Food for those who don't like food.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

This is an odd feeling.

I think it would be less devastated if they were just gone, in some wierd hard drive crash. Nope.

No, I deleted them all, by mistake---I thought that had them all on my computer, and I didn't check. I didn't check...I don't know why. It's not something I can get over easily because I had some great photos from some really fun memories.

Like the amazing race, those were such good photos. The rain was pouring all that day so we were all soaked, but I was with sam and laura and my whole group was an oddball group. We ran around robson with our bare feet in the rain stopping at every stop. Those were such wonderful shots....gone. I took some amazing shots of these people wandering Vancouver and if I tried to replicate them it just wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be me knowing...I know these people, I like these people. Hilary is right, great photos comes from friendships.

How do you get over something like that. I was so excited to share those memories, they were really special to me and now I won't get to, now I'm fighting just to bring my camera out---with everyone looking at me like I'm a voyeouristic jerk or the papparazi.


Goodbye September 30th, 2007 - October 08, 2007

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Last Hurrah, or Goodbye Ohio Seeya Later.

Well. I agree with one thing I keep hearing from people. It seems like forever when you're waiting, but when you get there it's almost too soon. First I hung up my deli apron and cap back in august, then my familiar green apron was put to rest last wednesday...and now. I have about an hour until one of the longest waited flights of my life.
At this point people have stopped asking what I'm doing going to Canada for four months followed by two in an unspecified country. No, by this point they just ask if I'm scared. To which I have concocted a rather resounding answer of: 'yeah, sure as hell I'm scared---but I'm a thousand times more excited as to what god will do next'.
It's almost surreal at this point. I slept last sometime on saturday at this point and the wafting scent of my neighbors arbys breakfast crossiant is both nauseating and delectable all in one fell swoop. I haven't flown in such a long time, and you can tell by how ridiculous I packed. The only comfort is the fact that My mom made my recipe for Banana Bread (affectionately called Dirty Chunky Monkey Loaf), which will meet its swift fate from my coat pocket...the minute I finish this. Every few minutes, there is a very unenthusiastic voice reminding me that we are now firmly in the orange. Oh, how I love national security and their paranoia of toothpaste.
To aid all the sorts of disenergized, the collective group behind is speaking korean. I only know this because she asked her daughter if she was still hungry...the fact I know this makes me glow a little at my very limited korean vocabulary. Now the person to my right started speaking a very loud russian. Such Internationals in Akron, Ohio. Ah, I best be off...this entry is really going nowhere, except for toothpaste which gets its own tag.
I'm coming Vancouver.
Goodbye, Akron...I'll see you another day, another time.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

One Step.

Now what?

Is the most hated question to ever grace my ears. Upon hearing it I am instantly sent into a tizzy of squirms and fits. Now most of these are internal but if you were to look closely, you may just see me twitch.

Now what, though?"
For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. 13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. 14 I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. 15 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. 16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

Ezekial 34: 11-16
"If there is one thing that I know is true", is that he will love me as he always does whatever happens, but is it wrong for that not to be enough right now, right at this moment? I am more stressed than I remember being stressed in a long time.

The truth is I need prayer. Not just normal prayer, atomic super duper prayer. Tomorrow, I have to present to my church a proposition. I have to go in front, where I hate to go, and tell them I am called to missions whatever the heck that means, and pull out all bells and whistles so they know I am not one of the crazy ones.

But really...I am one of the crazy ones!

I have been know to stare at people freakishly, analyzing them--- imagining their stories as they go about life. I have a ridiculous passion for food, and an ambitious approach to trying everything I can in my life, learning through food the traditions and history of a culture. I hate people---yet I love people more than anything and would have my heart broken on a daily basis when I lived in Vancouver. I am mean! It's true, abusive almost, explosively...but only out of frustration at god.

Frustration at god that I know above all now is the time to go back. Now is the time to approach everything I have been running from or trying to internalize and make it a me and god thing, when really I need to make it more real, more tangible. Frustrated with god about my finances, when he could easily just give me all the money I need.

So what do I need...first, I need prayer.

I need a lot still, a little over a third. Around Two thousand dollars, but that is budgeting no money for spending money (something I would like but not a big problem). I also need supporters who can commit to helping me pay my school loan interest payments monthly. I need supporters who can commit to praying for me. I need support to help pay for health care and insurance. I need supporters who can pray for my mental stability as being stretched like this is driving me crazy...yet driving me somewhere at least. I need a backpack still for outreach. I need the support of my friends, yes you non-christian crazies whom I love so much.

I need people to have my back so I won't fall so hard when I do fall.

Most of all I need to do this.

Friday, August 24, 2007

To the Moon and Back

19, originally uploaded by penguinscanfly.

September 24, 2007

Monday, August 20, 2007

Sending a Prayer: Gordy Guiboche

This man is Gordy.

Gordy is a crazy guy who roots for the Calgary Flames, he comes from a troubled background (if you want the details ask him, he can give you a real honest story) but has moved on with god in his heart to create what those on the drive affectionately call chili wagon.

He has a heart for the drive, formally known as Commercial Drive in Vancouver B.C., so every Tuesday...and I mean every Tuesday, Gordy makes a gianganormous pot of chili and serves it to everyone he can. He serves and he commutes all out of the goodness of his heart. Recently though the Chili Wagon has come under fire. Critically some are saying it attracts the wrong kind of crowd---the homeless and damage of Vancouver. But these are the people gordy wants to reach, the people he used to be and wants to help move from the purgatory of homelessness to a real life, a real job, a real relationship with Christ.

But now they are after him. Attacking his integrity, his heart, his family. There's even a smear campaign all over the drive boycotting chili wagon.

Pray for this man, his heart, his ministry, and for hope that he can keep going.

12Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. 13But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known )the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;

2 Timothy 3:12-16 (NASB)

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

September First.

One Month.

That is my deadline as set by those above me to raise all the money for this thing.

Let's do it! FIGHT- O!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Off I go.

I think that I might possibly have a bit of a problem with wasting time on the internet. Kind of like it's this mindless escape after working twelvish hours a good portion of the days in the week. I've had to ask myself: "Where did those last five hours go?". That's the point where I usually have to go to some sort of meeting center where pins are involved.

I don't like pins. I stab myself with them every freaking time. So instead I'm going the other route. I'm road tripping it. More importantly, I'm going to try and reconnect into my family.

As in not my sister, mom, dad or grandma.

Hello, Virginia. The state I mean, oh the state of the state we put ourselves in.

Maybe I'll see you all when I get back. I've got a few ideas brewing...oh, and I didn't take that picture---someone on my dts did. I added a few punches though.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Freaky Fourth of July

Yeah So. Found some old photos. More on this later.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dak Bulgogi (Fire Chicken!)

Notes, for archiving purposes Only

Bulgogi Marinade for about 3 or 4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs.

1 Tbsp Soy Sauce
1 Tbsp Sugar
1 Tbsp Rice Wine
1 Tbsp Light Sesame Oil
1/2 cup Naturally Sweetened Gingerale (white grape or pear) or a strong firey german ginger ale
1/2 water
2 tsp Korean Red Pepper Paste
1 tsp red pepper flakes
1 inch piece ginger grated
1 large clove garlic grated

- Grate the Garlic and Ginger into your mixing bowl
- add the paste and flakes and stir the paste until well combined
- add the liquids a little at a time, whisking roughly to mix well.
- let sit for an hour or so.

- Heat a large skillet
- Dump the whole thing in, on high until the liquid foams on top, stir and cook for about four more minutes after that. Pour half of the liquid off, and continue to simmer on low until the liquid reduces a bit, about another six - eight minutes. Remove the chicken and continue to reduce the sauce. when down to a nice consistency, add the meat back and and toss to coat.
- Heat Through

Serve on Rice. (or in bibimbap!)

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I thought you all left!

The funny thing about when I don't update my seems like at that point everyone starts to finally read it. Now I know blogging shouldn't be about getting people to read what you have to say, it's kind of like a diary, but more public...or at least mine tends to be that way. That said it is really nice when you get viewers from all over!At the moment though I am playing around with my computer trying to solve some issues for my camera, in addition to starting a second job working nights at the mustard seed.

Hello Korea! Prince George, BC! Kettering! Kitchener! Germany! and last but not least Brooklyn...who do I know in Brooklyn. Well, welcome. Do not be frightened by my grammar, or especially the weight this entry carries with all it's darn commas.

I'm coming back soon.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Nine Betweens.

1. I have been summoned for jury duty. Number four.

2. I am in the market for a second non-starbucksy job. One interview, and a few harrassing calls later, we'll see this through yet.

3. I have been sick for the past two weeks. Dizzy, nausea, and a bit of no it's not due to the fact that I am on minimal caffeine. By the way I'm on minimal caffeine which I can manage none. So far so good, I worked a double with barely a milligram of caffeine in me. I think I was snappy.

4. My voice sounds like a smoker who throws flames on the side after he's done recording stock screaming clips for the house of horrors.

5. I passed both of my classes! I didn't make the dean's list...Darnnabdigity.

6. Akward turtle moment! @___@

7. I had my first french style macaron. It was hard and I felt like it stuck to the back of my throat and I am questioning how they managed to sell them for 35.00 dollars a pound. (mine was free, although I want my money back) It was from West point Market, a gourmet market usually known for great pastries. I'll reserve my judgements until I get to go to pistachio on thursday in columbus.

8. I have a vacation this weekend!

9. My job is only going to schedule me nights all through jury duty.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

The Finals.




As many times as I will distract myself with thousands and thousands of recipes in my house that I want to make. I will commit.


Three days.

...then I will tackle you my frondly friend named frodo the fennel.

Oh, anyone with fennel recipes? I'm clueless.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Someday I'll get it.

Did you ever have that feeling that you're fly is down? Egg in your face? Toilet paper on your foot...even when absolutely nothing was wrong.

It's quite irritating.

It also accurately describes my ability to interact socially. Imagine this feeling every time you talk. You start off thinking you know what you know, but in the end you are just so unsure of why you said what you said in the first place that you don't even want to finish. All the while people are too nice to tell you that there is an enormous snot slug hanging from your left nostril. Ah, that and they forgot to pay attention to a word you were saying.

Maybe I'm just a little slow, but someday somewhere somehow, I will learn to shut my trap.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I'm ready, I am! --- Part Two

Recently I spent sometime in the project, and honestly I couldn't think of anything better than a camera and a few eclectic residents to get you thinking. Like this one girl, I didn't get her name but as soon as my and my friend pulled our camera's out she hollered out the window. She wanted us to take her picture!

It was rare.

Usually if I pull out a camera I get a select few reactions.

A - No pictures! No pictures! *smothers*
B - PEDOPHILIA! *insert screaming mother*
C - *insert a long string of profanity and a swinging bat...true story*

Yet here's this girl, just looking her best. Fixing her hair, strutting her stuff. No real bad intentions, she just wanted someone to capture her big smile. What does it take to get people to be that open, though?

Thinking about it, this openness is really lacking in our world. You think you're open until you realize you aren't. Hell, I thought I was open to a couple things. Honestly though...somethings in life you think you were always ready for; some things you have to prepare yourself for; and some amount of preparation would ever help.

I am talking solely about the latter at this point, and last friday I had my first real date...and quite possibly my last ever. This is all strictly off the record by the way.

The set up: not only classic, it was downright surreal. It all started with a simple seat arrangement. I had been asked to move tables to give room to someone with a larger project and a need for space. Moving to the only available space sat me next to her. Now she was essentially an interest to start with, conveniantly placed in my class we would flirt occasionally, but it was all just harmless, witless banter.

Cue the catalyst: unnamed to protect his identity, this large jolly fellow has a solid grip on his surroundings.

Oh Noes!"

an exaggeration has been made with this dialogue for dramatic effect. In reality the catalyst is a real mumbler.

"What's wrong, man!" I respond.

"I have two tickets to see this magnificently wonderful show known as RENT (all rights reserved), but alas I cannot attend. What dismay has this world brought unto me?"

"Good Golly Grief man! Pull yourself together!"

"But...way off off broadway calls!"

"I have a solution!"

Enter the girl.

"I'll take them!" she says suavely, swooping in quick successive seconds to snatch the singing show's stubs.

*GASP*ed. Our gentlemanly ways were shocked by her forwardness.

"But I must attend in this kind fellow's honor!"

"Well...she might have plans" suggests the jolly man catalyst.

"I do...Do ya wanna?" She offers.

"I wanna".

There may have been some exaggerations with the sequencing, but it ended accurately. Honestly I had no idea what I was doing, this is something that has been constant with me in my life. I do not date. Why do I not date? I am asked that same exact question, every single day of my life. At least once, and I am really not exaggerating. I haven't quite figured out a solid answer to it, despite it being a constant topic.

So one little date won't hurt right?

Just one?

I told myself something along these lines over and over, but really the shear akwardness of the whole thing still makes my ears ring. I guess I was just infatuated with the idea of going on a date, and less so with my actual date. Not to downplay her beauty, she is quite the looker if I do say so myself.

It started off bad. Her "mom was in town and she didn't know if she could make it, she promised her mom she would meet her for lunch" which turned into "dinner", so there goes all of that small talk. Then she doesn't think she can make it, so I have to drive from work to pick up my ticket for a musical. We wouldn't want these tickets to go to waste right? So by the time I get home I reek of coffee and sweat and want to just...give up. But despite my tardiness I still try to make it. So now I look bad, because she decides to call and tell me she's gonna wait by the door for me. Forget the fact I am twenty minutes away and haven't even thought of parking.

Eight minutes left, I leave my ticket at my car in a parking area that's way off the path. Dashing back we make in the door to say the least. Our seat isn't on the first set so maybe it's up?

Not the second flight?

What about the last really there's an elevator up to there?

Yeah, we went to see Rent. A musical that really is not to my tastes. It was showy and loud and we had quite possibly the worst seats in the house. Seats that I drove an extra hour and ran clear out of breath for. We hit intermission and there is no small talk, nothing. We have the lasting chemistry of water and oil. That's right, I ran to the bathroom because I felt like I had food poisoning and she ran to smoke as many cigarettes as humanly possible before they dragged her back in.

I didn't even know what to do afterwards, dinner, food, drinks? I'm not suave, I'm debonair, and most certainly am having intestinal malfunctions. So we just kind of part ways...


Somethings you really aren't ready for, dating for me is one of them. It's not just because I had a bad date. It's because when I do date, I want something to be there. I want to be able to understand the whole biblical side of it all. I want to not pursue something for entertainment purposes, but really put myself out there. Last thing I want to do is play with their heart. Right now, that's all me dating would be for me. God made women to have beautiful delicate hearts, I feel I should respect that for now.

I'm out.

Food blogdom is over for now, I'm going to still occasionally post recipes on my normal blog from now on, but for now a food blog is not the thing to focus on.

check me out at

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

"I'm ready...I am!" - Part One


It's true.

I'm coming to Vancouver in September. I will be attending the Drive DTS. I will have a majority of my former classmates as staff members. On top of it all I have authority issues.

Hot Dang, what the hell am I doing? Holy freaking crap!


Holy hell, I'm doing it this time.

Must. Resist. Urge.

...To think too far ahead.


Sunday, April 15, 2007

Found in the Footnotes

Have you ever really looked at the footnotes, voluntarily? In high school we dreaded footnotes our senior year because our evil term paper required it. The eleven years prior to that point, we were only asked to type up a simple (yet in reality entirely inaccurate) bibliography. So why now? Why must we bludge through the painstaking process of numbers and real sourcing!? Screw accuracy, score quotes, all sources are mine! Riot I tell you, RIOT!

Oh, how the times have changed.

Now...I kind of like reading the footnotes. They are like a long running commentary to help me really understand what I am reading, plus they usually lead me to something equally interesting to read. So I encourage you to read your footnotes! Mark it on your daily list, along with brushing your teeth, plotting world denomination, and fighting for a better pay! It will fit right in I tell you. So I present to you a first for this blog, a series---"Found in the Footnotes"

Taken From Sex God By Rob Bell "God Wears Lipstick" note 13.

"Recently I saw my friend Josh, who teaches fifth and sixth graders. He was preparing the lesson for that day and had his supplies with him: a large glass bowl, a can of beef, fatty tissue, sauerkraut, a jar of olives, some anchovies, and a hundred-dollar bill. I know---I was curious too. So I did exactly what you would have done. I asked him what his lesson was about. He replied, "I put all the ingredients in a bowl, including the money, and then I mix it together. then when it doesn't taste good, I pretend I'm going to throw it all away. At this point the kids go crazy, telling me not to. I ask them why I shouldn't, and they say, 'Because it's valuable.' And then I counter with, 'But it smells and it's disgusting.' At which point they rush to the front volunteering to reach into the bowl and pull out the hundred-dollar bill. Actually, I may have to start using a twenty for this lesson, because the last time I used a hundred, they trampled each other to get to the front. I then read to them from Genesis chapter one about how every single human being bears the image of God and how no matter what else is mixed in there, a person still has limitless worth in God's eyes."

Some days, I need little stories like this as a real reminder of what I should be doing in my daily interactions. Customer after Customer comes in daily, and all I seem to be able to do is judge them more and more each day. I had to actually walk into the back room the other day because I wanted to slap myself for what my mind was doing. I kept judging this frighteningly shrill and creaky woman who comes in every day and is just impossible. She is an older woman of an indiscernible age with small wisps of peroxide blond hair poking out in random places. Normally she is disheveled in an almost non functional way causing me to wonder what she actually does with the rest of her day, and her voice cracks and creaks like an old door scraping a rough floor. Regularly in at an early hour, every day she orders a coffee in a cup the size up, today I got it ready for her as she was walking to the counter. Smaller mistakes have been made, but the reaction wasn't a good signal to that. She accuses me of trying to sell her old coffee, so she changes her order: "I want two medium coffees in large cups". We pour her two fresh cups and she throws her hands up: "I won't drink stale coffee!" and she runs out the door. This isn't even the first time this happens, but she still comes in day after day. I've heard the people at work say they hate her, and that she's a ridiculous old bat. Truth is, I've thought the exact same things over and over. I want to hate her, but that's just too easy. There's got to be something behind it.

I want to understand. I really want to know what causes someone to get so frighteningly disconnected from reality, and to be able to care for her the best a barista/christian can and just maybe help her have a better day than the day before. I actually want to make a customer happy! Maybe I'm just trying to understand this concept: god loves equally, the diseased, the downtrodden, the depressed, the happy...or maybe I have just been there myself.

Disheveled, disconnected, and discontent with my surroundings. Those people we distance ourself from really aren't that far off when you think about it.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

देवास्ताशन or Devestation.

Confession # 4 - I haven't watched a Hockey game in well over a year.

P.s. My Blog went hindi all on it's own and I had to retype my post!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Flash Flood Freeze Frame


I have a food blog!

I just forgot about it for a few months.

So, since I forgot about it let's remodel a bit here and there, and honestly I think I need a mission statement.

*contintues to plot the revolution*

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Truth to the Fiction

I stole this quiz from Audrey's blog, Then I saw it on Ryan's and Hilary's blogs...I've just been working loads of doubles at work. It is quite an interesting quiz, with multiple levels of differences and very in depth analysis of your personal observations. I don't agree with all of it but some of it I do. I mean, I have some sense of style right? RIGHT?

*punches the silent crowd vigorously*

here that is...

According to it, I am an observer. Something that if there was any standard truth in my life that was it. I watch everything around me. I am fascinated by the way things are put into their own force of gravity. Sometimes though, I feel like I'm just not there. That faded into the distance feeling. The other cool thing about this little quiz was that it tells you something you can do to change the way you work. Simple suggestions, such as I am an observer who needs to experience a little more and watch just a wee bit less.

For some odd reason this specific thing reminded me of the title character in a movie titled "Train Man"(でんしゃおとこ). The main character being this ridiculously shy nerd who really just can't seem to function on the same level as everyone else. Sometimes I feel like that. It might just be a cultural thing, but it seems like he doesn't really have any incentive to change in his life. He's not in the best situation, but the daily routine to him seems comforting. It gets him by moving from day to day, but still just a going through the motions. At some point in the future maybe things will change, or push come to shove he could stay the same the rest of his life and not really feel much chagrin over the whole ordeal. From the opening scent though the first thing they make apparent is that this man is a watcher, he knows and understands reactions better than anyone else.

He notices the couples, who pass by on the train stop and the stories of romance he watches in privacy. All the while, he wants to stay the watcher as long as he can. It's easy, you can see it from the outside and walk away from it ready to continue your day. He even listens to an ipod, as he people watches, something I very much can relate with.

Then something changes him.

For the first time in his life, something takes over. Something drives him to become part of this player's act. I like you, train man. He tries to save a girl from being groped by a drunkard. He shuns common sense for an oh-so brief moment and dives in as a man! Only quickly to be pushed away. But he still did it, he acted as a player in his own theatrical production. Now See something else the quiz does get right is that as much as we crave personal interactions and relationships, real solid relationships...we're very much afraid of taking any sort of step. I say we refering to both me and train man as we understand each other foo'. We truly lack confidence and usually this is only because at somepoint in our life we have been so broken down that we always feel this need to try and prove ourselves. A fruitless effort really.

After the interaction in the movie though this crazy dude called Train man finds himself reaching out into empty space---the internet. He posts on a message board of his grand tales, he met the girl of his dreams and all he had to tell was his computer. Shorty after though he gets one response, and then two and then a hundred! The movie smartly focuses on the lives of six really distinct charcters though. Each of them has someone in their life that reminds them of train man. He turns instead from a random along man into a brother, a lover, a friend and son. They want him to succeed with all their life and guide him along his mistrials and adventures with the woman on the train.

Now when I first looked at the results I disagreed with the comment that I have trust in others. Then I remember some of the people I have encountered in my life, as well as the instances where I may have indulged into more than what they really wanted to know. Truth is I have a lot to say and once I start I go on and on and on...and on. I trust people a lot and this has been my downfall. I really do listen to what people say and respect their opinions, I want their opinions---to grow and learn. Everyone should also have the chance to have someone listen to their story. I remember the people on hastings who would light up just to be looked at. Who really just wanted someone to shut up and listen to their story.

Train man ends the movie with the idea that: "Yeah, I can move on now"; Feeling like you've watched someone grow into who they were meant to be. I kinda like that.

You can find out how I really did here, and see if you agree =D

Lies about style, all lies
I'm stylish some days...

Thursday, March 22, 2007

A Little Bit

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough."

- Psalm 30:9-12 (Message)
Someone recently was asking about songs to make for a dance mix, and immediately I thought of a whirl of what I would put on it. I thought of the rises and falls I follow faithfully, that's when I am completely alone. I mean COMPLETELY by my lonesome.

Then I dance.

I move to the grooves of life in it's moment, I waltz for London and it's little symphony. I swing with the many mad men who know love better than the rest, and sway with a few lovely sirens, all the while raising that one fist in complete defiance to whatever be the most worth defying. Because happy or sad, sometimes you just have to move. I know I am all alone with really only god to see how stupid I look---and really how stupid do I look. When you feel a little stupid though it helps bring you back down, so you can feel a little bit better. Afterwards I feel almost least for a little bit.

At least until I look around, I come back to the world facing me.

The wedding was this past weekend, and it was weird and wonderful as any wedding should be. I made too many scones, and the ones I made didn't taste terrible. I really look up to my sister at least for one thing, she likes to keep moving even up to the last minute! We got there and were thrown our own additional responsibilities. Then she took her bride (she did marry a man, just ask the pastor though he seemed to forget and I quote"Do you take her to be your lovelyhusband?") and ran. You think during weddings you're involved in that you happen to be the only one who is going nuts. Oh those silly lies we believe. I think there should be a full documentation of the bride during her wedding planning phase just so she can go back and see how crazy she drove everyone. It would be a magnificent tenth anniversary present, we could hold a private screening!

So for lack of a better phrasing, it's OVER! My sister knows I love her despite it all, and I gladly welcome whathisface...*ahem* Michael into the family. The rest of us will all step away and leave it up to Beaver, first though I have to see if I can think of 100 more jokes about the fact she is now a Beaver quite literally. Now though I have to get back to homework. The facts, the hard truth, the unsurmountable odds towering over me with its looming shadow leaving me with plenty room to hide.

Truth is...I am a twenty one year man who is loosing a life long fight with PAPERWORK! Come on now, how ridiculous can you really get? It's not like it has any special moves or that final left throw, it's just paper. I say I tried even though I really didn't, because my mind was thinking about how much I had to do and even more about how much I didn't.

I'm in a bit of a pickle here. I know that I need to just start, somewhere. I just want to stop feeling so darn stretched first.

EDIT: Just so yall know, I love this picture. It's of a scarf show from about four months ago that was held in a small gallery. It was such a crap shot and after I figured out color POPPED. I love it.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Once In a While

Sometimes everything you thought could go wrong...didn't.

Goodnight peeps.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Closing In

"...Sometimes the person who needs help the most is the last person to ask for it."
- Shannon Leone Fowler
Confession #2 - Most of the time I really do need help, but am far beyond stubborn to ask for it. Chalk it up to my stubborn nature or maybe even just my lack of the ability to process everything as fast as I'd like...I just plain am in need. A lot of the times I should be able to do something but I'm too caught up in my little web of lies to admit I was wrong. I even attempt to put on this faux, everything together act; despite my acting background, I'm rather bad at this.

Truth be told, with the exception of the occasional moment of clarity---my life is a complete mess. I really need to work on that.

Monday, February 26, 2007

A Spoonful Weighs a Ton

"Those who make the worst use of their time are
the first to complain of its brevity"

- Le Bruyere, Characters


Three months haven't passed, and I'm blogging again. God forbid this ever come a regular thing, that would be like...a real blog!

I know!


Honestly I really do have a purpose.

A couple of oddly interesting things happened this past week. Firstly, I seemed to actually communicate with a certain individual *ahem* mark *ahemcoughhack* whom I just never seem to be able to communicate with these days. Letters would fly between the wires, questions asked, but rarely answered. But without asking, I received a wonderous response, making me look forward to fall a little bit more and really cut back financially wherever I can. All it took was a little give on my part. Well a lot of reflection, and a give in attempting to control the uncontrollable. It seems to go without saying I'm as stubborn as three day old baguettes.

Really though, I think I'm ready to go back to that place there. Unlike the thrusting reentry into the USA, I have ideas. I have hope for something else than what is turning into the mundane and ritual. We'll see. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket or something quirky and not really insiteful like that, right?

I'm oddly enjoying writing a little bit more, and I've found it and other things to be oddly calming. So I decided to change my blog a bit. Template number four for this budding blossom of a bloggity nook, and finally a picture (albeit the absolute worst I could find) to go along with all nine of the languages you might be able to read my blog in. My writing looks pretty in Korean!

I haven't a clue if it actually makes any sense but sure, play with the buttons in the upper right corner and have a ball.

Working on a few things here personally though. One of which was really being able to ask questions of people without seeing them. Not one who readily flung their lives into a mad phone text flurry the minute they hit the market; I am a hiding texter. I lurked and hovered. Adding to that---the person I was on IM was a completely different person than who I really was in person. The merging of the two created an overliterate long-winded gobble. I was trying hard to ask questions with weight without making it seem like these are little blippy boxes on a screen. Yet recently It's just been different. I realized I can't change the world with the text message; more likely that I can't make someone like me either. It can really be great to hear real news from people though.

Acceptance of this was an attempt to throw away surface conversation, but without it how would I be able to be the chatty barista I've caught myself being recently?

I guess it helps to not be in control all the time, and just let things flow. Now about that whole authority issue...we'll get to that soon!

Random bit. I watch Grey's Anatomy religiously by the way, and am continually impressed with the filming production on that show. That pass in the hall between Denny and Izzy was amazingly shot and really captured the emotion. I was slightly less impressed with this recent arc, although it was nicely cut into chunks to keep drawing me in and almost caring about Meredith. It helps that she finally slapped off her wishy wash attitude and confronted her mother. So dark, so twisty.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I Turn My Camera On

Sometimes things just have to come down

“What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing;
it also depends on what kind of a person you are”
- C.S. Lewis

Truth be told. I've been thinking...

...and you all
know what happens when I THINK.

There are few things in this world that truly get me going. By nature I am as lazy a being as one could expect from a twenty something aimless undergrad; by nature I have no motive. Which is for the longest time I thought was true. Then presented before my eyes were millisecond long blips of hope.

Simply Ideas. In and out with barely a spark of reflection. Almost as if something, somewhere was trying to just tell me something; usually something I know, have always known, and just really needed a nudge in some direction. So one day at a time, I try to fight nature. I thought I couldn't get a job, I got a job. I thought I couldn't get up in the morning to work those five o'clock opens, I haven't missed one yet.
For some unknown reason though, when it comes to seeing the light in any given situation---I seem to only see it in everyone else. I don't expect anything from me. Keep with me, I do have a point.

So what do I do when I find something a little maddeningly enjoyable. I think I can't keep up. I make excuse after excuse. And then not surprisingly, I fall behind. It's my vicious cycle of life self destruction, and this unusually selective warpath knows right where to hit me. Despite this, I'm going to give some things I left behind another chance. Heck I even looked things up in the BIBLE!

"But I have raised you up [a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. "

Exodus 9:16

So yeah. I still have a point.

This past may I bought a camera.

Now I had almost all but given up on art but I felt the need for a creative output. My photos started off crappy, and I didn't really have much faith in them. This camera is my first real camera. I picked it out and I bought. Since then, I tried a little harder. Now they are just a little bit less crappy. Who knows! Maybe in the future I would consider them subpar (as I am my own worse critic). The point being when I turn my camera on, something in me is slowly changing for a positive direction. The photos that go along with every entry were always taken by me. Crappy or not, I couldn't bare to use someone else's work alongside my dribble, changing their intention---so I had to take action. If I can't use something I get, then something had to be created. I even urge you to take a look. It's been a slow learning process, but it's an awe-inspiring revelation when it something just clicks---quite literally.

Recently though, it seems just a pleasure to learn about anything. I still want to know when I do a good job. I want to know how to take that compliment, but more importantly I want to know when I don't. I want those failures, and missed chances. They are becoming less of a burden and more of a repurposed force. I was directed back to a church that I felt slightly burned on. Big, showy, flashing lights, and overinflated egos preaching to hundreds of hormonal teen christianese shells. Well since I've been gone, the old pastor has moved on. They have a few less lights, and a few less bodies...but they seem to want that connection now. It's like maybe the spirit is coming back to them after they turned off some of those shiny bright lights. Horrid, Blasphemous, insect comparisons aside---I think I can understand them a little now. I even went so far as to join a life group.

Now if only we could do something constructive, despite how fun monopoly and Wii Sports can be in a group setting.

One day at a time, right?

Word of the Moment.
Repurpose (re-pur'pes)tr.v.
re·pur·posed, re·pur·pos·ing, re·pur·pos·es To use or convert for use in another format or product: repurposed the book as a compact disk

Monday, February 05, 2007

That Was the Worst Christmas Ever! - Part II

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey

I distinctly remember baking and rushing my last batch of christmas cookies, god knows they tasted awful.

Somewhere someone told me that with anything you create, your emotions can determine the outcome; this was the case. Somehow I managed to make them wrong (normally taking ten minutes they took 30 just to set up). Internally I was thinking of just going out on a good note, but in reality I was just trying to stretch my time and stay there---just squeezing in that last ounce of the atmosphere I was about to leave behind. I just wanted to stay.

The ride to the airport was quiet, on my front at least, but everyone else seemed to have something to say. They had their questions, stifled with an unabashedly akward silence. All the while I was just trying to hold back from crying, something I had done quite the fair share of in the few days I had between the announcement I wasn't ready to attend out reach and the flight date home. We said our goodbyes, and like most good Christian people we hugged. Out of All of the hugs in my life, those hugs lasted just a little bit longer than usual; as if to say: ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Don’t give up’, and a thousand other forms of what is the one-two punch of guilt and regret.

I remember when they first told me that I was not going to go. I looked like a patient about to be forced into a psych ward---minus the straight-jacket. Flailing aimlessly, angrily screeching; something in me was dying...and then I crashed. I couldn’t handle them telling me that, and I was digressing into my most basic animal instincts. I was fighting it both inside and out, feeling as if an unbearable poison was forcing its way through my veins, paralyzing all rational thought. Over the next few days I mellowed, or more so I was tranquilized by irrational fear.

I was going home a failure, a then incomplete mess. Standing in front of me was the daunting fact that everything, and I mean everything I had planned for in the next months was going by the wayside. I was returning to Ohio---but I wasn’t supposed to be back yet. I was seeing my family---who weren’t expecting me until March. I was turning twenty and thrust into “Happy Holidays” mode, but I honestly wasn’t happy. I was pushed back into my life, my reality, questioning everything that had happened in the previous months. I was home. The sad part though is really just how hard people tried to make me happy. It was like trying to warm over a slab of marble. Something in me had felt like it died, and I was regressing into the stages of grief; or maybe it was a good grief I just don’t know.

"This is what I'm thinking, this is my point."

When I got home, when I decided I wanted to be a little better than I was last year, I took off like a rocket. This past year had a definite direction to it. Despite being severely depressed for a majority of it I was a force of movement. A week into it I had a job, that same week I had two, and then I just took off. I wanted something and I wanted control over it. There were times this past year where I was ridiculously angry. I tried not once but twice to retry a discipleship training school. People would say they were proud of me, but I knew that it wasn’t my time yet. The first time was in October, I had hoped and prayed for a school, finally finding one that just screamed me. It was in Montreal, and I was enchanted by the idea of attending a working internship of a school. It was my first big rejection in a while, but they where honest---they felt they couldn't help me. So I talked to Mark, which took forever. Only to hear from Hilary in a Newsletter the school I wanted to attend was canceled. I almost applied to another school, they actually called me three times, but I didn't go. Looking at my situation left me a little troubled differencing reality and determination, holding on to an archaic tendency to move in that fixed direction. Something about the fixation to leave a town combined with the impatience of being stuck in a town really throws you.

It’s weird looking back at mistakes made, because initially I would have just dwelled on not being able to correct them---but now? Now I have this innate want to hold onto my mistakes, to actually…learn from them. I know now that I want to learn, I desire to learn. That’s probably the healthiest habit I’ve ever picked up in my life. So as the one year mark came around I was feeling just a little bit of a failure. I was finishing up a semester, and slightly worried of failing. I was at one job for the longest period I’ve ever been in my life, and slightly worried of being fired. Was anything really wrong? No! Nothing big, I just didn’t want to be at this point at this time. I wanted things to work out slightly differently. I was quite literrally worried because I really had nothing to worry about, go figure.

So I procrastinated a little...then a little more...then a lot until today really.

So what has happened since---November?

I went on vacation, a real honest to god vacation with beaches, gelato and everything! It wasn't quite wonderful, but it was something. Especially our last meal---easily the most gourmet meal I ever had (and I picked it). I learned a bit about Gullah. I've watched fifty Korean movies (eight Japaneses, two chinese and one soap opera too). I survived the three month mark at my job, and now the six month mark. This is a landmark of commitment. I stayed far. I catered the deserts for my work Christmas party. I went to North Carolina, and realized Durham has a street that looks like Commercial Drive. I saw my family again, they're all a little older---yet exactly the same. Christmas came, Christmas went, and then I turned twenty-one. Heck I went out and bought a SINGLE beer. It was bitey, with hints of coffee and the color of Guinness. I passed with a B, and signed up for two more classes. I realized I liked photos, and even started a page for them. I watched an entire movie in a theater without talking, and with smuggled cheesecake. I made Sugar cookies from scratch; gingersnaps too. I also chased seagulls.

So here I am. A little over one year later, a little bit older, and not so much the wiser but all the more eager to try a little more. What have I learned...well. God is slow. Painfully slow. In perfect conjuction, I'm obnoxiously impatient.

So he continues to push my patience just a little bit more. Maybe I'll see some of you in September?

Friday, January 05, 2007

That was the worst christmas ever!