Food for those who don't like food.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Honesty is a policy...


You've been warned. I don't want however reads this to think that I am this deeply depressed person, but I need an outlet again. Something. So here's a piece of it all.

A lot has happened. I have changed, my life has changed. I have seen things that I will never forget, even if I try. I have seen things that I will not forget, because I can't let myself. You know, the other day I was just fighting it out with my mom. Shouting and fighting because I didn't know what to do. These past few months have been harder on me than I could ever imagine. I have gone from extreme to extreme, and no one would be expected to remain healthy under that strain.

I was shouting, and fighting...because I did not know what to do, or if I could even do anything. Because it feels like every time I come home, or every time I leave I am on my own. It feels like I am left behind and forgotten and that is something damn hard to deal with. I try to stay in contact with people, but it seems like it is all too little too late. I have had so many restarts, do overs, second chances, and I have burned so many people in my destructive path. I should be in therapy, some sort of therapy somewhere with someone, but more importantly I should be going back to god on this. Instead I'm here. I'm writing it out just to make it that much more tangible, so it exists somewhere outside of my inner turmoil. Which there is a lot of, I'll have you know. I have serious issues, that when I bring up stop people in their tracks. People worry that I will continue to break beyond repair. People worry about me. Now that is just unexpected. I have things that I am just going to have to deal with head on, I have people. These people want to see me stay changed. They don't want me to regress into a hole. I have a savior, and he is watching out for me.

I took this picture in Vancouver. It's a simple self explanatory picture, and probably one of my favorites. Fire, is one thing that forces change. It burns and manipulates whatever it touches until it is otherwise unrecognizable. Instant change. You can't hide what it does either. A lot of times you have to start over after a fire. It does what so many of us want to do, but can't find the will---all without a second thought. Sometimes though things just have to change, we don't want change, we don't think we can handle change but life moves on with or without us. Life burns us, saves us, helps us. So here I am, changing, being changed and I would like to share my changed life just a little more.

1 comment:

grey squirrel said...

Hey. Just wanted you to know I was here. Miss our chats. Take care.