One Step.

Now what?

Is the most hated question to ever grace my ears. Upon hearing it I am instantly sent into a tizzy of squirms and fits. Now most of these are internal but if you were to look closely, you may just see me twitch.

Now what, though?"

For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. 13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. 14 I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. 15 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. 16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

Ezekial 34: 11-16

"If there is one thing that I know is true", is that he will love me as he always does whatever happens, but is it wrong for that not to be enough right now, right at this moment? I am more stressed than I remember being stressed in a long time.

The truth is I need prayer. Not just normal prayer, atomic super duper prayer. Tomorrow, I have to present to my church a proposition. I have to go in front, where I hate to go, and tell them I am called to missions whatever the heck that means, and pull out all bells and whistles so they know I am not one of the crazy ones.

But really...I am one of the crazy ones!

I have been know to stare at people freakishly, analyzing them--- imagining their stories as they go about life. I have a ridiculous passion for food, and an ambitious approach to trying everything I can in my life, learning through food the traditions and history of a culture. I hate people---yet I love people more than anything and would have my heart broken on a daily basis when I lived in Vancouver. I am mean! It's true, abusive almost, explosively...but only out of frustration at god.

Frustration at god that I know above all now is the time to go back. Now is the time to approach everything I have been running from or trying to internalize and make it a me and god thing, when really I need to make it more real, more tangible. Frustrated with god about my finances, when he could easily just give me all the money I need.

So what do I need...first, I need prayer.

I need a lot still, a little over a third. Around Two thousand dollars, but that is budgeting no money for spending money (something I would like but not a big problem). I also need supporters who can commit to helping me pay my school loan interest payments monthly. I need supporters who can commit to praying for me. I need support to help pay for health care and insurance. I need supporters who can pray for my mental stability as being stretched like this is driving me crazy...yet driving me somewhere at least. I need a backpack still for outreach. I need the support of my friends, yes you non-christian crazies whom I love so much.

I need people to have my back so I won't fall so hard when I do fall.

Most of all I need to do this.

Sending a Prayer: Gordy Guiboche

This man is Gordy.

Gordy is a crazy guy who roots for the Calgary Flames, he comes from a troubled background (if you want the details ask him, he can give you a real honest story) but has moved on with god in his heart to create what those on the drive affectionately call chili wagon.

He has a heart for the drive, formally known as Commercial Drive in Vancouver B.C., so every Tuesday...and I mean every Tuesday, Gordy makes a gianganormous pot of chili and serves it to everyone he can. He serves and he commutes all out of the goodness of his heart. Recently though the Chili Wagon has come under fire. Critically some are saying it attracts the wrong kind of crowd---the homeless and damage of Vancouver. But these are the people gordy wants to reach, the people he used to be and wants to help move from the purgatory of homelessness to a real life, a real job, a real relationship with Christ.

But now they are after him. Attacking his integrity, his heart, his family. There's even a smear campaign all over the drive boycotting chili wagon.

Pray for this man, his heart, his ministry, and for hope that he can keep going.

12Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. 13But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known ⁾the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;

2 Timothy 3:12-16 (NASB)