Minature Disasters

Crashing into someone else is the most indescribable feeling in the entire world...and I've had it happen, what? Three times now? When it happens, as you run right into the other person...and you hear the metals crashing, breaks screeching, everything stopping at that very second. Then for just a small second, the world stops. When it starts again your mind is going faster than your car before it happened, your brain is plotting out your next move, you cry, you go nuts, and then you stop again.

Wait.

...and then it's right back in there with the clearest head you can imagine. You have a course of action, you have a plan, a story, and a split second of the truth all rushing through. It wasn't until I was in the Police car that I couldn't help but hold back the laughter. All these minature disasters, you'd think they'd be the death of me. Too bad when they really come after me, it's like they wake up the fire. I have a plan, and that plan is to not make plans. It's to have ideas, pursue all of them, and hold onto the one that gives. I---for the third time in two years of having my liscense, have totaled my car---and I am more than fine. I'm alive.

My work was praying for me, my family was praying for me, and who says prayer doesn't work.

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

Good God Jesus, if you need my attention God all you had to do is ask. I took my first step backwards today, both literally and figuratively. I talked to my pastor today, finally. I told her my story; it wasn't perfect but the world kept turning. Afterwords I had some time to myself, I watched a great movie about changing things while you still can. It's a horribly cheesy movie with lots of bad eighties moments but the chick is hot and it makes me smile. It reminded me of a few things; to remember I loved running. that amazing feeling of not being able to catch your breath, knowing god is there holding you up by your strings.

The verse is from a crazy little Korean, I danced in the darken streets today just a few minutes ago. Crazy things we do when we're doing better.

EDIT: I actually did have the accident on wednesday morning, I just wasn't sure how to write it without sounding all angst-child. =P

No More Keeping My Feet on the Ground

There is an odd process and ritual to the way I do things. When I write a blog, I always find one song first to suit the entry. When I watch a movie, I always get the chocolate, then the popcorn, then the drink...in that order. We are creatures of habit are we not? So do when we do bad things is it out of habit, out of ritual?

So I thought today I'd change things up.

Today is a challenge, to force yourself not to do something you know you shouldn't do. Today is the challenge to stop keeping your feet on the ground.

Maybe it's just the time to stop ordering that grande 2% carmel macciato, doubleshot, heavy on the carmel or something random like that. Maybe today, you won't be late. Maybe today you'll make breakfast instead of leaving it up to the deep freeze at your local place where the caffiene resides. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something new about yourself.

Maybe today. Hell, why not today? Right?

The View From the Afternoon.

NOTE: At one point when I was mulling over what to say in this post, I initially had a lot to say...but I decided it against that same post I had originally thought.

So here's the revised version of my thoughts!

The past week I spent a good amount of time wandering about Akron. When you live so close to it but never actually take a time out to look at it, you would forget this place is still essentially a city. Full-fledged baby city, complete with homeless people and a good healthy amount of broken businesses and equally broken buildings. I took this time out because I wanted to see if there was something worth investing in this city. Is it worth my time and effort. On that front I haven't decided, but I did decide to explore it further. Specifically I am exploring our Ethnic Offerings.

Now anywhere in Akron you can find a cheap Chinese takeout place, that much is true, but what about the other Asian offerings. I was determined so to speak. In my exploration though I headed off slightly north, where I find the ONLY Korean restaurant south of Cleveland and North of Columbus...it makes me sad. You just can't find the good Kimchee I require for sustenance. Speaking of which I've been contemplating buying a giant jar for a while now to last me a bit. I saw it at walmart and nearly passed out. I remember seeing it and just standing there staring for a good ten minutes, scaring small children in the process. I mean I can't find it at a lot of Asian food stores here and then I go to Wall-mart of all places. Twisted Reality, man. If you care very little about food I have formated this differently so you can skip down to the rest of the entry.

Seoule Garden - As the only Korean Food Source within an hour of Campus, this one very small and slightly out of the way establishment is known to every Korean International Student on Campus (one of the ways I found this out) and resides in the Under tapped Ethnic Resources of Cuyahoga Falls. When you enter you hear what can only be known as the fluffiest music in the world and are visually attacked by the contrasting bright stickers serving to brgin the only real color to a very dull interior all the while advertising various dishes in Korean and English. Prices are as can be expected from a minority in ethnic food, but from what I've seen will get you a lot either way.

Initially I didn't have the most positive reaction to this place. I had visited it a first time ordering a lunch special (which was fine, but rather minimal) and was treated to sitting in a very empty room with a very lonely Korean man lacking true English skills. The second visit (which is usually where the cracks are seen more visibly when visiting a restaurant) was actually what made this a good place to visit. There were people there! *gasp*ed! I was shocked but not really, and you could tell the owners where in an infinitely better mood. This time around though I strayed away from easy for American fare and delved into the more traditional bits.

WARNING...VERY FOOD CRITIC-ish FROM HERE ON.

I was ordering for two but was still shocked at the amount of food. I had ordered relatively basic dishes, one of which came with sides (five kinds of kimchee!) for two people. The first dish---Bibim bahp or Mixed Rice Dish---consisted of a base of rice and a generous heaping amount of hot pepper paste (the Korean ketchup, yay for spiciness) and topped with a melody of bahnchans (prepared veggies and sometimes meat and tofu, in this one meat) all of this is topped with either a large fried egg or an egg that is scrambled, cooked paper thing and julienned. Personally I require the Fried Egg because it's the mixed yolk that really gives this dish it's signature texture.

I felt with this dish you could see that the cooks, two very straight-faced korean women ( I think mother and daughter) really put a lot of work to make use of what's available in the Ohio area. The banchans were well seasoned and each added a new depth of flavor. Most you would expect (Zucchini, Carrots, Soybean Sprouts, mushrooms, kimchee, and others I don't remember) but there was also a twiggy looking brown thing (which was surprisingly good) that I haven't seen in this dish before. Apparently this root only grows in Korea and is usually picked by wandering old ladies on their daily walks to use in everyday food, in America's case it is dried and shipped. This reconstituted root had some tooth and fibrous texture to it, and I felt it helped give an unsually earthy (yet still pleasant) undertone to the whole dish. As a whole when I ordered this it was like I was no longer the annoying American and the owner seemed to perk up. Flavor was magnificent, if I haven't mentioned that, especially the fried egg which was heavenly fried with added sesame.

The second dish was Tak Bulgogki (Chicken!) and came with sides which are typical when ordering in at restaurants. In this case I had asked for extra kimchee the owner promptly gave me a good amount of every kimchee offering he had available (radish, something else rooty, cucumber ---also called Oi, traditional, and I think...onion) as well as a fish-flavored tempeh (texurized soy protein). After much debate I decided I like the Radish Kimchee and it's sweet flavor. As for the dish, seasoned and barbecued chicken with extra peppers and spices in an almost barbecue sauce wasn't as sweet as I'm use to, but that may be due to a fact I've eaten dumbed down Korean when it came to Bulgogki. It was flavorful, yet not too much, still though it was worth the higher cost and very filling (enough for two easy) I could see myself eating this again.

The overall experience was a very positive one, with a more warm reaction and the chance to watch those crazy koreans interact in such an animated matter while they eat, I would do this again. It's amazing how it seems all Koreans need to feel at home is food and a good conversation, just watching them alone was worth the cultural experience. Just stay away from the lunch specials.

Total Price for Two (and my dinner as well) = $17.83

Seoul Garden Korean Restaurant

2559 State Rd
Cuyahoga Falls, OH 44223
(330) 929-9971

Oh dear god I think I just reviewed a restaurant...there is no hope for me. I had another review, but I think I'll save that for later and get back to life. I've been wandering about a bit really, religiously and I promise that isn't as bad as it sounds. It means, in short that I have been re-evaluated what I knew about God and the bible. I found I was annoyed at a recording simply because I disagreed with the fact that he put so much faith in the bible as word...yes I did just say that. I was shocked with myself. "What the hell was I thinking?" was the phrase of the day after that. No worries, it was a temporary lack in judgement and I'm trying to remedy this by reading more of the word. Again I am attempting to work my way through Luke, albeit slowly, but surely.

I'm still thinking about doing a DTS, but was wondering what it would be like to go to a truly different country. One where I would never have to cook, but the food would always be different. On top of that I have found one of the nicest Korean food stores in Ohio, which was both well-stocked and well maintained by a very nice man. A nice man who is introducing me to what can only be worded as a Korean Language School (which I am still hunting for in Akron, he gave me directions but I need to ask again) and I think it's something I want to do. I've wanted to learn another language for a while, and I know this may be it. Pray for me with this, please?

I think sometimes when you have so much to do and so much on your mind you forget to really tell about the dulldrum every day things. Such as...I like my job (starbucks) . Despite the fact I work for the man, I am very well taken care of at work. I hope that I start getting longer hours and more hours training with advanced training because I just don't want to sit around. Sometimes I seem a bit too determined but after having six jobs in two years when you sit down and work you don't stand for holdrum standards of life.

For those who don't know, I am in one class, and it's a doozy. Anatomical Life Drawing, where lots of flesh is not to be seen is seen in full view. I thought this class would be so hard but when you just sit down and draw it like anything else you start to really enjoy it. It's so much more than drawing still life, because you get to search for things in the model. I wonder, what's her story, where does her emotions lie, is she cold? I've done some surprisingly good drawings too, and almost wish I could do more...and that can't be a bad thing when it comes to art, now is it. Yes I am drawing FULL LIVE NUDES (wonder if those will get my some search engine hits) but they are just people in their rawest form. Nothing hidden, nothing sacred.

All in all, I'm in a better attitude than I've been in. I'm a little frazzled because Christmas isn't far away, and a year ago last christmas I was coming home as a failure. I will have been home a year and not gone very far or even where I thought I would go. I hope though, that maybe I can enjoy this coming year just a little bit more.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." - Deutoronomy 7:9

Edit: No Word of the day, it was going to be Existential, but everytime I tried to post it HTML errors would appear

Throw Me a Rope

I owe a post. I also owe my apologies to the world of bloggers for treating the blogosphere as if they were my own personal audience. Truth be told a lot of what I write is just mental diahrehea. When you least expect is you just have to put it somewhere.

So I wasn't accepted into a school. It's been done before, it's all happened and I've been through that. I've dealt with rejection all of my life. So why the heck was it harder this time? Well, truth be told it wasn't rejection. It was oddly an acknowledgment of understanding. See the director has spoken with Randy before about me, and with Mark. The school did above and beyond an outstanding job of respecting my individual case. In the letter, which I won't post here, but if anyone wanted to see it just ask me ( It's just a letter like any other) They told me that It wasn't the right school for me. I could go the route of saying---"Well how the heck do you know what school is right for me, huh...punk!"---but really that wouldn't be realistic an it would have a simple answer. They don't know what school is right for me, they just know they aren't it. They understand what they as a school need to really make the school successful and build people up into missions, and they want to do that through missions---head first style, and to respect what they know and trust is all I can do.

I wanted to go to Montreal so much. What I want, unfortunately isn't always for the best. People don't know what they want, they rarely know what they think they need.

I was people watching today. Because...well I had nothing better to do, and well, I like people. Now the funny thing about people watching is you usually do your best when you least realize it. You notice things about people, and the way they interact. For example, I bought running shoes today---finally. I've been in the store before but I never seen this particular salesmen before, he was an oddball really. He comes up to me and right away I notice he has this accent...I just couldn't place it. He continues to talk, and chat. He knows a lot about shoes. In fact I'd go as far as to say he truly respects shoes as much as people. I had come in thinking I knew what I wanted and he got me something else. Usually this is just the sign of a good sell, but I felt like I could trust the guy. He was training today, and when you're watching people interact with new people it becomes a real show. Mate (his name...which I forgot but later added in here =D) had this amazing ability to adapt to people. He would speak with someone for a minute and then he would just sort of know how to tell them something. Everyone was different. All the while my curiosity with accents was kicking me to ask. Eventually I did. He was from Hungary! I shouldn't exclaim that but that was the last place I expected.

Foreign People make my day.

Later I had stopped by Borders to say hello to Melissa (old friend who is old but not really) and decided to sit an try and finish my tea passport for starbucks in one sitting. I was determined, but was distracted by the wandering children in the store. See there was something off about this one very vocal little girl, she was wondering around as if the store was her castle. I was waiting for her to declare my kingdom for a scone, when I realized she was from the united kingdom. She reminded me so much of Lola from "Charlie and Lola" that it was just uncanny.

Again I say, foreign people make my day. Especially when they are five and they have the confidence of a hardened war general.

EDIT: Just a note, I actually try to write her quite often...but I don't publish all of them. Some I just write as mental notes and such which would read something like.

"You must wake up early tommorrow and write letters, finish the draft for the artist pages, bake scones, be abducted by aliens, etc."

Others I save until I can go back and finish them and sort of tone them down a bit. Like Today's Blog (Posted September 5, 2006 ---hey what can I say it's been busy.


Word of the Moment!

Viscous vis·cous (vĭs'kəs)
adj.

1. Having relatively high resistance to flow.
2. Viscid; sticky.

[Middle English, from Old French, from Late Latin viscōsus. See viscose.]

viscously vis'cous·ly adv.
viscousness vis'cous·ness n.

Everybody is Someone

I was as of today officially not accepted into the Montreal Urban Cultures Discipleship Training School. I'll make another post later with what I think on this, but I'm not quite sure of that at the moment.

...I'm okay so far though. Just to make this a little less than not cheery, I give you the word of the moment.

corroborate \kuh-ROB-uh-rayt\, transitive verb:
To strengthen or make more certain with other evidence.

Whenever I can, I interview family and friends extensively both to corroborate the history given me by the defendant and to gain insight into his behavior and personality.
-- Barbara R. Kirwin, Ph.D., The Mad, the Bad, and the Innocent: The Criminal Mind on Trial

He said that when the jurors confronted discrepancies in any of the prosecution witnesses' descriptions, they used the testimony of other prosecution witnesses to corroborate the chronology.
-- "Most Jurors Thought Schwarz Aided Attack, Foreman Says", New York Times, August 2, 2002

As we have no public notoriety, no concurrent testimony, no records to support and corroborate what we deliver, it becomes us to keep within the limits not only of possibility, but of probability too.
-- Henry Fielding, The History of Tom Jones

Joggin' Gorgeous Summer

I held it in my hand. On the cover page there was a stain, and on others --- the marks of a long day's coffee. It consisted of only a few pages, but I held off for so long. It's light and simple, and just looking at it you wouldn't know it had the most intricate and intimate details of my life tucked neatly inside of it's tattered stocked pages. I was scared really, of trying again. Here I sit with my happy tripped out music (The Islands) and think that maybe, just maybe everything will work out in the end. Either that or I just had too much Raspberry Fudge Swirl. Either way, it's on it's way now and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

...and now for the grand word of the day!

surreptitious \suhr-uhp-TISH-uhs; suh-rep-\, adjective:
1. Done, made, or gotten by stealth.
2. Acting with or marked by stealth.

The monitoring is not surreptitious; on the contrary, the defendant and his or her attorney are required to be given notice of the government's listening activities.
-- John Ashcroft, "National Security; Prevention of Acts of Violence and Terrorism", Federal Register 66, no. 211, October 26, 2001

While men's appetites are driven by availability, women's are often driven by cravings. A dab of chocolate here, a pinch of sugar there, and some surreptitious
-- Wendy Hubbert, "The skinny on male/female dieting", Redbook, October 1, 2001 midnight Dairy Queen runs lurk behind a woman's oh-so-virtuous bran breakfast, salad lunch, and grilled fish dinner.

Now she made a surreptitious glance toward the doorway into the hall.
-- Naeem Murr, The Boy

Blueberry Boat.

...and today's word of the day is: Scuttlebutt

The nautical term Scuttlebutt originally (and still) means a water fountain or water cask on a ship. However, it is now more commonly used as slang for "information" or "gossip".

The cask of drinking water on ships was called a scuttlebutt and since Sailors exchanged gossip when they gathered at the scuttlebutt for a drink of water, scuttlebutt became U.S. Navy slang for gossip or rumors. A butt was a wooden cask which held water or other liquids; to scuttle is to drill a hole, as for tapping a cask.

How's that for the real "scuttlebutt" of the world, eh? Yeah...Off to the post to do important post-y type things!

Oh, and I have a job.

I miss you.

It's been really hard to get started this week. As some of you know, monday I had to say goodbye to a dear friend. My cat Max. We weren't exactly sure how old he was becuase we adopted him from the street, his estimated age is somewhere between thirteen to seventeen years of age (which is quite long for cats I suppose). This is the same cat who no matter how you treated him just wanted loved. I loved that about him, he just didn't care, but thrived when people gave him the time of day.

On his last day...Max had multiple tumors in his system. Three that we knew of, in his gums face and stomach. He had his eye removed earlier and it caused him to go blind in his other eye, we believe with one eye removed it just released cancer into his system. After he went blind, the first few nights he came home he just made this sad sound. It was like he was asking where everyone is, and it got more deperate and frantic, until someone would pick him up. We should have let him go at that moment, but we loved this cat too much. On his final day, you knew he was ready. He just lie there on the counter.

We buried him in between all of the rain on monday...and I truly miss him. I have a lot more to talk about, but I'll save that for another time alright? This blog is now again officially active, as I had to return my computer, with reasons to come soon.

The Festival was amazing...

Until I came home. =P Honestly.

I will have a big update soon, I've been at my sisters too so this is my first day officially back. Today, was a much longer day than it had to be for me.

Let's try again tommorrow shall we?

Stupid Monkeys.

OKAY.

I am a bit irritated, mind you that isn't anything new, but I would really like to have my computer back and working because I really wanna play around with the layout for this more.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

I'm doing something next week, well it's not final, but it's something. I'll be volunteering at the local christian music festival...ALIVE. Riveting title eh, well their site ( www.alive.org ) has all the info, and three of my favorite christian bands are playing (David Crowder, The Afters, and Sanctus Real) and, well I dunno it's chance to be with people who won't hate me or look down on me because I'm christian. It's a chance to be in just a step above my normal everyday spectrum of unusual people. I've been feeling off I think for the reason that I have little interaction with churches at the moment or christians of any sort. Except for Choir Practice and Sunday, I rarely do anything christianish and I miss that

...and I made biscotti! They turned out great. =D That and I decided to just keep both of the blogs in this account for now.

Oddly enough "Dead Like Me" makes me smile these days. I think for a show that has so much heaped in profanity it actually tries to look and do something others dare not touch. Plus it does it with a good jab to your side to make you laugh at something that normally brings tears. I respect that about it.

A Death and a Closing.

In all honesty I know I have issues. What I will be doing soon though is closing this blog, and starting not one but two new ones. The first one will be a new personal blog, but with a commitment to being more positive. It will also be the focus of missions work, as I'm about to start in a slurry of support raising for a new school or whatever I will be doing with my life.

The second I was testing, and will start later is devoted to...FOOD. Someone wanted me to start doing full reviews of CD's again as well, so I may throw a few in there with a lot more in depth notes as opposed to the short blurbs I have every now and then.=D

Yes I am in fact starting a food blog, my addiction to cooking has grown since I've been home and I've been on a bent to learn everything I can. So, like many others before me I shall devote a blog to food and such.

...and a final sad note. As of May 22, 2006 Kaylee has passed away from stress and brain activity. Soon, she will have a replacement, and no...it won't be the same. It will never be the same, but I hope her follow-up will at least have the heart that Kaylee had as she just tried too hard to do everything I ask.

For this I say, Good day and God Bless.

Now I must go reboot my life, I believe it locked up on me.

See I can smile sometimes...

Hi.

This Picture is actually from my new love. Her name is Kaylee. She came in from China Yesterday. She take's pretty good pictures, eh?

Man this makes me miss Photoshop though, I'm going to trade in my windows copy tommorrow.

Funny Thing about Memories.

In all honesty, memories are my downfall. They are the controller to my emotions. They determine how I react, how I think, and how I know when something is right. When I can turn them off though, rare as that may be, I can truly be at peace. Right now, I'm at peace. I have no job, I have just enough money to get by. I am wearing a three dollar shirt from savers (a mexico soccer shirt #89) and above all of it I feel great.

Funny, eh? I've missed people, honest to god, just missed people. Oh, the angst. Anyways. These past few days have been productive, yet good. On Sunday, I had one of the longest drives of my life by myself. I also tried to learn some French. I think I could hold a very short confusing conversation (by myself) now, although it would be impossible with regular french speakers (So fast!). The day after me and Adam Roadtripped it up to Mines-o-ta. Where we are now shacking it up with Laura and Her Peeps.

Then on Tuesday, a long day might I add...we ate more than any two men should actually have to eat. It started with breakfast. Simple as it may be, I ate at about 8:00, then ate some more toast when Laura and Adam got up at around 11:00 (which they are still not up as I type this might I add. Lazy Arse...) We started our interesting and adventurous day. First up, Canoeing! We explored her lake, then her little mini-river where she showed us her fort that she used to hide in when she was a kid with a rifle and shoot unspecting runners in the feet. Twisted, but I guess everyone has their own personal kicks. Then we rowed back, where we tempted fate by suggesting it would be interesting to dump the boat over (thank god we didn't). Then...to the zoo! Which was fully entertaining, especially considering it was a very lame zoo in which the most interesting item of the zoo was the one giraffe who had an infactuation with the concrete wall. He brought a new art to crazy licking. Then he ramped it up a notch as if to show it off more. Followed by the zoo (which Laura secretly despised because she worked at the dipping dot's booth for one day next to a dead bird) we had...meal #3. Now I knew we would have to eat when we went home, because I was up when Laura's mom was prepping Japanese style fried chicken, but it didn't stop us from going to buffalo wild wings (affectionately known as b-dubs) where I had the fast food equivalent of what we would have for dinner later (asian zing, a very kick-arse flavor might I add).

Post this adventure it was a journey back to the house, where chilling and guitar-playing was done. Followed by an invite to bible study with Jessa (and what we found out was meal # 4). Me and Adam---and Laura until she tried to run me over with a van---played a rambunctous game of basketball. Apparantly you aren't supposed to rocket the ball into the woods past the hoop with my amazing shots of gravity-defying klutziness. Go figure. I met Laura's younger brother (the invisible teenager) for about three seconds where he then dissappeared. Off to our next adventure with Laura off to work. The bible study. DUM DUM DUM! We were told there was just snacks. JUST SNACKS. Instead we had Italian-sausage stuffed baby portobello's with Hot Deigo's (an italian open faced burger) followed by fruit and all the (deliciously fresh) swedish fish we could muster. We also had worship, and despite the fact I can't really sing...I really enjoyed it. Good worship doesn't happen that often anymore for me. THEN. We went to visit Laura at her work, for Chai Tea Lattes and ice cream samples (an in between snack before the battle of meal # 5). Off we go, and there she is ready to heat it up for us, Laura's sweetheart of a mom, how could we deny. We tackled it like champs. I actually prayed over the food silently that my stomach wouldn't turn on me. It was really good too. Following it all after Laura returned---with our two favorite ice cream flavors in pints.

Churning of the stomach has a new meaning now. Yet it was all so good, even though I never in my life want to eat that much again.

Artist of the Day - Sam "Leslie" Phillips - I'm finally getting back to these things. Today's Artist or this blog's artist as I may update later, is Sam Phillips. Known for her work on Gilmore Girl's as well as various movies Sam or Leslie Phillips started her career as a christian pop singer. Now sadly, she did fall away from that, but by being burned by label complications. She did however change and fall into a very relaxed folk style. Her husky voice is a beautiful companion to her varied use of instruments (mostly acoustic) melodic driven lyrics, and sweet reflections on the world.

Suggest Albums - "A boot and a shoe" and "Fan Dance"

WOO HOO~

Soon the canadian dollar will be worth more than the US, we have hit 1.10! Unfortunately I finally found a use for that student Mastercard I got ages ago.

Soon you will all meet my new love. =D

Bad Day

A moment of silence.

the current USA to Canada exchange rate is one american dollar for every 1.12 with no signs of increase. When I was in toronto it was at 1.43. When I was in vancouver it was at 1.27. The second time it was at 1.19, it has not dropped that low in decades.

Rest in Peace, american dollar, it was a rough fight. You just gotta face it, you've lost this battle. We need a new strategy.

and that is...GET MORE MONEY! MUAHAHA!

Total needed for Montreal to date = $8953.04 USD estimated.

My Struggle.

Is it possible to be blacklisted by your friends. Is my honesty really that off-putting? I wish someone would just tell me and end my misery.

There's a gathering of YWAMers sometime in May, and no one is telling me a thing about it. The sadness. I guess I just won't get to go. I'm not big on party-crashing.

I will, try to make this area a little more positive, yes it has been down, but this is not only a public blog it's what I'm thinking, and that means it's not always put together with kindness and good judgement. It does however mean my mind is as random as you all thought.

Wish you all a happy birthday in may, then. =P

Oz.

Dear Coffee.

I miss you, I dearly truely do. You where my first true love and it seems as if every day before you was just fabricated to make me feel comforted in that I had life without you. Sadly I don't have that great life. I had you, and you were all I ever wanted. Sweet Tempting, yet warm and bold like a rustic wool blanket by the fire with a warm cup of...you.

All my good memories this past year involve you. You were everywhere in my life, you busy mistress you, with me, the koreans, even a kiwi occasionally. You kicked my first love of tea out a window. While horribly unkind, she was comforted by the acceptance of a brit or two down the road.

Now though, I just miss you. Someday when I can have you again, will you be mine?

Sincerely.

- An Overworked Barista.

Purpose for my Life

Mood music. Makes the world go 'round.

Day Fourty - One (Cont.)

Okay. Feeling alive is good, and while everyone still thinks I'm crazy I like being alone at night running around like the crazyness I can be. It's my release, because some days a lot can happen that will wear you down. I'll get back to what I started before with the whole keep your mouth shut but right now I feel to disperse a theory. Today...was rough. All it took was just one little thing and then the world seemed to fall on me pushing something else down. Those Dreary Domino Days. Truth be told, I have a theory about domino days. Unlike the game I feel they start in the middle of the board and you can go either way, but like the dominos once it's started, you just can't stop it. Now the good thing about domino days is that you they are just that, one day, or many days, but nothing more. You can have the good, but then you have the bad. If I believed in Karma I would mumble something that would be the intellectual equivalent of a room of stoners --- not to diss Karma. I think it's a great example of taking a religious idea and extrem-ifying it.

Think about it. What I know about god, is that things happen for a reason. Now Karma is the idea that everything that happens gets it's just rewards. Materialism in it's raw form really. Buying things. Doing the extra work so you can slack later, now that's just bad business. A tit for tat attitude get no one anywhere and it all comes done to the world's biggest lie. It's all about me. In reality, if life were all about me I would be both bored and bothered. It would be the raw equal of a tv that only played reality tv (and not top chef or next food network star reality tv, the really gritty fluff that comes through and impregnates the airways with it's spawn...can anyone say The Apprentice...MARTHA STEWART EDITION!)

I'll leave a moment of silence for all of you to shudder. Now these days I've learned that...it can still be about you. In that, it may be the only thing you have any control in changing, bringing me back to my first point. How many people have seen the effects of gossip. See, I've somewhat made a friend. Anthony (he's from Gana) and has a pretty good grip on the world---yet he talks a lot. So much in fact it gets in the way of his work a lot. We work at starbucks, which can be the best and worst place to stop and chat. Now I love this guy but he does like to pay attention to people more than work. The past few days all I've heard after he's left is Anthony this, Anthony that, real pure unadulterated hate that will just seep through your pores.

I hate that. I even know hate is a strong word but it doesn't matter this time. I hate that people thrive off of tearing down other people. I hate also that I've done it too. Not to Anthony, but to my boss, because he has serious issues. Issues that really do prevent him from being even an adequate boss (and that's being kind). Yet everyone wants to cry mutiny, but as soon as he comes around the world grows mute.

So. I want to just scream some days. Still, I'm not cool enough to start the revolution. What I can do is keep an eye out for my dude, Anthony from Gana (how can you not like a guy who listens to tribal music on his cellphone to relax?)

In other news.

I'm reading Luke. =D

Stitched Up.

Sometimes there are those days, those moments where whatever you think you should say you should just...not. I hate that moment.

Enter Day Fourty - One

This morning I ran. I woke up at the crack of dawn (quite literally) and I just ran. Tommorrow, even though I froze, I may do it again. Running is something that even though I'm not very good at it, it allows me to feel alive. Heart Racing, breath dying, that thump as your body tries to keep up with you when all you want to do is move. It's a rush, and a kick.

In fact I would quite glady go at it right now.

In fact.

Be Right Back.

Alas, Dreams are things we're made of.

Day Thirty - Five

See.

Dreams are weird, because I hear about them all the time but I don't have them. Not the pysical ---HELP ME THE THREE-HEADED MONKEY IS EATING MY---OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THAT WAS SO GORRAM REAL! ---kinda dreams. I have the, It would be great to do this, kinda dreams. Now if I could I would fancify this mess with lots of italics, but evil mac of doom lacks the technology to allow me to do such. Darn Safari. I do have the latter. Which is healthy, I suppose. Granted, I wouldn't mind the former. See...now this is just forming word diarhea on the screen.

I do have something relatively important to say though...I am so broken. Mentally and physcially broken. I still haven't sent the application in, because I'm not sure if that's supposed to be. Everything is just, tearing me out, inside, upside-down, and over. It isn't healthy...I know that much. I snap easily right now. For lack of a better word I guess you could say I was a bit too brittle. Like circles on the paper. Round and round, over and over, eventually breaking through, where all your left with is these holes. I feel like swiss-cheese dangit.

If only god would wanted a reuban, I'd be perfect. Grill me oh, might-y grill-smiting-person thing.

So...pray for me. Please? I like chedder better than swiss anyways.