believed in Karma I would mumble something that would be the intellectual equivalent of a room of stoners --- not to diss Karma. I think it's a great example of taking a religious idea and extrem-ifying it.

Think about it. What I know about god, is that things happen for a reason. Now Karma is the idea that everything that happens gets it's just rewards. Materialism in it's raw form really. Buying things. Doing the extra work so you can slack later, now that's just bad business. A tit for tat attitude get no one anywhere and it all comes done to the world's biggest lie. It's all about me. In reality, if life were all about me I would be both bored and bothered. It would be the raw equal of a tv that only played reality tv (and not top chef or next food network star reality tv, the really gritty fluff that comes through and impregnates the airways with it's spawn...can anyone say The Apprentice...MARTHA STEWART EDITION!)

I'll leave a moment of silence for all of you to shudder. Now these days I've learned that...it can still be about you. In that, it may be the only thing you have any control in changing, bringing me back to my first point. How many people have seen the effects of gossip. See, I've somewhat made a friend. Anthony (he's from Gana) and has a pretty good grip on the world---yet he talks a lot. So much in fact it gets in the way of his work a lot. We work at starbucks, which can be the best and worst place to stop and chat. Now I love this guy but he does like to pay attention to people more than work. The past few days all I've heard after he's left is Anthony this, Anthony that, real pure unadulterated hate that will just seep through your pores.

I hate that. I even know hate is a strong word but it doesn't matter this time. I hate that people thrive off of tearing down other people. I hate also that I've done it too. Not to Anthony, but to my boss, because he has serious issues. Issues that really do prevent him from being even an adequate boss (and that's being kind). Yet everyone wants to cry mutiny, but as soon as he comes around the world grows mute.

So. I want to just scream some days. Still, I'm not cool enough to start the revolution. What I can do is keep an eye out for my dude, Anthony from Gana (how can you not like a guy who listens to tribal music on his cellphone to relax?)

In other news.

I'm reading Luke. =D

Stitched Up.

2006-04-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are those days, those moments where whatever you think you should say you should just...not. I hate that moment.

Enter Day Fourty - One

This morning I ran. I woke up at the crack of dawn (quite literally) and I just ran. Tommorrow, even though I froze, I may do it again. Running is something that even though I'm not very good at it, it allows me to feel alive. Heart Racing, breath dying, that thump as your body tries to keep up with you when all you want to do is move. It's a rush, and a kick.

In fact I would quite glady go at it right now.

In fact.

Be Right Back.

Alas, Dreams are things we're made of.

2006-04-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

Day Thirty - Five

See.

Dreams are weird, because I hear about them all the time but I don't have them. Not the pysical ---HELP ME THE THREE-HEADED MONKEY IS EATING MY---OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THAT WAS SO GORRAM REAL! ---kinda dreams. I have the, It would be great to do this, kinda dreams. Now if I could I would fancify this mess with lots of italics, but evil mac of doom lacks the technology to allow me to do such. Darn Safari. I do have the latter. Which is healthy, I suppose. Granted, I wouldn't mind the former. See...now this is just forming word diarhea on the screen.

I do have something relatively important to say though...I am so broken. Mentally and physcially broken. I still haven't sent the application in, because I'm not sure if that's supposed to be. Everything is just, tearing me out, inside, upside-down, and over. It isn't healthy...I know that much. I snap easily right now. For lack of a better word I guess you could say I was a bit too brittle. Like circles on the paper. Round and round, over and over, eventually breaking through, where all your left with is these holes. I feel like swiss-cheese dangit.

If only god would wanted a reuban, I'd be perfect. Grill me oh, might-y grill-smiting-person thing.

So...pray for me. Please? I like chedder better than swiss anyways.

Options create CHAOS.

2006-04-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

I've lost count of the days for this entry. I will go back and redo it, it's probably the most obsessive compulsive thing I've stuck to these days.

Argh.

I should be asleep. It's 11:20, and tommorrow is my physical test. That sounds just like it is, I get to go out to our wellness clinic and they get to test just how healthy I really am. It's part of committing to something and attempting to stay to it the best I can. This case is a really off one. I committed to moving. The real get up and go kind, I committed to get off my arse every day. Heck, I've gotten up at a respectable hour this past week and have been going to bed (for me) very early.

Here's another odd thing I've noticed. I want to know more about cooking...add to that, I want to learn more about cooking from an actual school! Yet, I still don't want to really run or own a restaurant. I just want to make things that good people will come to get, and I'll get that chance to chat and share. I want regulars. I want relationships built through good food and good word. I want to put a heart into what I'm making and show them...heck I can make some pretty gorram good scones. I blame a recent obsession with Food Network. Now for the real kicker...I was looking at schools in Vancouver. WAY out of my price range...for now.

So.

I'm kind of back at one step at a time.

Wouldn't life be easier if there was just a big glaring sign hovering above your head that maybe you couldn't see but every else could. That way if you didn't know what you wanted, maybe somebody else did.

Then I would give them a Pumpkin Apricot Scone.

...AND THE GLOVES ARE OFF!

2006-03-23T21:08:00.000-08:00

Day Thirteen. (Post Three...I really want to try to do this everyday)

Have you ever had the undeniable urge to slug someone. I mean really knock them down.

Now as barbaric as this in fact sounds, I resisted this animalistic instinct today. Instead I prayed for them REALLY hard. That'll teach 'em! Too add to this I would give you all the nitty gritty details but to be honest, they aren't pretty and they make neither party look all that posh.

In other news. I lost my wallet, again...and all it took was one little thing to really set me off. I have been so stressed these past few days. I've decided Satan is a monkey. A small, yet irritatingly high-pitched monkey that flings poo at you whenever you think he's gone all the way. Truth is I went to the doctor this past friday. The Good News is, God found it, after lots of praying and yelling and calling of every school building I went into the day before (we have a large campus with lots of numbers I've found) and someone picked it up, took it to financial aid after my mom and me declared it a good way to show something (what I've been yelling about) and they called me up. Now for the bad news... Funny thing about doctor's, they always sound omnimous even when it may be something innocent. I have... Laryngopharyngeal Reflux Disease. The Best way to describe it is a funtime ulcer---in your throat. So because of this I can't have ANY coffee, chocolate, caffiene, spicy foods, acidic juices, aka...flavor. Right now, though it looks terrible. On top of all of this they stuck a camera down my nose and showed it to me. This is really hard to hear, it explains why I can't really sing all that well at all anymore, but if I don't change the way I live drastically I may never sing again. But because of that I would have to give up things that meant a lot to me as silly as they sound. Coffee is a passion of mine, I really want to have my own coffee shop, I've even been working to perfect my recipes. Cooking is a passion of mine, I love cooking, and I love spice. Now I have to stop all of it, instantly. Adding to all of that apparantly I have funny shaped cartilage in my throat, then they said it's not cancer and nearly gave me an instant heart attack. He doesn't know *what* it is though, which is almost worse. Heck this whole thing is...arg. It's been developing over the past few years so that explains, a lot.

Looking back at it though, it kind of explains a lot of other things too.

Not many of you know this, but I auditioned for a musical theater scholarship at a high-ranked university in southern ohio. It started with a sixteen hour bus ride. It ended with the short letter. This was one of the last times I remember putting all my heart into it, I was up singing and rehearsing for hours driving people around me nuts. In the morning things went fine, but something wasn't right. Then months later...well, you get the idea. Could you imagine how horrible it would be to study music to have it declared a little later you may never get to sing?

It's been really rough for me recently. I'm still trying to find solid information that this'll go away, but right now all I can do is really pray. Pray with conviction, from my heart, with all the passion I can muster. Looking at it though, and reading Layne's post about God having nothing to do with the things he can control. I don't have cancer, but to me this is almost worse, so why should I ever for even one minute believe that God cant' do anything about it? That God has no control? That I'm screwed?

I shall find you monkey, and I'll show you how a real man flings poo.

Movie of the Day - (Sad Movie) 새드무비-I have a new favorite foreign film. This is to me the "Love Actually" of Korea! It has great stories, and strong characters that really show you well...a sad movie. It makes you care about these characters, first by showing us their strengths and their ultimate weaknesses. It's especially touching to me though because of the fact that it shows people change. I rememeber at one point I was just trying to will the movie into another direction but it just wouldn't be that easy. It was stubborn, but true. Will, I think you would really like this, even if it did prove your theory about Korean Women in film.

Swords Up.

2006-03-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

Day Two -

Part One - Entering the Dragons Lair.

Today was interesting, I woke up a mess after what was a particularily long day yesterday and found I needed to go to the doctor. Now to most people you see this as a sign you are sick and therefore you will improve.

For me --- well let's just say that my doctor is about as helpful as sitting on a bed of nails. In all honesty I'm not even sure she tries anymore. So I went, finally she did something, something totally out of character...she recommended I see someone else! Finally! Well it's an ear, nose, and throat specialist so maybe someday soon my voice will be back up to par. It looks like the archaic practice of tonsil removing shall be revived.

Part Two - Out of the Running.

God frustrates me. There is no better way to put it than that, it seems like everytime I find something I think I could do he just slams the door on my foot. Of course though, god's door isn't a measly little plywood compound---it's steel and if something gets caught in it, it shuts regardless. Man, does my foot hurt. I went to follow-up on the two applications for starbucks again (already working at one location but a liscense store and being well experienced with a variety of machinery...an obsession I must say.) I figured It wouldn't be all that hard, heck they were evening hiring! Today I found out my availability sucks. Considering I have class, but put down every spare hour, more hours than when I worked at every other job...more hours than what most of the people who work there have available---they want me to be more free with my hours.

Shizam. My poor poor foot.

Other than being out of the running for the job, one good thing happened. Valerie, in charge of financial aid was great and so nice to me, but then she did a little extra. Even though I am lazy and an arse, she went ahead and posted deferment notices to my sharks. Giving me at least a year where I won't have to worry about loans. *w00t*

So I end today's entry with daily recommendations:

Today's Movie - Crash - I would never recommend owning this, it's almost as hard to watch as Passion of the Christ for it's "NO DON'T!" yell at the screen factor, but if you get into it, there are parts that just touch your soul and they outweigh the rest of the movie by far. This movie was the only movie I have ever in my life walked out of, but something told me to give it another chance. It was worth the second viewing, please make it to the end. I watched this because of Jessi Oates or Jamie (Someone said it was their favorite movie at the begining of the school), because I couldn't figure out why either of you liked this movie so much. But I knew at the exact moment, it was all about little angels. I miss Vancouver.

Today's Artist - Mindy Smith - I actually discovered this artist hovering around itunes looking up the afters, she was in the band's recommendations so I hunted her album down. She was worth the work finding. Her etherial voice is well balanced by good strumming, and great lyrics. If you were to compare her to anyone I would say...Norah Jones meets Jennifer Knapp. I'm still waiting for both of their new albums, eventually, but in the meantime she is a balanced and talented artist to relax to.

P.S. - I miss Vancouver.

A Mental Note.

2006-03-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

Day One - Mass Recovery.

If you were to simply write, just sit down and write whatever you felt you were supposed to write. Speak your heart, say your piece. Now I have to ask to that, would it be true? or Would it be mindless? Of course...The real question of the matter is would you know what you were trying to say.

Do you really have a point, is what I'm asking.

Yes.

So...This goes out as a warning to anyone who reads this.

This is what I'm thinking, this is my point.