Food for those who don't like food.

Monday, November 06, 2006

All at Once

So. This Picture has nothing to do with the post, but I refuse to waste it, now...

I really want to be selfish. It's true, I really want to be mean and spiteful and full of hate, anger; I could go so EMO right now it's not even funny. Unfortunately though, in this situation It just wouldn't be right.

So this post is about my sister, first a congratulations, because she is getting married. I really hope that my sister respects me and doesn't read this because despite the fact I know where her blog is, I won't read it. It's something personal, and a side of my sister that isn't for me to see. Knowing this, you have to know that despite me not reading the rough equivalent of her open paged journal, I still do know something. I know when she has trouble, I can tell. I know when she feels ganged up on, and when people think everyone is against her. I know everyone of her little ticks she does when she's aggravated and I can call it to the second when she'll break down.

Truth is her and me are both painfully alike in that aspect. We each have different insecurities, we both had different problems growing up, but we are both very visual. Creatively and annoyingly we tell our problems before people can even ask. We tell it by our pained expressions, our upset looks, our posture, our silence. Who needs words with all of this glaring you smack in the face. The worst part though is that when it comes to confrontations, we have somehow managed to be opposite types. If someone really does bother me, I will go up to their face at any point and tell them the best way I can that they need to do something about it. My sister, when she's mad she goes away. She retreats until she knows what she wants to say. I process things aloud, sometimes while walking around. She processes things internally. Now---put these two in a room and let them disagree---GO! Many of our friends can attest to this monstrous and immature display.

Despite our fighting sometimes we still can't really understand each other. Currently this is the situation.

My sister is getting married. My sister is getting married! You have no idea how happy I am for her; despite this though I have a predicament. I don't think my sister is quite ready personally to join with another in holy matrimony. She knows she has issues, but I just don't know if she's open to seeing them all. Her roommates can seem them, her family can see them, but why is she is blatantly unaware. When I look at how her and Mike get along I trust they want god to be a big part of their relationship, but I also think that they're strong emotional attraction has but a bias on their views of each other. I know I seem skeptical. Maybe that's another big character flaw on my part, or maybe I'm just being a brother. I just had to ask myself, Is this the best thing for her at this time, or will she need more time?

Bring in more to this equation my sister has set the date for her wedding in March. When she is married she will know her fiance Mike for one whole year. One whole year. What do I know really, what experience do I have in dating and relationships? The real answer is none, which further adds to a malicious motive some may skew me towards. Truth is by my sister having a wedding it further puts me in a financial straight shot situation of not knowing what to do. I want to go to a school in January. I need my parents to help me with that. Key Words: I want. What I want doesn't really matter at this point, except for the fact that I want my sister to be happy.

" 9known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." 2 Corinthians 6:3-10 (NIV)

This is phrasing that was quoted through somewhere, I'm not sure where, but I remembered it involved patience. I remember that it talks about dying, where at times it's honestly what I felt was happening to me. I could relate to that feeling of dying, of part of you thoroughly wasting away with every heaving step. Yet we live on. It seems I've been saying I'm sorry a lot lately. Now though, I need to say again...but to god. I keep telling myself that I'm ready. I keep telling people around me that I have changed and grown enough that I can do this again. I keep remembering things that made me so sad to see, like when I was in Manitoba. I was so sad to be there and not have that connection everyone else had. I was jealous they had the freedom to move on while I had still more work to do. I was jealous of a connection I lacked amongst them. At the very same time I was ridiculously happy, I saw them moving on with their lives and I saw that they were affected. It's frakking beautiful. However there is nothing I can particularly do now except hold on and wait. I love god, but dang him for making me wait.

It better be worth it.

So. Back to my sister to end this annoyingly hovering and long long entry full of depressing typed diarhea spewed on to the page. My struggle with her is that, I wish I could be more happy for her. So to do that, I'll pretty much have to wait a little longer for my stuff to happen, at least until god tells me something else. I want her to have the best wedding she can, because you only do get one...if you do it right and make it count. So my parents shouldn't have to worry about my school and the wedding at the same time. It's annoyingly easier, which makes it harder for me to do.

Now. Someone please, knit me a sweater, it's COLD.
"Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 (the Message)

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Food Makes All Apologies a Little Bit Easier...

It should be known that for any sort of apology one must present an offering of sincerity...which is usually food. In all honesty I couldn't think of a sweeter (pun intended) way of saying.

I'm sorry.

Might I also add I'm new in hopes that I can salvage my grand audience of two?

How about an explanation. I've been blinded by Wedding Bells, and my sister has decided to get married---in five months! God Bless Her! Now I congratulate her for this great step forward in life, but at the same time this caused me to shrink back and realize I really don't have much in my bank account. So I was faced with one of those whats-a-ma-call-it "life choices" and regressed to my ignore my blogging ways. Really, It was wonderful almost to not cook for three whole weeks. Then I realized I really really wanted to cook, because cooking is for lack of a better word, therapeutic. What was missed was a Chili with too much spice and Muffins that while sweet and lasted a whole day unfortunately were so complicated it made me scream. In other words true failures that I just wasn't ready to admit too. Am I in denial? Probably...I mean, yes, but that doesn't give me any excuse. In fact I make a lot of failures but every once in a while I hit a streak of pure gold. It just so happens that recently that streak of gold was from the flesh of some sort of slow-roasted vegetable. So enough with the sincerities and time for the real presents!
I don't know why, but this time of year...I am obsessed with squash. Maybe it's just us Americans or an obscure diet staple of upper midwest americas or what, but anywhere you go this time of year you will see a variety of fall-hued stemmed monstrosities. Children Carry around Plastic versions of the more popular ones, while our grocery aisles suddenly have endcap aisles devoted to Libby's Moneymaker. Our Coffee Shops create drinks devoted to them, our bakeries thrown them in cheesecakes and muffins and cookies, oh my! You cannot go anywhere without running into them, that's because any grower knows that when they really go to fruition they breed like happy bunnies and gerbils.

So I present a gift, orange and sweet and studded with crunchy pecans, this is loaf that is it's simplest form, frakking awesome! The best part is that it is from an old Cooking Light so it's almost good for you...well, admittedly eating a whole loaf in one sitting won't help your wasteline. I'd like to note I really couldn't bring myself to add water to a loaf recipe when you can really add something more flavorful, after a try I opted to add buttermilk to balance the flavor. (Which for a quarter cup it adds about 30 calories to the whole loaf and very little fat...which I should really look up)

I hope in the future after a stunning amount of butter consumption in preparing my first recipe I can actually slim down in the future. Think of this as a positive step in the right direction, a new effort, a season resolution so to speak.

AND Maybe...just maybe I'll figure out how to use my gorram camera some day too.

Pumpkin Cranberry Loaf (Adapted from Cooking Light - November 1995)

2 cups all-purpose flour
2/3 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 3/4 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
(or Sub 3/4 tsp Ginger, 1/2 tsp Cinnamon,
1/4 tsp nutmeg, and 1/8 tsp cloves)

1 cup canned pumpkin
1/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 egg whites, lightly beaten
3/4 cup coarsely chopped cranberries

1/2 cup chopped pecans

Vegetable cooking spray

5 x 9 Loaf Pan
Wheat Germ or Flour for Dusting

Preheat your Oven to 350 Fahrenheit, (someday I will look up Celcius, but until then remember I am american and we all run on the "our system is the way" measuring system) and spray and dust your pan with whatever your choice of dusting items and fat. I use good old Canola Oil Cooking Spray. I spray the bottom, then add a fitted piece of parchment paper followed by more spraying along he sides. I usually dust with wheat germ, just because I think it really marries well with muffins and loafs (and my mother told me too), again I say use whatever you normally do.

Now, before you really do anything else, seperate the three eggs and leave the whites in a medium size bowl for later. Now Measure and Whisk Together all of the spices, the baking powder, salt, flour and sugars in a large bowl until combined. Now stop and clean up before you go any further because if you're like me---you just don't want to do this later. Now back to those egg whites; whisk them until right before they form those soft peaks; you want a thickness but not a meringue. Now fold in the pumpkin (or butternut puree if you're feeling bored yet adventerous), buttermilk, oil, and vanilla extract. Create a well in the middle the dry ingredients and add the wet to that well and fold lightly. Now just after the dry really starts to marry to the wet (but while there are still large streaks of flour) throw the cranberries into the fold. There should still be large some streams of flour when you decide to walk away. Just walk away. Let this baby rest and clean up any residual messes amongst your kitchen.

Spread the batter into that already coated 9 x 5-inch loaf pan, gently. Sprinkle the Pecans Evenly over the top and using whatever you used to spread the batter to just gently tuck in the pecans. Bake at 350° for 54 - 58 Minutes depending on your oven, I typically take it out just a little bit early. Let it cool in the pan for 15 minutes on a wire rack; remove from the pan, and let cool almost completely on wire rack before slicing. Resist the Temptation to eat it all the minute it comes out, a burnt mouth really ruins the experience, and that added in-pan cooking time seems to help it set.

Each Slice depending on the size from a twelve piece loaf will have around 225 calories, and about 6 grams of fat. Mostly Good fat, and there is nothing better than good fat.

12-16 servings (serving size: 1 slice)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Handle With Care

"Why Am I afraid to dance, I who love music and
ryhthm and grace and song and laughter?
Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the
beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth
and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to Love, I who love love?"

Eugene O'neil
The Great God Brown

Commercial Drive. Did anyone ever know how much I hated this place? How much I despised and loathed all of it. You knew I loved it, but did you really know that I hated it more than any other place in the earth. Heck, I thought I was done with it. It was like an old photograph, in that it found it's beauty in it's character and grime; It's life in it's nooks and crannies and down the alleys you never should go. The sky was beautiful, hell...the people were all gorgeous. All the while something so ugly, so hideous had tainted my own love for Vancouver. Now before I go any further I must say that I really do love this city, more than any I've been continuing.

My crappy pride. My terrible evil inner self that caused me to be such a bratty child, all the while I would attempt to present myself as calm and composed. Have you ever seen a bratty child try to act grown up? It's a little cute and well-intentioned but all the while a ridiculous scene that never ends with maturity. I hated that I was not a good person there. I hate that some have considered me to be abusively angry and at times for no reason I would just be so mad, so mad. I know it seems silly, but I really can be that myself. You see it's all because of pride that I forget things that I love. I love to watch life happen, yet I'm afraid to live it. I love love, yet I fear and hide from it more than anything or anyone I know. I just didn't understand the concept of love.

So recently, I went back to something else biblical I didn't quite understand. The severity of the cross, so I listened to one of the most graphic, insensitive, vile, no mercy sermon on it. I loved it. It was by a speaker named mark driscoll, and he delivered this speech at the reform and resurge conference in Seattle this past august. I think because all of my life the cross was this fluffy happy symbol churches gave to you. It was on all bibles, and ornate necklaces but I never really understood it. I never understood just how much pain he had to go through. Looking back, it forces me to see myself as just how selfish I'd been. So I started reading Luke, again, and this time I'm working through it slowly but surely. I've never really read the bible through a whole chapter so bare with me, this is new.

I've learned something though, if not it was drilled into head by my mom, my family, my friends, my job, my own brain---which overworks every stinking thing. As much as I hate this terrible evil crappy place known as Ohio, if god wants me here...that's where I'll be. Where we have the coldest winters, and the hottest summers. Where drinking and watching men fight to the death uniformly over a small bundle of mess wrapped in a sheeth of rubber is the most popular form of entertainment, and the fumes of an old factory makes you dizzy with anger at the polution we cause. I hate rubber town so much, that if god really wants me to stay here, than that will have to do. Heck if God wanted me to spend the rest of my life in an amazing city, or a polar ice cap, or even the dodgy side of london in the back alleys---SO BE IT.

Because I would hate it more if I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be. In this spirit of travel...I applied for another school. This time you may have heard of it, although I hear they're getting a new building and moving a little down the road; you might have passed them at some point walking through Vancouver. They would walk the streets wearing funny aprons and spouting silly promises, or better yet, I think you've tried their soap. Yes, my friends I have applied to that fun city you all know I hate.

More specifically I talked to Mark, which took a lot out of me. I haven't written a blog about it, simply because I wasn't sure. I think I'm sure. I've tried to apply for other schools because I just wanted to go somewhere, anywhere. Drats though to that crappy mean bully of a god who wants me to go somewhere specific, who pushed me in the direction of a city I had never heard of in the first place (in a country with play money none the less). Then to top it all of he sends me back to Ohio, because I wasn't ready yet. Darn him, but I think he knows what he's doing. I'm trying here, to see the plus side to it all. Ohio isn't a terrible place, I think people even move here because it isn't. We have great produce, and culture in our cities. We have an abundance of resources to dabble in, and places to create our dreams. Heck, Akron invented Purell, Instant Oatmeal, the first breakfast cereal, and the first graded school system among others. Alchoholics Anonymous originated here! That means Ohio was the first group of people to try and get help, so maybe it is a place for the refugees of life. Come and deal with your problems, before moving on and such.

Then after the first time I tried to post this message I get a post card from someone in San Fransisco, suggesting I apply to their January DTS. Go Figure. Like I really need anymore help second guessing myself, come on. Honestly! HONESTLY, GOD---you bully!

I want this Vancouver school to happen, key words though: I want. If it doesn't happen, I will wait, because I'm the only one who can make myself wait. A few things need some prayer though, first---It will need more students for a school in January (which they're are currently one other than me that I know of in both Vancouver and San Francisco) and secondly I will have to pull the funds and make it happen. I need God's help in this though, because I just can't have someone donating me a 1000 dollars at the last minute despite they're good intentions when it isn't supposed to happen. It's like the first picture I took in this post, where the statue is holding on to the water and it's just slipping through her hands. You don't try to grab water. You can help it a little though, to get where it needs to go. God will have to make it happen, and I've give that up to him. I'm just going to wait at the stop sign until then. So Hey God, won't you be my traffic light? Heck, why not drive the car, I'll just take a nap now.

Word of the Day - Clemency

Clemency is an associated term, meaning the lessening of the penalty of the crime without forgiving the crime itself. The act of clemency is a reprieve. Today, pardons and reprieves are granted in many countries when individuals have demonstrated that they have fulfilled their debt to society, or are otherwise deserving (in the opinion of the pardoning official) of a pardon or reprieve. Pardons are sometimes offered to persons who, it is claimed, have been wrongfully convicted. However, accepting such a pardon implicitly constitutes an admission of guilt, so in some cases the offer is refused.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Keep Looking Up

Sometimes we have so many different stories to tell that they roll over into other things. In this case I've created a food blog...and it's THIS BIG as the lady claims.

Check it out sometime, I should update it once a week for now.

Cookies Remix, and an Introduction of Sorts.

Not Only Have I had multiple starts at this, I never in fact expected to start this. So here it is, and with the first requested recipe. I read too many freaking food blogs, and I just have to put forward and try. If you want a little more info on my just look to the side and I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for at this time.

Now for the meat of this start, although there isn't really any meat involved.

The truth about this recipe is that I hated making it to start with, as it came from and was quite evil and incomplete. It was really a risk because I needed something to serve that had something to do with the scots. See, these are just basically chocolate oatmeal shortbread cookies. However, they use Steel-cut scottish oats. The first time I made these it turned out perfect, and formed just fine. I was forced to do a presentation with someone I didn't really trust to work with so I figured I could blind people with food. It conveniently worked. The second time they took 30 minutes longer to finish, and turned out cakey and bitter (surprising as they have no eggs in them). I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I did wrong.

So I set the stupid evil recipe on the shelf and hopefully would never have to look back.

Unfortunately though, it just bothered me I had screwed it up so bad. So I adjusted the recipe, and I tried to add moisture to what has to be the world's most freaking crumbly dough without actually breaking down it's delicate chemistry.I added one teaspoon of milk, that's all. They spread like the fat lady who sings at the end of everything over a child's chair. They tasted good still, but it just...something was wrong. Truth is they flew off the plate regardless, so I figured it was worth trying out.

I just looks to good to resist using these good ingredients. I use a good quality dark chocolate chip or just hack at a bar of high cocoa chocolate. Speaking of which, when I was in Vancouver I just used Frye's Cocoa, which I think is a good all purpose cocoa for baking. Now in Rubber City we have lots of Amish near us, and a large dutch population So I just stick to a good quality Dutch-Processed Cocoa.

"Dutch process chocolate is chocolate that has been treated with an alkalizing agent to modify its color and give it a more mild flavor. It forms the basis for much of modern chocolate candy. It is used in ice cream, beverages, and baking. The development of the Dutch process by Dutch chocolate maker Coenraad Johannes van Houten, along with his development of the method of removing fat from cacao beans by hydraulic press around 1828, formed the basis for cocoa powder and simplified chocolate culture"


Sorry, the red mist got in the way.

Now, It wasn't until I was at my sister's house though that I really figured how to get the cookies to form. I started with the oats (which came out like pellets) and soaked them in cold water for about an hour or so. Other than that I found if I compacted them (see diagram below) that I could get the tight balls I wanted. It's really quite fun, and could easily make these with other people.

It worked! They looked pretty and were great (see above) and were like I remembered. They are also a quick recipe to make once you get a hang of it, but you only need one cookie or so as they aren't light on calories. These are the cookies for chocolate lovers and whenever I can I use a dark chocolate bar and chop it instead of the chips. If you give these a spin give me a comment. This is my first recipe ever posted, anywhere. I will say thought that I have slightly adjusted these every time, each time just a little bit more oats (I like them oaty =D) and make sure you watch them like a hawk as they will quickly burn.

Chocolate Oaties
1 cup all purpose flour 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 3/4 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 tsp. Vanilla Extract (or Vanilla Bean Paste) 1/2 tsp. Almond Emulsion (optional; can use Almond Extract instead) 1/4 cup Steel Cut Oats ( soaked in cold water for about 45 minutes then drained) 1/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips 1/3 cup Chopped Raisins (optional)

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a Jelly Roll Pan with parchment paper. Whisk Flour, Baking Soda, Salt, and Cocoa in a medium size bowl and set to the side. Now take your room temperature butter and cut it into small pieces and using a nonstick spatula abuse the heck out of the butter until has a slightly creamer consistency, add the sugar, vanilla, and almond emulsion (optional) and continue the abuse until it's relatively fluffy. (You could use a mixer, but why miss out on the fun?) Add flour mixture and beat until it starts to darken, this dough is very dark. Mix in oats with that spatula until evenly distributed (dough will be crumbly but if you squeeze a small piece of it it should hold together like good snow). Add chocolate chips (and raisins if you have them) and mix the best you can. Using lightly floured palms, shape 1 generous tablespoon dough into ball. Then flatten slightly and knead into a small patty. The dought should stick together, but it may crumble a little even after you put it on the pan, that is okay! through the crumbs back into the bowl to get in on the rest of the action. Place on the jelly roll sheet; repeate with remaining dough, spacing rounds about 2 inches apart. Bake cookies until center is slightly firm and top is cracked, about 14 minutes. Cool on sheet.

The Inside Tip: Old-fashioned oats have been cut, steamed, and flattened with large rollers. Steel-cut oats are not as highly processed and look like tiny pellets. They produce a more al dente result. they look a bit like bird seed in the store
and are also known as coarse-cut oats, pinhead oats, Scotch oats, and Irish oats. Many people feel that the Steel-cut oats provide better flavour than rolled oats due to the lack of preprocessing. Usually due to the fact that they are not preprocessed then dried, Steel-cut oats are often packaged in a vacuum tight container (like a coffee can) to seal in freshness, but sometimes in bulk stores.

If you absolutely cannot find them anywhere, you can use regular old-fashioned (not instant oats) just skimp out on the soaking and adjust to your tastes. It will not be the same cookie, but I never said it wasn't just as intriguingly rich in flavor.

Makes 12-16 Cookies (and goes great with coffee).

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Decatur, or , round of applause for your stepmother!

Yes, those are soybeans, yes I take all of these pictures, and no I do not know what decatur means...



Decatur - Decatur is the name of several places in the United States. Most, if not all, are named for Stephen Decatur, U.S. naval officer, known for his exploits at Tripoli against the Barbary Pirates and the toast "Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be in the right; but our country, right or wrong," often shortened to "My country, right or wrong".

Sorry you haven't heard from me in a bit, a lot of different things have happened, but I really want to wrap up my projects for midterms (and waiting on a little bit more info for something) before I really dish. Yes, I hate that last word, but it's appropriate...blame the smiley beast.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Minature Disasters

Crashing into someone else is the most indescribable feeling in the entire world...and I've had it happen, what? Three times now? When it happens, as you run right into the other person...and you hear the metals crashing, breaks screeching, everything stopping at that very second. Then for just a small second, the world stops. When it starts again your mind is going faster than your car before it happened, your brain is plotting out your next move, you cry, you go nuts, and then you stop again.


...and then it's right back in there with the clearest head you can imagine. You have a course of action, you have a plan, a story, and a split second of the truth all rushing through. It wasn't until I was in the Police car that I couldn't help but hold back the laughter. All these minature disasters, you'd think they'd be the death of me. Too bad when they really come after me, it's like they wake up the fire. I have a plan, and that plan is to not make plans. It's to have ideas, pursue all of them, and hold onto the one that gives. I---for the third time in two years of having my liscense, have totaled my car---and I am more than fine. I'm alive.

My work was praying for me, my family was praying for me, and who says prayer doesn't work.

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

Good God Jesus, if you need my attention God all you had to do is ask. I took my first step backwards today, both literally and figuratively. I talked to my pastor today, finally. I told her my story; it wasn't perfect but the world kept turning. Afterwords I had some time to myself, I watched a great movie about changing things while you still can. It's a horribly cheesy movie with lots of bad eighties moments but the chick is hot and it makes me smile. It reminded me of a few things; to remember I loved running. that amazing feeling of not being able to catch your breath, knowing god is there holding you up by your strings.

The verse is from a crazy little Korean, I danced in the darken streets today just a few minutes ago. Crazy things we do when we're doing better.

EDIT: I actually did have the accident on wednesday morning, I just wasn't sure how to write it without sounding all angst-child. =P

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

No More Keeping My Feet on the Ground

There is an odd process and ritual to the way I do things. When I write a blog, I always find one song first to suit the entry. When I watch a movie, I always get the chocolate, then the popcorn, then the that order. We are creatures of habit are we not? So do when we do bad things is it out of habit, out of ritual?

So I thought today I'd change things up.

Today is a challenge, to force yourself not to do something you know you shouldn't do. Today is the challenge to stop keeping your feet on the ground.

Maybe it's just the time to stop ordering that grande 2% carmel macciato, doubleshot, heavy on the carmel or something random like that. Maybe today, you won't be late. Maybe today you'll make breakfast instead of leaving it up to the deep freeze at your local place where the caffiene resides. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something new about yourself.

Maybe today. Hell, why not today? Right?

Monday, September 11, 2006

The View From the Afternoon.

NOTE: At one point when I was mulling over what to say in this post, I initially had a lot to say...but I decided it against that same post I had originally thought.

So here's the revised version of my thoughts!

The past week I spent a good amount of time wandering about Akron. When you live so close to it but never actually take a time out to look at it, you would forget this place is still essentially a city. Full-fledged baby city, complete with homeless people and a good healthy amount of broken businesses and equally broken buildings. I took this time out because I wanted to see if there was something worth investing in this city. Is it worth my time and effort. On that front I haven't decided, but I did decide to explore it further. Specifically I am exploring our Ethnic Offerings.

Now anywhere in Akron you can find a cheap Chinese takeout place, that much is true, but what about the other Asian offerings. I was determined so to speak. In my exploration though I headed off slightly north, where I find the ONLY Korean restaurant south of Cleveland and North of makes me sad. You just can't find the good Kimchee I require for sustenance. Speaking of which I've been contemplating buying a giant jar for a while now to last me a bit. I saw it at walmart and nearly passed out. I remember seeing it and just standing there staring for a good ten minutes, scaring small children in the process. I mean I can't find it at a lot of Asian food stores here and then I go to Wall-mart of all places. Twisted Reality, man. If you care very little about food I have formated this differently so you can skip down to the rest of the entry.

Seoule Garden - As the only Korean Food Source within an hour of Campus, this one very small and slightly out of the way establishment is known to every Korean International Student on Campus (one of the ways I found this out) and resides in the Under tapped Ethnic Resources of Cuyahoga Falls. When you enter you hear what can only be known as the fluffiest music in the world and are visually attacked by the contrasting bright stickers serving to brgin the only real color to a very dull interior all the while advertising various dishes in Korean and English. Prices are as can be expected from a minority in ethnic food, but from what I've seen will get you a lot either way.

Initially I didn't have the most positive reaction to this place. I had visited it a first time ordering a lunch special (which was fine, but rather minimal) and was treated to sitting in a very empty room with a very lonely Korean man lacking true English skills. The second visit (which is usually where the cracks are seen more visibly when visiting a restaurant) was actually what made this a good place to visit. There were people there! *gasp*ed! I was shocked but not really, and you could tell the owners where in an infinitely better mood. This time around though I strayed away from easy for American fare and delved into the more traditional bits.


I was ordering for two but was still shocked at the amount of food. I had ordered relatively basic dishes, one of which came with sides (five kinds of kimchee!) for two people. The first dish---Bibim bahp or Mixed Rice Dish---consisted of a base of rice and a generous heaping amount of hot pepper paste (the Korean ketchup, yay for spiciness) and topped with a melody of bahnchans (prepared veggies and sometimes meat and tofu, in this one meat) all of this is topped with either a large fried egg or an egg that is scrambled, cooked paper thing and julienned. Personally I require the Fried Egg because it's the mixed yolk that really gives this dish it's signature texture.

I felt with this dish you could see that the cooks, two very straight-faced korean women ( I think mother and daughter) really put a lot of work to make use of what's available in the Ohio area. The banchans were well seasoned and each added a new depth of flavor. Most you would expect (Zucchini, Carrots, Soybean Sprouts, mushrooms, kimchee, and others I don't remember) but there was also a twiggy looking brown thing (which was surprisingly good) that I haven't seen in this dish before. Apparently this root only grows in Korea and is usually picked by wandering old ladies on their daily walks to use in everyday food, in America's case it is dried and shipped. This reconstituted root had some tooth and fibrous texture to it, and I felt it helped give an unsually earthy (yet still pleasant) undertone to the whole dish. As a whole when I ordered this it was like I was no longer the annoying American and the owner seemed to perk up. Flavor was magnificent, if I haven't mentioned that, especially the fried egg which was heavenly fried with added sesame.

The second dish was Tak Bulgogki (Chicken!) and came with sides which are typical when ordering in at restaurants. In this case I had asked for extra kimchee the owner promptly gave me a good amount of every kimchee offering he had available (radish, something else rooty, cucumber ---also called Oi, traditional, and I think...onion) as well as a fish-flavored tempeh (texurized soy protein). After much debate I decided I like the Radish Kimchee and it's sweet flavor. As for the dish, seasoned and barbecued chicken with extra peppers and spices in an almost barbecue sauce wasn't as sweet as I'm use to, but that may be due to a fact I've eaten dumbed down Korean when it came to Bulgogki. It was flavorful, yet not too much, still though it was worth the higher cost and very filling (enough for two easy) I could see myself eating this again.

The overall experience was a very positive one, with a more warm reaction and the chance to watch those crazy koreans interact in such an animated matter while they eat, I would do this again. It's amazing how it seems all Koreans need to feel at home is food and a good conversation, just watching them alone was worth the cultural experience. Just stay away from the lunch specials.

Total Price for Two (and my dinner as well) = $17.83

Seoul Garden Korean Restaurant

2559 State Rd
Cuyahoga Falls, OH 44223
(330) 929-9971

Oh dear god I think I just reviewed a restaurant...there is no hope for me. I had another review, but I think I'll save that for later and get back to life. I've been wandering about a bit really, religiously and I promise that isn't as bad as it sounds. It means, in short that I have been re-evaluated what I knew about God and the bible. I found I was annoyed at a recording simply because I disagreed with the fact that he put so much faith in the bible as word...yes I did just say that. I was shocked with myself. "What the hell was I thinking?" was the phrase of the day after that. No worries, it was a temporary lack in judgement and I'm trying to remedy this by reading more of the word. Again I am attempting to work my way through Luke, albeit slowly, but surely.

I'm still thinking about doing a DTS, but was wondering what it would be like to go to a truly different country. One where I would never have to cook, but the food would always be different. On top of that I have found one of the nicest Korean food stores in Ohio, which was both well-stocked and well maintained by a very nice man. A nice man who is introducing me to what can only be worded as a Korean Language School (which I am still hunting for in Akron, he gave me directions but I need to ask again) and I think it's something I want to do. I've wanted to learn another language for a while, and I know this may be it. Pray for me with this, please?

I think sometimes when you have so much to do and so much on your mind you forget to really tell about the dulldrum every day things. Such as...I like my job (starbucks) . Despite the fact I work for the man, I am very well taken care of at work. I hope that I start getting longer hours and more hours training with advanced training because I just don't want to sit around. Sometimes I seem a bit too determined but after having six jobs in two years when you sit down and work you don't stand for holdrum standards of life.

For those who don't know, I am in one class, and it's a doozy. Anatomical Life Drawing, where lots of flesh is not to be seen is seen in full view. I thought this class would be so hard but when you just sit down and draw it like anything else you start to really enjoy it. It's so much more than drawing still life, because you get to search for things in the model. I wonder, what's her story, where does her emotions lie, is she cold? I've done some surprisingly good drawings too, and almost wish I could do more...and that can't be a bad thing when it comes to art, now is it. Yes I am drawing FULL LIVE NUDES (wonder if those will get my some search engine hits) but they are just people in their rawest form. Nothing hidden, nothing sacred.

All in all, I'm in a better attitude than I've been in. I'm a little frazzled because Christmas isn't far away, and a year ago last christmas I was coming home as a failure. I will have been home a year and not gone very far or even where I thought I would go. I hope though, that maybe I can enjoy this coming year just a little bit more.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." - Deutoronomy 7:9

Edit: No Word of the day, it was going to be Existential, but everytime I tried to post it HTML errors would appear

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Throw Me a Rope

I owe a post. I also owe my apologies to the world of bloggers for treating the blogosphere as if they were my own personal audience. Truth be told a lot of what I write is just mental diahrehea. When you least expect is you just have to put it somewhere.

So I wasn't accepted into a school. It's been done before, it's all happened and I've been through that. I've dealt with rejection all of my life. So why the heck was it harder this time? Well, truth be told it wasn't rejection. It was oddly an acknowledgment of understanding. See the director has spoken with Randy before about me, and with Mark. The school did above and beyond an outstanding job of respecting my individual case. In the letter, which I won't post here, but if anyone wanted to see it just ask me ( It's just a letter like any other) They told me that It wasn't the right school for me. I could go the route of saying---"Well how the heck do you know what school is right for me, huh...punk!"---but really that wouldn't be realistic an it would have a simple answer. They don't know what school is right for me, they just know they aren't it. They understand what they as a school need to really make the school successful and build people up into missions, and they want to do that through missions---head first style, and to respect what they know and trust is all I can do.

I wanted to go to Montreal so much. What I want, unfortunately isn't always for the best. People don't know what they want, they rarely know what they think they need.

I was people watching today. Because...well I had nothing better to do, and well, I like people. Now the funny thing about people watching is you usually do your best when you least realize it. You notice things about people, and the way they interact. For example, I bought running shoes today---finally. I've been in the store before but I never seen this particular salesmen before, he was an oddball really. He comes up to me and right away I notice he has this accent...I just couldn't place it. He continues to talk, and chat. He knows a lot about shoes. In fact I'd go as far as to say he truly respects shoes as much as people. I had come in thinking I knew what I wanted and he got me something else. Usually this is just the sign of a good sell, but I felt like I could trust the guy. He was training today, and when you're watching people interact with new people it becomes a real show. Mate (his name...which I forgot but later added in here =D) had this amazing ability to adapt to people. He would speak with someone for a minute and then he would just sort of know how to tell them something. Everyone was different. All the while my curiosity with accents was kicking me to ask. Eventually I did. He was from Hungary! I shouldn't exclaim that but that was the last place I expected.

Foreign People make my day.

Later I had stopped by Borders to say hello to Melissa (old friend who is old but not really) and decided to sit an try and finish my tea passport for starbucks in one sitting. I was determined, but was distracted by the wandering children in the store. See there was something off about this one very vocal little girl, she was wondering around as if the store was her castle. I was waiting for her to declare my kingdom for a scone, when I realized she was from the united kingdom. She reminded me so much of Lola from "Charlie and Lola" that it was just uncanny.

Again I say, foreign people make my day. Especially when they are five and they have the confidence of a hardened war general.

EDIT: Just a note, I actually try to write her quite often...but I don't publish all of them. Some I just write as mental notes and such which would read something like.

"You must wake up early tommorrow and write letters, finish the draft for the artist pages, bake scones, be abducted by aliens, etc."

Others I save until I can go back and finish them and sort of tone them down a bit. Like Today's Blog (Posted September 5, 2006 ---hey what can I say it's been busy.

Word of the Moment!

Viscous vis·cous (vĭs'kəs)

  1. Having relatively high resistance to flow.
  2. Viscid; sticky.

[Middle English, from Old French, from Late Latin viscōsus. See viscose.]

viscously vis'cous·ly adv.
viscousness vis'cous·ness n.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Everybody is Someone

I was as of today officially not accepted into the Montreal Urban Cultures Discipleship Training School. I'll make another post later with what I think on this, but I'm not quite sure of that at the moment.

...I'm okay so far though. Just to make this a little less than not cheery, I give you the word of the moment.

corroborate \kuh-ROB-uh-rayt\, transitive verb:
To strengthen or make more certain with other evidence.

Whenever I can, I interview family and friends extensively both to corroborate the history given me by the defendant and to gain insight into his behavior and personality.
-- Barbara R. Kirwin, Ph.D., The Mad, the Bad, and the Innocent: The Criminal Mind on Trial

He said that when the jurors confronted discrepancies in any of the prosecution witnesses' descriptions, they used the testimony of other prosecution witnesses to corroborate the chronology.
-- "Most Jurors Thought Schwarz Aided Attack, Foreman Says", New York Times, August 2, 2002

As we have no public notoriety, no concurrent testimony, no records to support and corroborate what we deliver, it becomes us to keep within the limits not only of possibility, but of probability too.
-- Henry Fielding, The History of Tom Jones

Friday, July 28, 2006

Joggin' Gorgeous Summer

I held it in my hand. On the cover page there was a stain, and on others --- the marks of a long day's coffee. It consisted of only a few pages, but I held off for so long. It's light and simple, and just looking at it you wouldn't know it had the most intricate and intimate details of my life tucked neatly inside of it's tattered stocked pages. I was scared really, of trying again. Here I sit with my happy tripped out music (The Islands) and think that maybe, just maybe everything will work out in the end. Either that or I just had too much Raspberry Fudge Swirl. Either way, it's on it's way now and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

...and now for the grand word of the day!

surreptitious \suhr-uhp-TISH-uhs; suh-rep-\, adjective:
1. Done, made, or gotten by stealth.
2. Acting with or marked by stealth.

The monitoring is not surreptitious; on the contrary, the defendant and his or her attorney are required to be given notice of the government's listening activities.
-- John Ashcroft, "National Security; Prevention of Acts of Violence and Terrorism", Federal Register 66, no. 211, October 26, 2001

While men's appetites are driven by availability, women's are often driven by cravings. A dab of chocolate here, a pinch of sugar there, and some surreptitious
-- Wendy Hubbert, "The skinny on male/female dieting", Redbook, October 1, 2001
midnight Dairy Queen runs lurk behind a woman's oh-so-virtuous bran breakfast, salad lunch, and grilled fish dinner.

Now she made a surreptitious glance toward the doorway into the hall.
-- Naeem Murr, The Boy

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Blueberry Boat.

...and today's word of the day is: Scuttlebutt

The nautical term Scuttlebutt originally (and still) means a water fountain or water cask on a ship. However, it is now more commonly used as slang for "information" or "gossip".

The cask of drinking water on ships was called a scuttlebutt and since Sailors exchanged gossip when they gathered at the scuttlebutt for a drink of water, scuttlebutt became U.S. Navy slang for gossip or rumors. A butt was a wooden cask which held water or other liquids; to scuttle is to drill a hole, as for tapping a cask.

How's that for the real "scuttlebutt" of the world, eh? Yeah...Off to the post to do important post-y type things!

Oh, and I have a job.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I miss you.

It's been really hard to get started this week. As some of you know, monday I had to say goodbye to a dear friend. My cat Max. We weren't exactly sure how old he was becuase we adopted him from the street, his estimated age is somewhere between thirteen to seventeen years of age (which is quite long for cats I suppose). This is the same cat who no matter how you treated him just wanted loved. I loved that about him, he just didn't care, but thrived when people gave him the time of day.

On his last day...Max had multiple tumors in his system. Three that we knew of, in his gums face and stomach. He had his eye removed earlier and it caused him to go blind in his other eye, we believe with one eye removed it just released cancer into his system. After he went blind, the first few nights he came home he just made this sad sound. It was like he was asking where everyone is, and it got more deperate and frantic, until someone would pick him up. We should have let him go at that moment, but we loved this cat too much. On his final day, you knew he was ready. He just lie there on the counter.

We buried him in between all of the rain on monday...and I truly miss him. I have a lot more to talk about, but I'll save that for another time alright? This blog is now again officially active, as I had to return my computer, with reasons to come soon.

Friday, June 30, 2006

The Festival was amazing...

Until I came home. =P Honestly.

I will have a big update soon, I've been at my sisters too so this is my first day officially back. Today, was a much longer day than it had to be for me.

Let's try again tommorrow shall we?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Stupid Monkeys.


I am a bit irritated, mind you that isn't anything new, but I would really like to have my computer back and working because I really wanna play around with the layout for this more.


I'm doing something next week, well it's not final, but it's something. I'll be volunteering at the local christian music festival...ALIVE. Riveting title eh, well their site ( ) has all the info, and three of my favorite christian bands are playing (David Crowder, The Afters, and Sanctus Real) and, well I dunno it's chance to be with people who won't hate me or look down on me because I'm christian. It's a chance to be in just a step above my normal everyday spectrum of unusual people. I've been feeling off I think for the reason that I have little interaction with churches at the moment or christians of any sort. Except for Choir Practice and Sunday, I rarely do anything christianish and I miss that

...and I made biscotti! They turned out great. =D That and I decided to just keep both of the blogs in this account for now.

Oddly enough "Dead Like Me" makes me smile these days. I think for a show that has so much heaped in profanity it actually tries to look and do something others dare not touch. Plus it does it with a good jab to your side to make you laugh at something that normally brings tears. I respect that about it.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A Death and a Closing.

In all honesty I know I have issues. What I will be doing soon though is closing this blog, and starting not one but two new ones. The first one will be a new personal blog, but with a commitment to being more positive. It will also be the focus of missions work, as I'm about to start in a slurry of support raising for a new school or whatever I will be doing with my life.

The second I was testing, and will start later is devoted to...FOOD. Someone wanted me to start doing full reviews of CD's again as well, so I may throw a few in there with a lot more in depth notes as opposed to the short blurbs I have every now and then.=D

Yes I am in fact starting a food blog, my addiction to cooking has grown since I've been home and I've been on a bent to learn everything I can. So, like many others before me I shall devote a blog to food and such.

...and a final sad note. As of May 22, 2006 Kaylee has passed away from stress and brain activity. Soon, she will have a replacement, and won't be the same. It will never be the same, but I hope her follow-up will at least have the heart that Kaylee had as she just tried too hard to do everything I ask.

For this I say, Good day and God Bless.

Now I must go reboot my life, I believe it locked up on me.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

See I can smile sometimes...


This Picture is actually from my new love. Her name is Kaylee. She came in from China Yesterday. She take's pretty good pictures, eh?

Man this makes me miss Photoshop though, I'm going to trade in my windows copy tommorrow.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Funny Thing about Memories.

In all honesty, memories are my downfall. They are the controller to my emotions. They determine how I react, how I think, and how I know when something is right. When I can turn them off though, rare as that may be, I can truly be at peace. Right now, I'm at peace. I have no job, I have just enough money to get by. I am wearing a three dollar shirt from savers (a mexico soccer shirt #89) and above all of it I feel great.

Funny, eh? I've missed people, honest to god, just missed people. Oh, the angst. Anyways. These past few days have been productive, yet good. On Sunday, I had one of the longest drives of my life by myself. I also tried to learn some French. I think I could hold a very short confusing conversation (by myself) now, although it would be impossible with regular french speakers (So fast!). The day after me and Adam Roadtripped it up to Mines-o-ta. Where we are now shacking it up with Laura and Her Peeps.

Then on Tuesday, a long day might I add...we ate more than any two men should actually have to eat. It started with breakfast. Simple as it may be, I ate at about 8:00, then ate some more toast when Laura and Adam got up at around 11:00 (which they are still not up as I type this might I add. Lazy Arse...) We started our interesting and adventurous day. First up, Canoeing! We explored her lake, then her little mini-river where she showed us her fort that she used to hide in when she was a kid with a rifle and shoot unspecting runners in the feet. Twisted, but I guess everyone has their own personal kicks. Then we rowed back, where we tempted fate by suggesting it would be interesting to dump the boat over (thank god we didn't). the zoo! Which was fully entertaining, especially considering it was a very lame zoo in which the most interesting item of the zoo was the one giraffe who had an infactuation with the concrete wall. He brought a new art to crazy licking. Then he ramped it up a notch as if to show it off more. Followed by the zoo (which Laura secretly despised because she worked at the dipping dot's booth for one day next to a dead bird) we had...meal #3. Now I knew we would have to eat when we went home, because I was up when Laura's mom was prepping Japanese style fried chicken, but it didn't stop us from going to buffalo wild wings (affectionately known as b-dubs) where I had the fast food equivalent of what we would have for dinner later (asian zing, a very kick-arse flavor might I add).

Post this adventure it was a journey back to the house, where chilling and guitar-playing was done. Followed by an invite to bible study with Jessa (and what we found out was meal # 4). Me and Adam---and Laura until she tried to run me over with a van---played a rambunctous game of basketball. Apparantly you aren't supposed to rocket the ball into the woods past the hoop with my amazing shots of gravity-defying klutziness. Go figure. I met Laura's younger brother (the invisible teenager) for about three seconds where he then dissappeared. Off to our next adventure with Laura off to work. The bible study. DUM DUM DUM! We were told there was just snacks. JUST SNACKS. Instead we had Italian-sausage stuffed baby portobello's with Hot Deigo's (an italian open faced burger) followed by fruit and all the (deliciously fresh) swedish fish we could muster. We also had worship, and despite the fact I can't really sing...I really enjoyed it. Good worship doesn't happen that often anymore for me. THEN. We went to visit Laura at her work, for Chai Tea Lattes and ice cream samples (an in between snack before the battle of meal # 5). Off we go, and there she is ready to heat it up for us, Laura's sweetheart of a mom, how could we deny. We tackled it like champs. I actually prayed over the food silently that my stomach wouldn't turn on me. It was really good too. Following it all after Laura returned---with our two favorite ice cream flavors in pints.

Churning of the stomach has a new meaning now. Yet it was all so good, even though I never in my life want to eat that much again.

Artist of the Day - Sam "Leslie" Phillips - I'm finally getting back to these things. Today's Artist or this blog's artist as I may update later, is Sam Phillips. Known for her work on Gilmore Girl's as well as various movies Sam or Leslie Phillips started her career as a christian pop singer. Now sadly, she did fall away from that, but by being burned by label complications. She did however change and fall into a very relaxed folk style. Her husky voice is a beautiful companion to her varied use of instruments (mostly acoustic) melodic driven lyrics, and sweet reflections on the world.

Suggest Albums - "A boot and a shoe" and "Fan Dance"

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Soon the canadian dollar will be worth more than the US, we have hit 1.10! Unfortunately I finally found a use for that student Mastercard I got ages ago.

Soon you will all meet my new love. =D

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Bad Day

A moment of silence.

the current USA to Canada exchange rate is one american dollar for every 1.12 with no signs of increase. When I was in toronto it was at 1.43. When I was in vancouver it was at 1.27. The second time it was at 1.19, it has not dropped that low in decades.

Rest in Peace, american dollar, it was a rough fight. You just gotta face it, you've lost this battle. We need a new strategy.

and that is...GET MORE MONEY! MUAHAHA!

Total needed for Montreal to date = $8953.04 USD estimated.

Monday, April 24, 2006

My Struggle.

Is it possible to be blacklisted by your friends. Is my honesty really that off-putting? I wish someone would just tell me and end my misery.

There's a gathering of YWAMers sometime in May, and no one is telling me a thing about it. The sadness. I guess I just won't get to go. I'm not big on party-crashing.

I will, try to make this area a little more positive, yes it has been down, but this is not only a public blog it's what I'm thinking, and that means it's not always put together with kindness and good judgement. It does however mean my mind is as random as you all thought.

Wish you all a happy birthday in may, then. =P

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Dear Coffee.

I miss you, I dearly truely do. You where my first true love and it seems as if every day before you was just fabricated to make me feel comforted in that I had life without you. Sadly I don't have that great life. I had you, and you were all I ever wanted. Sweet Tempting, yet warm and bold like a rustic wool blanket by the fire with a warm cup

All my good memories this past year involve you. You were everywhere in my life, you busy mistress you, with me, the koreans, even a kiwi occasionally. You kicked my first love of tea out a window. While horribly unkind, she was comforted by the acceptance of a brit or two down the road.

Now though, I just miss you. Someday when I can have you again, will you be mine?


- An Overworked Barista.

Purpose for my Life

Mood music. Makes the world go 'round.

Day Fourty - One (Cont.)

Okay. Feeling alive is good, and while everyone still thinks I'm crazy I like being alone at night running around like the crazyness I can be. It's my release, because some days a lot can happen that will wear you down. I'll get back to what I started before with the whole keep your mouth shut but right now I feel to disperse a theory. Today...was rough. All it took was just one little thing and then the world seemed to fall on me pushing something else down. Those Dreary Domino Days. Truth be told, I have a theory about domino days. Unlike the game I feel they start in the middle of the board and you can go either way, but like the dominos once it's started, you just can't stop it. Now the good thing about domino days is that you they are just that, one day, or many days, but nothing more. You can have the good, but then you have the bad. If I believed in Karma I would mumble something that would be the intellectual equivalent of a room of stoners --- not to diss Karma. I think it's a great example of taking a religious idea and extrem-ifying it.

Think about it. What I know about god, is that things happen for a reason. Now Karma is the idea that everything that happens gets it's just rewards. Materialism in it's raw form really. Buying things. Doing the extra work so you can slack later, now that's just bad business. A tit for tat attitude get no one anywhere and it all comes done to the world's biggest lie. It's all about me. In reality, if life were all about me I would be both bored and bothered. It would be the raw equal of a tv that only played reality tv (and not top chef or next food network star reality tv, the really gritty fluff that comes through and impregnates the airways with it's spawn...can anyone say The Apprentice...MARTHA STEWART EDITION!)

I'll leave a moment of silence for all of you to shudder. Now these days I've learned can still be about you. In that, it may be the only thing you have any control in changing, bringing me back to my first point. How many people have seen the effects of gossip. See, I've somewhat made a friend. Anthony (he's from Gana) and has a pretty good grip on the world---yet he talks a lot. So much in fact it gets in the way of his work a lot. We work at starbucks, which can be the best and worst place to stop and chat. Now I love this guy but he does like to pay attention to people more than work. The past few days all I've heard after he's left is Anthony this, Anthony that, real pure unadulterated hate that will just seep through your pores.

I hate that. I even know hate is a strong word but it doesn't matter this time. I hate that people thrive off of tearing down other people. I hate also that I've done it too. Not to Anthony, but to my boss, because he has serious issues. Issues that really do prevent him from being even an adequate boss (and that's being kind). Yet everyone wants to cry mutiny, but as soon as he comes around the world grows mute.

So. I want to just scream some days. Still, I'm not cool enough to start the revolution. What I can do is keep an eye out for my dude, Anthony from Gana (how can you not like a guy who listens to tribal music on his cellphone to relax?)

In other news.

I'm reading Luke. =D

Stitched Up.

Sometimes there are those days, those moments where whatever you think you should say you should just...not. I hate that moment.

Enter Day Fourty - One

This morning I ran. I woke up at the crack of dawn (quite literally) and I just ran. Tommorrow, even though I froze, I may do it again. Running is something that even though I'm not very good at it, it allows me to feel alive. Heart Racing, breath dying, that thump as your body tries to keep up with you when all you want to do is move. It's a rush, and a kick.

In fact I would quite glady go at it right now.

In fact.

Be Right Back.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Alas, Dreams are things we're made of.

Day Thirty - Five


Dreams are weird, because I hear about them all the time but I don't have them. Not the pysical ---HELP ME THE THREE-HEADED MONKEY IS EATING MY---OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THAT WAS SO GORRAM REAL! ---kinda dreams. I have the, It would be great to do this, kinda dreams. Now if I could I would fancify this mess with lots of italics, but evil mac of doom lacks the technology to allow me to do such. Darn Safari. I do have the latter. Which is healthy, I suppose. Granted, I wouldn't mind the former. this is just forming word diarhea on the screen.

I do have something relatively important to say though...I am so broken. Mentally and physcially broken. I still haven't sent the application in, because I'm not sure if that's supposed to be. Everything is just, tearing me out, inside, upside-down, and over. It isn't healthy...I know that much. I snap easily right now. For lack of a better word I guess you could say I was a bit too brittle. Like circles on the paper. Round and round, over and over, eventually breaking through, where all your left with is these holes. I feel like swiss-cheese dangit.

If only god would wanted a reuban, I'd be perfect. Grill me oh, might-y grill-smiting-person thing.

So...pray for me. Please? I like chedder better than swiss anyways.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Options create CHAOS.

I've lost count of the days for this entry. I will go back and redo it, it's probably the most obsessive compulsive thing I've stuck to these days.


I should be asleep. It's 11:20, and tommorrow is my physical test. That sounds just like it is, I get to go out to our wellness clinic and they get to test just how healthy I really am. It's part of committing to something and attempting to stay to it the best I can. This case is a really off one. I committed to moving. The real get up and go kind, I committed to get off my arse every day. Heck, I've gotten up at a respectable hour this past week and have been going to bed (for me) very early.

Here's another odd thing I've noticed. I want to know more about cooking...add to that, I want to learn more about cooking from an actual school! Yet, I still don't want to really run or own a restaurant. I just want to make things that good people will come to get, and I'll get that chance to chat and share. I want regulars. I want relationships built through good food and good word. I want to put a heart into what I'm making and show them...heck I can make some pretty gorram good scones. I blame a recent obsession with Food Network. Now for the real kicker...I was looking at schools in Vancouver. WAY out of my price range...for now.


I'm kind of back at one step at a time.

Wouldn't life be easier if there was just a big glaring sign hovering above your head that maybe you couldn't see but every else could. That way if you didn't know what you wanted, maybe somebody else did.

Then I would give them a Pumpkin Apricot Scone.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Day Thirteen. (Post Three...I really want to try to do this everyday)

Have you ever had the undeniable urge to slug someone. I mean really knock them down.

Now as barbaric as this in fact sounds, I resisted this animalistic instinct today. Instead I prayed for them REALLY hard. That'll teach 'em! Too add to this I would give you all the nitty gritty details but to be honest, they aren't pretty and they make neither party look all that posh.

In other news. I lost my wallet, again...and all it took was one little thing to really set me off. I have been so stressed these past few days. I've decided Satan is a monkey. A small, yet irritatingly high-pitched monkey that flings poo at you whenever you think he's gone all the way. Truth is I went to the doctor this past friday. The Good News is, God found it, after lots of praying and yelling and calling of every school building I went into the day before (we have a large campus with lots of numbers I've found) and someone picked it up, took it to financial aid after my mom and me declared it a good way to show something (what I've been yelling about) and they called me up. Now for the bad news... Funny thing about doctor's, they always sound omnimous even when it may be something innocent. I have... Laryngopharyngeal Reflux Disease. The Best way to describe it is a funtime ulcer---in your throat. So because of this I can't have ANY coffee, chocolate, caffiene, spicy foods, acidic juices, aka...flavor. Right now, though it looks terrible. On top of all of this they stuck a camera down my nose and showed it to me. This is really hard to hear, it explains why I can't really sing all that well at all anymore, but if I don't change the way I live drastically I may never sing again. But because of that I would have to give up things that meant a lot to me as silly as they sound. Coffee is a passion of mine, I really want to have my own coffee shop, I've even been working to perfect my recipes. Cooking is a passion of mine, I love cooking, and I love spice. Now I have to stop all of it, instantly. Adding to all of that apparantly I have funny shaped cartilage in my throat, then they said it's not cancer and nearly gave me an instant heart attack. He doesn't know *what* it is though, which is almost worse. Heck this whole thing is...arg. It's been developing over the past few years so that explains, a lot.

Looking back at it though, it kind of explains a lot of other things too.

Not many of you know this, but I auditioned for a musical theater scholarship at a high-ranked university in southern ohio. It started with a sixteen hour bus ride. It ended with the short letter. This was one of the last times I remember putting all my heart into it, I was up singing and rehearsing for hours driving people around me nuts. In the morning things went fine, but something wasn't right. Then months later...well, you get the idea. Could you imagine how horrible it would be to study music to have it declared a little later you may never get to sing?

It's been really rough for me recently. I'm still trying to find solid information that this'll go away, but right now all I can do is really pray. Pray with conviction, from my heart, with all the passion I can muster. Looking at it though, and reading Layne's post about God having nothing to do with the things he can control. I don't have cancer, but to me this is almost worse, so why should I ever for even one minute believe that God cant' do anything about it? That God has no control? That I'm screwed?

I shall find you monkey, and I'll show you how a real man flings poo.

Movie of the Day - (Sad Movie)
새드무비-I have a new favorite foreign film. This is to me the "Love Actually" of Korea! It has great stories, and strong characters that really show you well...a sad movie. It makes you care about these characters, first by showing us their strengths and their ultimate weaknesses. It's especially touching to me though because of the fact that it shows people change. I rememeber at one point I was just trying to will the movie into another direction but it just wouldn't be that easy. It was stubborn, but true. Will, I think you would really like this, even if it did prove your theory about Korean Women in film.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Swords Up.

Day Two -

Part One - Entering the Dragons Lair.

Today was interesting, I woke up a mess after what was a particularily long day yesterday and found I needed to go to the doctor. Now to most people you see this as a sign you are sick and therefore you will improve.

For me --- well let's just say that my doctor is about as helpful as sitting on a bed of nails. In all honesty I'm not even sure she tries anymore. So I went, finally she did something, something totally out of character...she recommended I see someone else! Finally! Well it's an ear, nose, and throat specialist so maybe someday soon my voice will be back up to par. It looks like the archaic practice of tonsil removing shall be revived.

Part Two - Out of the Running.

God frustrates me. There is no better way to put it than that, it seems like everytime I find something I think I could do he just slams the door on my foot. Of course though, god's door isn't a measly little plywood compound---it's steel and if something gets caught in it, it shuts regardless. Man, does my foot hurt. I went to follow-up on the two applications for starbucks again (already working at one location but a liscense store and being well experienced with a variety of obsession I must say.) I figured It wouldn't be all that hard, heck they were evening hiring! Today I found out my availability sucks. Considering I have class, but put down every spare hour, more hours than when I worked at every other job...more hours than what most of the people who work there have available---they want me to be more free with my hours.

Shizam. My poor poor foot.

Other than being out of the running for the job, one good thing happened. Valerie, in charge of financial aid was great and so nice to me, but then she did a little extra. Even though I am lazy and an arse, she went ahead and posted deferment notices to my sharks. Giving me at least a year where I won't have to worry about loans. *w00t*

So I end today's entry with daily recommendations:

Today's Movie - Crash - I would never recommend owning this, it's almost as hard to watch as Passion of the Christ for it's "NO DON'T!" yell at the screen factor, but if you get into it, there are parts that just touch your soul and they outweigh the rest of the movie by far. This movie was the only movie I have ever in my life walked out of, but something told me to give it another chance. It was worth the second viewing, please make it to the end. I watched this because of Jessi Oates or Jamie (Someone said it was their favorite movie at the begining of the school), because I couldn't figure out why either of you liked this movie so much. But I knew at the exact moment, it was all about little angels. I miss Vancouver.

Today's Artist - Mindy Smith - I actually discovered this artist hovering around itunes looking up the afters, she was in the band's recommendations so I hunted her album down. She was worth the work finding. Her etherial voice is well balanced by good strumming, and great lyrics. If you were to compare her to anyone I would say...Norah Jones meets Jennifer Knapp. I'm still waiting for both of their new albums, eventually, but in the meantime she is a balanced and talented artist to relax to.

P.S. - I miss Vancouver.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A Mental Note.

Day One - Mass Recovery.

If you were to simply write, just sit down and write whatever you felt you were supposed to write. Speak your heart, say your piece. Now I have to ask to that, would it be true? or Would it be mindless? Of course...The real question of the matter is would you know what you were trying to say.

Do you really have a point, is what I'm asking.


So...This goes out as a warning to anyone who reads this.

This is what I'm thinking, this is my point.